[Rhodes22-list] joke

[Michael Meltzer]

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Financial Terms:

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor
to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no
sex.

MOMENTUM INVESTING -- The fine art of buying high and
selling low.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet
when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now
locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- Religious guy who talks to God

- submitted by Dave Massingham

--
(Mumf note: a couple of classics from my buddy, Jay)

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern
Michigan.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife
likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several
hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat
out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues
to read her book.

Along comes a fishing warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says," Good morning Ma'am. What are
you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that
obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she
can also think.

++
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2
miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy
asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered
that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way
to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be
late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling,
and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he
wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that
he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of
his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler
stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit
them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in
behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the
performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car,
opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him
doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door
and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail,
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

- submitted by Jay Pocius

--
(Mumf note: another classic -- this one from Sue)

A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to
very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he
would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a
Guaranteed Weight Loss Program. "Guaranteed like hell," he
thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and
subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running
shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles
later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he
thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does
business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same
thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost the 10 pounds as promised. He
calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands
the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in
his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a
sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can
have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but
when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by
far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same
routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he
weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as
promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order
the 7-day/50 Pound program. "Are you sure?" asks their
representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous
program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in
years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens
it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing
but pink Running Shoes and a sign around his neck that
reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."

++
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss
of intelligence. So take the following test presented here
and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA
candidate.

OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?






















The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now
and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you
said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows
drink?




















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not
attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously
overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need
to content yourself with reading something more appropriate
such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then
proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house
is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink
bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is
a greenhouse made from?




















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading
these questions?? Dang... If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is ; flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was
politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.
Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The
pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately
the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes
smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany
and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East
Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?




















Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said
ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try
to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not
be appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors"
then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree
every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move
in one hour?





















Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything
other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on
getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league.
Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed
to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from
London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get
on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine
people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get
on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In
Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In
Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then
arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus
driver?





















Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, you dummy. Read the
first line!!!

- submitted by Sue Greene


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<DIV>Financial Terms:<BR><BR>BULL MARKET -- A random market movement =
causing an=20
investor<BR>to mistake himself for a financial genius.<BR><BR>BEAR =
MARKET -- A 6=20
to 18-month period when the kids get no<BR>allowance, the wife gets no =
jewelry,=20
and the husband gets no<BR>sex.<BR><BR>MOMENTUM INVESTING -- The fine =
art of=20
buying high and<BR>selling low.<BR><BR>VALUE INVESTING -- The art of =
buying low=20
and selling lower.<BR><BR>P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors =
wetting their=20
pants<BR>as the market keeps crashing.<BR><BR>BROKER -- What my broker =
has made=20
me.<BR><BR>STANDARD &amp; POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.<BR><BR>STOCK =
ANALYST=20
-- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.<BR><BR>STOCK SPLIT -- When your =
ex-wife=20
and her lawyer split your<BR>assets equally between =
themselves.<BR><BR>FINANCIAL=20
PLANNER -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet<BR>when he runs to =
the 7-11=20
for toilet paper and cigarettes.<BR><BR>MARKET CORRECTION -- The day =
after you=20
buy stocks.<BR><BR>CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it=20
disappears<BR>down the toilet.<BR><BR>YAHOO -- What you yell after =
selling it to=20
some poor sucker<BR>for $240 per share.<BR><BR>INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- =
Past=20
year investor who's now<BR>locked up in a nuthouse.<BR><BR>PROFIT -- =
Religious=20
guy who talks to God<BR><BR>- submitted by Dave =
Massingham<BR><BR>--<BR>(Mumf=20
note: a couple of classics from my buddy, Jay)<BR><BR>A couple go on =
vacation to=20
a fishing resort in northern<BR>Michigan.<BR><BR>The husband likes to =
fish at=20
the crack of dawn. The wife<BR>likes to read. One morning the husband =
returns=20
after several<BR>hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although=20
not<BR>familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat<BR>out. =
She=20
motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues<BR>to read her=20
book.<BR><BR>Along comes a fishing warden in his boat. He pulls =
up<BR>alongside=20
the woman and says," Good morning Ma'am. What are<BR>you =
doing?"<BR><BR>"Reading=20
a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that<BR>obvious?")<BR><BR>"You're =
in a=20
restricted fishing area," he informs her.<BR><BR>"I'm sorry officer, but =
I'm not=20
fishing, I'm reading."<BR><BR>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll =
have to=20
take you<BR>in and write you up."<BR><BR>"If you do that, I'll have to =
charge=20
you with sexual<BR>assault," says the woman.<BR><BR>"But I haven't even =
touched=20
you," says the warden.<BR><BR>"That's true, but you have all the=20
equipment."<BR><BR>MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's =
likely=20
she<BR>can also think.<BR><BR>++<BR>An Alexander County Deputy pulled a =
car over=20
on I-57 about 2<BR>miles north of the Missouri state line. When the=20
Deputy<BR>asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver =
answered<BR>that he=20
was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way<BR>to Branson to do a =
show=20
that night and didn't want to be<BR>late.<BR><BR>The deputy told the =
driver he=20
was fascinated by juggling,<BR>and if the driver would do a little =
juggling for=20
him that he<BR>wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy =
that<BR>he=20
had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have<BR>anything to=20
juggle.<BR><BR>The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk=20
of<BR>his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The =
juggler<BR>stated=20
that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit<BR>them and handed =
them to=20
the juggler.<BR><BR>While the man was doing his juggling act, a car =
pulled=20
in<BR>behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched =
the<BR>performance=20
briefly, he then went over to the squad car,<BR>opened the rear door and =
got in.=20
The deputy observed him<BR>doing this and went over to his squad car, =
opened the=20
door<BR>and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.<BR><BR>The =
drunk=20
replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail,<BR>there's no way in =
hell I can=20
pass that test."<BR><BR>- submitted by Jay Pocius<BR><BR>--<BR>(Mumf =
note:=20
another classic -- this one from Sue)<BR><BR>A fellow was ordered by his =
doctor=20
to lose 75 lbs. due to<BR>very serious health risks. As he wondered how =
in the=20
heck he<BR>would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for=20
a<BR>Guaranteed Weight Loss Program. "Guaranteed like hell," =
he<BR>thought to=20
himself. But desperate, he calls them up and<BR>subscribes to the =
3-day/10 pound=20
weight loss program.<BR><BR>The next day there's a knock at his door, =
and when=20
he<BR>answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, =
19<BR>year old=20
babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running<BR>shoes and a sign =
round her=20
neck. She introduces herself as a<BR>representative of the weight loss =
company.=20
The sign reads,<BR>"If you can catch me, you can have =
me."<BR><BR>Without a=20
second thought he takes off after her. A few miles<BR>later, huffing and =

puffing, he finally catches her and has<BR>his way with her. After they =
are=20
through and she leaves, he<BR>thinks to himself, "I like the way this =
company=20
does<BR>business!"<BR><BR>The same girl shows up for the next two days =
and the=20
same<BR>thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and =
is<BR>delighted=20
to find he has lost the 10 pounds as promised. He<BR>calls the company =
and=20
orders their 5-day/20 pound program.<BR><BR>The next day there's a knock =
at the=20
door and there stands<BR>the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has =
ever=20
seen in<BR>his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and =
a<BR>sign=20
around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can<BR>have =
me."<BR><BR>He's=20
out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in<BR>excellent shape =
and it=20
takes him a while to catch her, but<BR>when he does, it is worth every =
cramp and=20
wheeze. She is by<BR>far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, =
the=20
same<BR>routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day =
he<BR>weighs=20
himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as<BR>promised.<BR><BR>He =
decides=20
to go for broke and calls the company to order<BR>the 7-day/50 Pound =
program.=20
"Are you sure?" asks their<BR>representative on the phone, "This is our =
most=20
rigorous<BR>program."<BR><BR>"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt =
this good=20
in<BR>years."<BR><BR>The next day there's a knock at the door and when =
he=20
opens<BR>it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing =
nothing<BR>but pink=20
Running Shoes and a sign around his neck that<BR>reads, "If I catch you, =
I can=20
have you."<BR><BR>++<BR>Below is a very private way to gauge your loss =
or=20
non-loss<BR>of intelligence. So take the following test presented =
here<BR>and=20
determine if you are losing it or are still a =
MENSA<BR>candidate.<BR><BR>OK,=20
relax, clear your mind and... begin.<BR><BR>1. What do you put in a=20
toaster?<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><=
BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>The=20
answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now<BR>and go do =
something=20
else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you<BR>said, "bread", go to question=20
2.<BR><BR>2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do=20
cows<BR>drink?<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR=
><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>Answer:=20
Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not<BR>attempt the next=20
question. Your brain is obviously<BR>overstressed and may even overheat. =
It may=20
be that you need<BR>to content yourself with reading something more=20
appropriate<BR>such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" =
then<BR>proceed=20
to question three.<BR><BR>3. If a red house is made from red bricks and =
a blue=20
house<BR>is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from =
pink<BR>bricks=20
and a black house is made from black bricks, what is<BR>a greenhouse =
made=20
from?<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>=
<BR><BR><BR><BR>Answer:=20
Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green<BR>bricks", what the =
heck=20
are you still doing here reading<BR>these questions?? Dang... If you =
said=20
"glass", then go on to<BR>question four.<BR><BR>4. Twenty years ago, a =
plane is=20
; flying at 20,000 feet over<BR>Germany. If you will recall, Germany at =
the time=20
was<BR>politically divided into West Germany and East =
Germany.<BR>Anyway, during=20
the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The<BR>pilot, realizing that the =
last=20
remaining engine is also<BR>failing, decides on a crash landing =
procedure.=20
Unfortunately<BR>the engine fails before he has time and the plane=20
crashes<BR>smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East =
Germany<BR>and=20
West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East<BR>Germany or =
West=20
Germany or in "no man's=20
land"?<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR=
><BR><BR><BR><BR>Answer:=20
You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said<BR>ANYTHING else, you =
are a=20
real dunce and you must NEVER try<BR>to rescue anyone from a plane =
crash. Your=20
efforts would not<BR>be appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the=20
survivors"<BR>then proceed to the next question.<BR><BR>5. If the hour =
hand on a=20
clock moves 1/60th of a degree<BR>every minute then how many degrees =
will the=20
hour hand move<BR>in one=20
hour?<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>=
<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>Answer:=20
One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything<BR>other than "one =
degree",=20
you are to be congratulated on<BR>getting this far, but you are =
obviously out of=20
your league.<BR>Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else=20
proceed<BR>to the final question.<BR><BR>6. Without using a calculator - =
You are=20
driving a bus from<BR>London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 =
people=20
get<BR>on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and =
nine<BR>people get=20
on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get<BR>on. In Cardiff, 11 =
people get=20
off and 16 people get on. In<BR>Swansea, three people get off and five =
people=20
get on. In<BR>Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You =
then<BR>arrive=20
at Milford Haven. What was the name of the=20
bus<BR>driver?<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR=
><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>Answer:=20
Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, you dummy. Read the<BR>first =
line!!!<BR><BR>-=20
submitted by Sue Greene<BR></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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