[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Fri, 2 Aug 2002 15:20:06 -0400

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

------=_NextPart_000_0068_01C23A38.15533770
Content-Type: text/plain;
	charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I
have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last
month".

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and
say ten Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has
been two months since my last confession. I have had sex
with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is "Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven. Go and say
five Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church the priest is preparing to
deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman
enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly
sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the
priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching
shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching
green dress and shoes sits with her legs spread slightly
apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Nookie
Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head,
replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her
shoes!"

- submitted by Ruth Comerato

--
A chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of
nowhere have become home to some shipwrecked people from
different countries. As luck would have it, three people are
stranded on each island, as follows:

 1. Two Italian men and one Italian woman
 2. Two French men and one French woman
 3. Two German men and one German woman
 4. Two Greek men and one Greek woman
 5. Two English men and one English woman
 6. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
 7. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
 8. Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
 9. Two Irish men and one Irish woman
10. Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted
islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have
occurred:

 1. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.
 2. The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a menage a trois.
 3. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
alternating visits with the German woman.
 4. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the
Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
 5. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce
them to the English woman.
 6. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian
woman and started swimming to the English Island.
 7. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.
 8. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor
store, restaurant and laundry, and have gotten the woman
pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
 9. The two Irish men divided the island into North and
South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex
is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a
couple of liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
10. The two American men are contemplating suicide, because
the American woman will not shut up and complains
relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism,
what the sun is doing to her skin and hair, how she can do
anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the
equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees
make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her
opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her
relationship with her mother is the cause of her problems,
and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call
911 and get them all rescued so she can get her nails done
and go shopping.

- submitted by Gary Savage

--
CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN A HALLMARK STORE

 1. So your daughter's a hooker,
    and it spoiled your day.
    Look at the bright side,
    it's really good pay.

 2. My tire was thumping.
    I thought it was flat.
    When I looked at the tire.
    I noticed your cat. Sorry!

 3. You had your bladder removed
    and you're on the mend.
    Here's a bouquet of flowers,
    and a box of Depends.

 4. Happy Vasectomy!
    Hope you feel zippy!
    Cause when I had mine
    I got real snippy.

 5. Heard your wife left you.
    How upset you must be.
    But don't fret about it,
    She moved in with me

 6. Looking back over the years
    that we've been together,
    I can't help but wonder:
    What the HELL was I thinking?

 7. Congratulations on your wedding day!
    Too bad no one likes your wife.

 8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
    I never believed in Hell until I met you.

 9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
    that you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've
given me. Like the need for therapy...

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would
you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably
need it again.

12. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise.

13. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you
heaps and think of you often.

14. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for
your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep.

15. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
    (available only in Mississippi and Arkansas)

- submitted by Peter Kent

--
Three men were waiting to catch a plane at a small airport.

One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma.
Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a
stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly
arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent
events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim.
The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a
magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over
his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old
windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly,
he speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few."

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my
people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do
you suppose that is?"

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and
from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause
we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

- submitted by Pete Lipke

--
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd
just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his
nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking
with a limp. "What happened to you? asks Sean, the
bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little squirt, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do
that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a
thing of beauty it was... but useless in a fight."

++
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough
neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other
about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a shot
of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the
second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my
back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I
catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up
an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them
down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar,
turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see
rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind
it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I
can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third
mouse.

The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him,
lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't
have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the
cat."

++
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from
a helicopter - ten men and one woman.

The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one
person should let go because if they didn't the rope would
break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave
a really touching speech saying how she would give up her
life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up
things for their husbands and children, giving in to men,
and that after all men were the superior sex and must be
saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Never under estimate the power of a woman.

- submitted by Melinda Sisk

--
samK.wmv submitted by Gary Savage

--

------=_NextPart_000_0068_01C23A38.15533770
Content-Type: text/html;
	charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
<HTML><HEAD>
<META http-equiv=3DContent-Type content=3D"text/html; =
charset=3Diso-8859-1">
<META content=3D"MSHTML 6.00.2716.2200" name=3DGENERATOR>
<STYLE></STYLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
<DIV>Father, it has=20
been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie =
Green=20
every week for the last month". The priest tells the sinner, =
"You are=20
forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Mary's." Soon, another man =
enters=20
the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last =
confession. I=20
have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two=20
months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Nookie =
Green?" "A new=20
woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says =
the=20
priest. "You are forgiven. Go and say five Hail Mary's." The =
next=20
morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when =

suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon =
her, as=20
she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of=20
the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny =
emerald=20
green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the=20
matching green dress and shoes sits with her legs spread=20
slightly apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, =
"Is that=20
Nookie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of =
his=20
head, replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off=20
her shoes!" - submitted by Ruth Comerato -- A chain =
of=20
beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere have become home =
to some=20
shipwrecked people from different countries. As luck would have it, =
three=20
people are stranded on each island, as follows: &nbsp;1. Two =
Italian=20
men and one Italian woman &nbsp;2. Two French men and one French=20
woman &nbsp;3. Two German men and one German woman &nbsp;4. Two =
Greek men=20
and one Greek woman &nbsp;5. Two English men and one English=20
woman &nbsp;6. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman &nbsp;7. =
Two=20
Japanese men and one Japanese woman &nbsp;8. Two Chinese men and one =
Chinese=20
woman &nbsp;9. Two Irish men and one Irish woman 10. Two American =
men and=20
one American woman One month later, on these absolutely stunning=20
deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things=20
have occurred: &nbsp;1. One Italian man killed the other =
Italian man=20
for the Italian woman. &nbsp;2. The two French men and the French =
woman=20
are living happily together in a menage a trois. &nbsp;3. The two =
German=20
men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the =
German=20
woman. &nbsp;4. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and=20
the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. &nbsp;5. The two =
English=20
men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English=20
woman. &nbsp;6. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the =
Bulgarian woman=20
and started swimming to the English Island. &nbsp;7. The two Japanese =
have=20
faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. &nbsp;8. The two =
Chinese men=20
have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant and laundry, and =
have gotten=20
the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their =
stores. &nbsp;9.=20
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up =
a=20
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it =
gets=20
somewhat foggy after a couple of liters of coconut whiskey. However,=20
they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun. 10. =
The two=20
American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman =
will not=20
shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of =

feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin and hair, how she can=20
do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal =
division=20
of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how =
her last=20
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, =
and how=20
her relationship with her mother is the cause of her problems, and =
why=20
didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them =
all=20
rescued so she can get her nails done and go shopping. - =
submitted by=20
Gary Savage -- CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN A HALLMARK=20
STORE &nbsp;1. So your daughter's a hooker, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; =
and it=20
spoiled your day. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Look at the bright=20
side, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; it's really good pay. &nbsp;2. My =
tire was=20
thumping. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I thought it was =
flat. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
When I looked at the tire. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I noticed your cat.=20
Sorry! &nbsp;3. You had your bladder =
removed &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; and=20
you're on the mend. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Here's a bouquet of=20
flowers, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; and a box of Depends. &nbsp;4. =
Happy=20
Vasectomy! &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Hope you feel =
zippy! &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Cause when I had mine &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I got real =
snippy. &nbsp;5.=20
Heard your wife left you. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; How upset you must=20
be. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But don't fret about it, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; =
She=20
moved in with me &nbsp;6. Looking back over the=20
years &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; that we've been =
together, &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I=20
can't help but wonder: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; What the HELL was I=20
thinking? &nbsp;7. Congratulations on your wedding=20
day! &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Too bad no one likes your =
wife. &nbsp;8. I=20
must admit, you brought Religion into my life. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I =
never=20
believed in Hell until I met you. &nbsp;9. As the days go by, I =
think of=20
how lucky I am &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; that you're not here to ruin it for =

me. 10. As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts =
you've given=20
me. Like the need for therapy... 11. Congratulations on your =
promotion.=20
Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? =
You'll=20
probably need it again. 12. When we were together, you always =
said=20
you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you =
kept=20
your promise. 13. You are such a good friend that if we were =
on a=20
sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss =
you heaps and=20
think of you often. 14. Your friends and I wanted to do something =
special=20
for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep. 15. Happy=20
Birthday, Uncle Dad!! &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; (available only in =
Mississippi and=20
Arkansas) - submitted by Peter Kent -- Three men were =
waiting=20
to catch a plane at a small airport. One is a Native American =
passing=20
through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. =
Worth=20
for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, =
newly arrived at=20
the Texas oil patch from the Middle East. To pass the time they =
strike up=20
a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their =
diverse=20
cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout =
Muslim. The=20
conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in =
his=20
chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big =
sweat-stained hat=20
forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the=20
old windsock flaps, but no plane comes. Finally, the Native =
American=20
clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, =
now we=20
are few." The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once=20
my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you =
suppose=20
that is?" The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth =

and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we =
ain't=20
played Cowboys and Muslims yet." - submitted by Pete=20
Lipke -- Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like=20
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, =
his nose is=20
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. =
"What=20
happened to you? asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and =
me had=20
a fight," says Paddy. "That little squirt, O'Conner," says Sean. =
"He=20
couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his=20
hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and=20
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, =
"you should=20
have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your =
hand?" "That=20
I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it =
was...=20
but useless in a fight." ++ Three mice are sitting at a bar in =
a=20
pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each=20
other about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a =
shot of=20
bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second =
mouse and=20
says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with =
my foot.=20
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it =
twenty times=20
to work up an appetite, and then make off with the =
cheese." The second=20
mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the =
other,=20
slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and =
replies, "Oh=20
yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it =
home,=20
grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so =
I can get=20
a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and =
the=20
second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse =
finishes=20
the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the =
first=20
two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw=20
the cat." ++ There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that =
came=20
down from a helicopter - ten men and one woman. The rope was =
starting=20
to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if =
they=20
didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one =
could=20
decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching =
speech=20
saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women =
were used=20
to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to =
men, and=20
that after all men were the superior sex and must =
be saved. When she=20
finished speaking, all the men clapped. Never under estimate the =
power of=20
a woman. - submitted by Melinda Sisk -- samK.wmv =
submitted by=20
Gary Savage -- </DIV></BODY></HTML>

------=_NextPart_000_0068_01C23A38.15533770--