[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Wed, 14 Aug 2002 12:24:22 -0400

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

------=_NextPart_000_01FC_01C2438D.855F72F0
Content-Type: text/plain;
	charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

An obviously drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down
at the bar and orders a drink.   Looking around, he sees 3
men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest looking one in the face and says, "I went
by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway
butt naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.  His buddies
are confused, because he is a bad ass, and would fight at
the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and
says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the
best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the
biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one
more time and says, "I'll tell you something else boy, your
grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
shoulders and says,

"Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

- submitted by Susan Greene

--
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
too much pressure from my job, poor blood circulation or
anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real
reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked! Here's why:

The population of the United States is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 19 million to do the work. (as God knows
how hard they work!)

2.8 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
the Taliban. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state
and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the
work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just
two people to do the work.

You and me.  ... and there you are sitting on your ass, at
your computer, reading Mumf jokes.

- submitted by Gary Savage

--
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.

Washington D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at
the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at
naked women, we should replace all of our female flight
attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in
this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a
naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the
airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

++
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The
husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked
to read. One morning the husband returned after several
hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.

Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided
to take the boat out herself. She rowed out a short
distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along
came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and
said, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my
book," she replied... as she thought to herself, "isn't it
obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, Can't you see that?", she
said.  "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up." replied the sheriff.  "If you
do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," replied the
irate woman.

"But I haven't even touched you." groused the sheriff. "Yes,
that's true", she replied, "but you do have all the
equipment."

- submitted by John Redfield

--
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while
his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went thro
ugh so he prayed:

Dear Lord,
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through,
so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The
next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He
arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set
out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their
lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the
dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the
bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove
home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance
the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed
the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep & mop the kitchen
floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk
and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up
the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for
salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for
supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to
bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to
make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed
and said:

Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to
envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh
please, let us trade back.
Amen

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be
happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll
just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last
night.

- submitted by Lucy Nicoll

------=_NextPart_000_01FC_01C2438D.855F72F0
Content-Type: text/html;
	charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
<HTML><HEAD>
<META http-equiv=3DContent-Type content=3D"text/html; =
charset=3Diso-8859-1">
<META content=3D"MSHTML 6.00.2716.2200" name=3DGENERATOR>
<STYLE></STYLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
<DIV>An obviously drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at =
the bar=20
and orders a drink.&nbsp;&nbsp; Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting =
at a=20
corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, =
looks=20
the biggest, meanest looking one in the face and says, "I went by =
your=20
grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, =
she is a=20
fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a =
word.&nbsp;=20
His buddies are confused, because he is a bad ass, and would fight =
at the=20
drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it =
on with=20
your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The =
biker's=20
buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says =
nothing. The=20
drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you =
something=20
else boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker =
stands up,=20
takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Damn it, grandpa, =
you're=20
drunk....... Go home!" - submitted by Susan =
Greene -- For a=20
couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure =
from my=20
job, poor blood circulation or anything else I could think of. But =
now I=20
found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked! Here's=20
why: The population of the United States is 273 million. 140 =
million=20
are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are =
85=20
million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of =
this=20
there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 =
million=20
to do the work. (as God knows how hard they work!) 2.8 Million =
are in=20
the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban. Which leaves =
16.2=20
million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people =
who=20
work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to =
do=20
the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in=20
hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are =
1,211,998=20
people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the =
work. You and=20
me.&nbsp; ... and there you are sitting on your ass, at your =
computer,=20
reading Mumf jokes. - submitted by Gary =
Savage -- Federal=20
Aviation Agency 800 Independence Avenue S.W. Washington D.C.=20
20591 Dear Sirs; I have the solution for the prevention of =

hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on =
its=20
feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look =
at naked=20
women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with=20
strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear=20
of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this =
country=20
would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman. We would =
have no=20
more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record =
sales. Now=20
why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything=20
myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton ++ A couple went on =
vacation=20
to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack =
of dawn.=20
The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after=20
several hours of fishing and decided to take a short =
nap. Although she=20
wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out =
herself.=20
She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her =
book.=20
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her =
and said,=20
"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she =
replied...=20
as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?" "You're in a =
restricted=20
fishing area," he informed her. "But officer, I'm not fishing, Can't =
you see=20
that?", she said.&nbsp; "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll =
have=20
to take you in and write you up." replied the sheriff.&nbsp; "If =
you do=20
that, I'll have to charge you with rape," replied the irate=20
woman. "But I haven't even touched you." groused the sheriff.=20
"Yes, that's true", she replied, "but you do have all=20
the equipment." - submitted by John Redfield -- A =
man was=20
sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. =
He=20
wanted her to see what he went thro ugh so he prayed: Dear =
Lord, I=20
go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at =
home. I=20
want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to =
switch with=20
mine for a day. Amen God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the =
man's wish.=20
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, =
cooked=20
breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school =
clothes, fed=20
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home =
and=20
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at=20
the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home =
to put=20
away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book. He =
cleaned the=20
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 =
P.M. and he=20
hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep =
&amp; mop=20
the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into =

an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and =
milk and got=20
the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing =
board and=20
watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling =
potatoes=20
and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped =
fresh=20
beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran =
the dishwasher,=20
folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 =
P.M. he was=20
exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to =
bed where=20
he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without=20
complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the =

bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so =
wrong=20
to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, =
oh please, let=20
us trade back. Amen The Lord, in his infinite wisdom,=20
replied: My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will=20
be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just =
have to=20
wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night. - =
submitted by=20
Lucy Nicoll </DIV></BODY></HTML>

------=_NextPart_000_01FC_01C2438D.855F72F0--