[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Michael Meltzer rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
Tue, 20 Aug 2002 00:52:25 -0400


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(Mumf note: this continuance of the BOFH series is by
special request -- enjoy, Cal, but don't take it too
literally!)

The Bastard Operator from Hell #5

I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users
email. I must admit that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring,
not one good message in all of them. I was expecting at
LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but
nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about
some relative's surgery and how the weather is over the
other side of the world - that sort of crap.

To relieve the boredom, I remove a e-mail party invite from
a user's mail and post it under the senders username to to
alt.singles.with.severe.social. dysfunctions on news, and
make a note in my diary to be there with my camcorder.
Should be a blast!

Next in line is the online medical records database, in
which the company doctors store the current medical
histories of the staff. I grep it quickly for "herpes" and
"syphillus" and send the results to the local scum
newspaper. I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of
the doctor's online electronic diarys for yesterday saying
"$500, Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it should
take.. That'll be the last time he doesn't shift
appointments to make room for me..

I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it
look like we really use them, then start looking thru archie
listings for a hidden x-gif site. I find one then start a
batch job running under some user's account to get them all
back, charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk for
the job by removing any files not related to the task at
hand. Like all those "Doctorate Final Report" papers that
have got quite large in the last couple of weeks.

I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have
happened. I do a grep on all mail files for the words
"pregnant" and "family way", and post them anonymously to
the local general interest newsgroup.

Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The
next second, the phone rings.

"Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill
roadrunner again!

"Has the comput.."

I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can
I rip the computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the
TV in. Damn! Wylie missed again!

Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the
disks spin down, but that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal
are hardwired to the UPS in any case; and I'm at the Beer
Factory level in Dark Castle too!

The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS
switchboard and it stops. Now to look like I'm working. I
break out the puck and the hockey stick and play a little
one-on-wall. From the observation window it'll look like I'm
being blindingly efficient, as per usual.

10 Minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's
down, but what the hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the
final screen, and there's more cartoons!

The phone rings, it's a luser. (What a surprise)

"Computer Room" I say, being efficient

"Hello, When will the compu..."

I hang up.

I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the
wizard who throws spells at you and I'm in!

The phone rings again. I put it on hands free

"Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game.

"I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker

"You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just
long enough for me to get zapped by the wizard.

"What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles

He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even
do it!

Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null
device, set his path to "." and redefine the command "news"
to execute a script in his old login directory to send a
nasty message to the equal opportunities officer, then
delete itself.

Now that's trying!

++
The Bastard Operator from Hell #6

It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even.
The phone rings. Shit!

I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES" stares
out at me. I'd better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm
ready to answer the phone.

"Hello?" I say.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL
MORNING?!"

I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It
always puts me in a bad mood. You know what I mean.

"Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this
morning, it always disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as
a sugar pie.

"Huh? But I could get through to my friends?!"

"Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very
unpredictable in it's effects. Why last week, we had some
files just dissappear from a guys account while he was
working on it!"

"Really?"

"Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?"

"Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!"

"Ok, what's your username..."

He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a
barrel. Twice. With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range.
In the head.

(Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit?.. I
think not)

"How many files are in your account?" I ask

"Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10
or so with the data for it, and another 20 or so in a book
that I'm writing"

"Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've still
got 2 files left... .cshrc and .login"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"

He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my
stomach.

"What can I do?" he sniffs

"Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?"

"Some, but it's weeks old!"

I fire up the bulk eraser.

"Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data onto
your account pronto so you can get some work done?"

"That'd be great, but it's all at home" he wimpers. "I spose
I'll just load it all in myself tonight"

"Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for
disks and machines. Protect your disks from solar activity
to prevent them losing their data"

"How do I do that? Wrap them in tin-foil?"

"NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES
IN A MICROWAVE DON'T YOU?!"

"Yes.."

"Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects
disks from solar activity.."

"What's that?"

"MAGNETS! Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of
magnets - Solar Flares hate that"

"Wow! Thanks"

"No worries at all..."

--


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<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" =
size=3D3>(Mumf note:=20
this continuance of the BOFH series is by<BR>special request -- enjoy, =
Cal, but=20
don't take it too<BR>literally!)<BR><BR>The Bastard Operator from Hell=20
#5<BR><BR>I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading =
users<BR>email. I=20
must admit that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring,<BR>not one good =
message in=20
all of them. I was expecting at<BR>LEAST some veiled reference to a =
grope in a=20
storeroom, but<BR>nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel=20
about<BR>some relative's surgery and how the weather is over =
the<BR>other side=20
of the world - that sort of crap.<BR><BR>To relieve the boredom, I =
remove a=20
e-mail party invite from<BR>a user's mail and post it under the senders =
username=20
to to<BR>alt.singles.with.severe.social. dysfunctions on news, =
and<BR>make a=20
note in my diary to be there with my camcorder.<BR>Should be a=20
blast!<BR><BR>Next in line is the online medical records database, =
in<BR>which=20
the company doctors store the current medical<BR>histories of the staff. =
I grep=20
it quickly for "herpes" and<BR>"syphillus" and send the results to the =
local=20
scum<BR>newspaper. I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of<BR>the =

doctor's online electronic diarys for yesterday saying<BR>"$500, Med =
Recs To=20
Paper" I think that's all it should<BR>take.. That'll be the last time =
he=20
doesn't shift<BR>appointments to make room for me..<BR><BR>I move some =
tapes=20
from the racks to the trolley to make it<BR>look like we really use =
them, then=20
start looking thru archie<BR>listings for a hidden x-gif site. I find =
one then=20
start a<BR>batch job running under some user's account to get them =
all<BR>back,=20
charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk for<BR>the job by =
removing any=20
files not related to the task at<BR>hand. Like all those "Doctorate =
Final=20
Report" papers that<BR>have got quite large in the last couple of=20
weeks.<BR><BR>I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to=20
have<BR>happened. I do a grep on all mail files for the =
words<BR>"pregnant" and=20
"family way", and post them anonymously to<BR>the local general interest =

newsgroup.<BR><BR>Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out!=20
The<BR>next second, the phone rings.<BR><BR>"Hello?" I say, annoyed - =
the coyote=20
was just about to kill<BR>roadrunner again!<BR><BR>"Has the =
comput.."<BR><BR>I=20
hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can<BR>I rip the =
computer=20
power cable out of the UPS and plug the<BR>TV in. Damn! Wylie missed=20
again!<BR><BR>Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as =
the<BR>disks=20
spin down, but that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal<BR>are hardwired =
to the=20
UPS in any case; and I'm at the Beer<BR>Factory level in Dark Castle=20
too!<BR><BR>The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the=20
UPS<BR>switchboard and it stops. Now to look like I'm working. =
I<BR>break out=20
the puck and the hockey stick and play a little<BR>one-on-wall. From the =

observation window it'll look like I'm<BR>being blindingly efficient, as =
per=20
usual.<BR><BR>10 Minutes later, the power is back and we're two =
HDA's<BR>down,=20
but what the hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the<BR>final screen, =
and=20
there's more cartoons!<BR><BR>The phone rings, it's a luser. (What a=20
surprise)<BR><BR>"Computer Room" I say, being efficient<BR><BR>"Hello, =
When will=20
the compu..."<BR><BR>I hang up.<BR><BR>I'm doing well in the screen, all =
I need=20
do is get past the<BR>wizard who throws spells at you and I'm =
in!<BR><BR>The=20
phone rings again. I put it on hands free<BR><BR>"Computer Room" I =
shout, still=20
deep in the game.<BR><BR>"I've lost my files" a user whines over the=20
loudspeaker<BR><BR>"You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses=20
just<BR>long enough for me to get zapped by the wizard.<BR><BR>"What was =
your=20
username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles<BR><BR>He tells me, I look, =
and he's=20
right. Shit, and I didn't even<BR>do it!<BR><BR>Not to be outdone, I =
change his=20
login directory to the null<BR>device, set his path to "." and redefine =
the=20
command "news"<BR>to execute a script in his old login directory to send =

a<BR>nasty message to the equal opportunities officer, then<BR>delete=20
itself.<BR><BR>Now that's trying!<BR><BR>++<BR>The Bastard Operator from =
Hell=20
#6<BR><BR>It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch =
even.<BR>The phone=20
rings. Shit!<BR><BR>I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES"=20
stares<BR>out at me. I'd better read up on that. Two minutes later =
I'm<BR>ready=20
to answer the phone.<BR><BR>"Hello?" I say.<BR><BR>"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, =
I'VE=20
BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL<BR>MORNING?!"<BR><BR>I hate it when they =
shout at me=20
early in the morning. It<BR>always puts me in a bad mood. You know what =
I=20
mean.<BR><BR>"Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity =
this<BR>morning,=20
it always disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as<BR>a sugar =
pie.<BR><BR>"Huh?=20
But I could get through to my friends?!"<BR><BR>"Yes, that's entirely =
possible,=20
solar activity is very<BR>unpredictable in it's effects. Why last week, =
we had=20
some<BR>files just dissappear from a guys account while he =
was<BR>working on=20
it!"<BR><BR>"Really?"<BR><BR>"Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check =
your=20
account?"<BR><BR>"Yes please, I've got some important stuff in=20
there!"<BR><BR>"Ok, what's your username..."<BR><BR>He tells me. =
Honestly, it's=20
like shooting a fish in a<BR>barrel. Twice. With an Elephant Gun. At =
point blank=20
range.<BR>In the head.<BR><BR>(Do I really need to tell you the clicky =
clicky=20
bit?.. I<BR>think not)<BR><BR>"How many files are in your account?" I=20
ask<BR><BR>"Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, =
10<BR>or so=20
with the data for it, and another 20 or so in a book<BR>that I'm=20
writing"<BR><BR>"Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've=20
still<BR>got 2 files left... .cshrc and=20
.login"<BR><BR>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"<BR><BR>He =
sobs into=20
the receiver a bit - it really turns my<BR>stomach.<BR><BR>"What can I =
do?" he=20
sniffs<BR><BR>"Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on=20
floppy?"<BR><BR>"Some, but it's weeks old!"<BR><BR>I fire up the bulk=20
eraser.<BR><BR>"Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data=20
onto<BR>your account pronto so you can get some work =
done?"<BR><BR>"That'd be=20
great, but it's all at home" he wimpers. "I spose<BR>I'll just load it =
all in=20
myself tonight"<BR><BR>"Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are =
bad=20
for<BR>disks and machines. Protect your disks from solar activity<BR>to =
prevent=20
them losing their data"<BR><BR>"How do I do that? Wrap them in=20
tin-foil?"<BR><BR>"NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN =
FOIL=20
DOES<BR>IN A MICROWAVE DON'T YOU?!"<BR><BR>"Yes.."<BR><BR>"Then don't =
use it.=20
There's only one thing that protects<BR>disks from solar=20
activity.."<BR><BR>"What's that?"<BR><BR>"MAGNETS! Wrap your disks up in =
a=20
pillow case with lots of<BR>magnets - Solar Flares hate =
that"<BR><BR>"Wow!=20
Thanks"<BR><BR>"No worries at=20
all..."<BR><BR>--</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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