[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Fri, 16 Aug 2002 14:59:14 -0400

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

------=_NextPart_000_0866_01C24535.7CC89AA0
Content-Type: text/plain;
	charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

(Mumf note: this first one is still funny, "after all these
years"...)

 1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a
shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX

 2. An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and
figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I
told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back
and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - Kate
Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

 3. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into
the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although
he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera
and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had
copies made and included one with each of our Christmas
cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture,
laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover
that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in
the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld
(Mumf note: I'd like to deny all allegations that it was
Anna -- Jake is still less than 7-months old!)

 4. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of
golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been
using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached
by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at
him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."-
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

 5. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed
any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My
sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

 6. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When
she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of
her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER
SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH
YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

 7. A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not
paying attention. She went back to find out what was going
on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He
was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about
it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was
a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom."
she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I
could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from
school.

++
A GIRLS PRAYER

Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the pool, the garden and kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.

A BOYS PRAYER

Lord,
I pray for a girl with nice boobs.
Amen.

++
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she
said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked
it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it
and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash
and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with
no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

- submitted by Sue Greene

--
(More) Bumper Sticker Sightings

o GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
o To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
o Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
o If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
o The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
o So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
o Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
o If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
o Illiterate? Write For Help.
o Honk If Anything Falls Off.
o Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
o He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next
Exit.
o Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
o Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also
Timed For 70 MPH.
o Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
o If Walking Is So Good For You, Why Does My Mailman Look
Like Jabba the Hut?
o Ax Me About Ebonics.
o Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
o Boldly Going Nowhere.
o Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
o How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
is Lost?
o Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In
Touch.
o Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
o All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
o WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
o BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
o Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
o Your Proctologist called ... he found your head.

- submitted by Dave Houpert

--
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy
decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and
replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few
minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored
eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

*****
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance
from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some
distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when
the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned
this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for
sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then
reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the
cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out
the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually
a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

*****
As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said,
"All you can drink for a dime." So some kid would come up,
plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say, "Refill it."

I'd say, "That'll be another dime."

"How come? Your sign says -- All you can drink for a dime!"

"Well, you had a glass didn't you?"

"Yeah."

"That's all you can drink for a dime."

*****
(Mumf note: this next one is dedicated to yours truly!)

"You Know It's Time To Diet When ..."

. you are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
. you could sell shade.
. you dance and it makes the band skip.
. you go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
. you need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
. you put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
. you ran away and they had to use all four sides of the
milk carton for your picture.
. your blood type is Ragu.
. your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."

- submitted by John Redfield

--

------=_NextPart_000_0866_01C24535.7CC89AA0
Content-Type: text/html;
	charset="iso-8859-1"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
<HTML><HEAD>
<META http-equiv=3DContent-Type content=3D"text/html; =
charset=3Diso-8859-1">
<META content=3D"MSHTML 6.00.2716.2200" name=3DGENERATOR>
<STYLE></STYLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
<DIV>(Mumf note: this first one is still funny, "after all=20
these years"...) &nbsp;1. I walked into a hair salon with my =
husband=20
and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for=20
a shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin =
TX &nbsp;2. An=20
insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage =
insurance. He was=20
throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as =
best I=20
could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came=20
back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - =
Kate Newman, 46,=20
Winston-Salem, NC &nbsp;3. I was taking a shower when my 2 year =
old son=20
came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. =
Although he=20
made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a =
few shots.=20
They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with =
each of=20
our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the=20
picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer=20
look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to =
discover that in=20
addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror =
wearing=20
nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld (Mumf note: I'd like to deny =
all=20
allegations that it was Anna -- Jake is still less than 7-months=20
old!) &nbsp;4. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds=20
of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had =
been using. After=20
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good =
looking=20
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. =
Without=20
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with =
men's=20
balls."- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI &nbsp;5. My sister =
and I=20
were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. =
As we=20
were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if =
we=20
needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." =
My sister=20
started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red =
and=20
walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. - Faye =
Emerick,=20
34, Ellerslie, MD &nbsp;6. A lady picked up several items at a =
discount=20
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one =
of her=20
items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker =
got on the=20
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON =
LANE=20
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at =
the rear=20
of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" =
for "THUMBTACKS."=20
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO =
YOU WANT=20
THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A=20
HAMMER?" &nbsp;7. A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back =
of=20
the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and =
not paying=20
attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite=20
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised =
and he=20
was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's =
office.=20
He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. =
He did=20
it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the =
back of=20
the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at =
his desk=20
with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your =
Mom." she=20
screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it =
out=20
till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school. ++ A =
GIRLS=20
PRAYER Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a =
man, who's=20
not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's =
willy's=20
thick and long. One who thinks before he speaks, When promises =
to=20
call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully =
employed, And=20
when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and =
opens my=20
door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man =
who will=20
make love to my mind, Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's =
my=20
behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In =
the hall,=20
the pool, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love =
me no=20
end, And never attempt to shag my best friend. And as I kneel =
and pray=20
by my bed, I look at the dickhead you sent me =
instead. Amen. A BOYS=20
PRAYER Lord, I pray for a girl with nice=20
boobs. Amen. ++ A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I =
take the=20
dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she =
is in=20
heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your =
father. I=20
think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and =
says,=20
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but=20
she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, =
"Bring=20
the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and =
scrubbed=20
the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep =
Belle on=20
the leash and only go one time around the block." The little =
girl=20
left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. =
Surprised,=20
Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of =
gas=20
about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her =
home." -=20
submitted by Sue Greene -- (More) Bumper Sticker =
Sightings o=20
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. o To All You Virgins: Thanks For=20
Nothing. o Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings." o =
If You=20
Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. o The Earth Is Full - Go =
Home. o So=20
Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. o Cleverly Disguised As A =
Responsible=20
Adult. o If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? o Illiterate? =
Write For=20
Help. o Honk If Anything Falls Off. o Cover Me, I'm Changing =
Lanes. o=20
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit. o =
Fight=20
Crime: Shoot Back! o Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are =

Also Timed For 70 MPH. o Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No =
Shirt, No=20
Charge o If Walking Is So Good For You, Why Does My Mailman =
Look Like=20
Jabba the Hut? o Ax Me About Ebonics. o Body By Nautilus; Brain By =

Mattel. o Boldly Going Nowhere. o Caution - Driver Legally =
Blonde. o=20
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is =
Lost? o Money=20
Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch. o Saw It =
... Wanted=20
It ... Had A Fit ... Got It! o All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make =
Better=20
Pets. o WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. o BEER: It's =
not just=20
for breakfast anymore. o Beauty is in the eye of the beer =
holder. o Your=20
Proctologist called ... he found your head. - submitted by Dave=20
Houpert -- After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm =

boy<BR>decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop =
and<BR>replaced=20
every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few<BR>minutes later the =
rooster=20
walked in saw all the colored<BR>eggs, then stormed outside and killed =
the=20
peacock.<BR><BR>*****<BR>A boy and his date were parked on a back road =
some=20
distance<BR>from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads=20
some<BR>distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy =
when<BR>the girl=20
stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned<BR>this earlier, but =
I'm=20
actually a hooker and I charge $20 for<BR>sex," she said.<BR><BR>The boy =
just=20
looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then<BR>reluctantly paid her, =
and=20
they did their thing. After the<BR>cigarette, the boy just sat in the =
driver's=20
seat looking out<BR>the window.<BR><BR>"Why aren't we going anywhere?" =
asked the=20
girl.<BR><BR>"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm =
actually<BR>a=20
taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."<BR><BR>*****<BR>As a kid =
I used=20
to have a lemonade stand. The sign said,<BR>"All you can drink for a =
dime." So=20
some kid would come up,<BR>plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say, =
"Refill=20
it."<BR><BR>I'd say, "That'll be another dime."<BR><BR>"How come? Your =
sign says=20
-- All you can drink for a dime!"<BR><BR>"Well, you had a glass didn't=20
you?"<BR><BR>"Yeah."<BR><BR>"That's all you can drink for a=20
dime."<BR><BR>*****<BR>(Mumf note: this next one is dedicated to yours=20
truly!)<BR><BR>"You Know It's Time To Diet When ..."<BR><BR>. you are =
diagnosed=20
with the flesh eating virus, and the<BR>doctor gives you 22 more years =
to=20
live.<BR>. you could sell shade.<BR>. you dance and it makes the band =
skip.<BR>.=20
you go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.<BR>. you need an=20
appointment to attend an 'open house'.<BR>. you put mayonnaise on an=20
aspirin.<BR>. you ran away and they had to use all four sides of =
the<BR>milk=20
carton for your picture.<BR>. your blood type is Ragu.<BR>. your =
driver's=20
license says, "Picture continued on other<BR>side."<BR><BR>- submitted =
by John=20
Redfield<BR><BR>--<BR></DIV></BODY></HTML>

------=_NextPart_000_0866_01C24535.7CC89AA0--