[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Tue, 20 Aug 2002 12:26:03 -0400

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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so
she just grabs one and goes over to the counter a Wal-Mart
"associate" is standing there with dark shades on. She says,
"Excuse me sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it
on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know
about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with
Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line... It's a good all
around combination and it's on sale this week for only
$20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter; I'll take it."

The woman opens her purse and sees her credit card holder
drop on the floor. As she bends down to pick it up she
accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed,
but then concludes there is no way he could tell it was she
that farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the
only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50
please."

The woman is totally confused by this and says, "Didn't you
tell me it was on special for $20.00? How did you get
$34.50?"

He replies, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00; but the
duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."

++
A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and
suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the
hospital where his skin had turned bright red, was painful
and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs
caused agony.

The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of
water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra
do him in his condition?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."

- submitted by John Redfield

--
 Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
 Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

 Man discovered colors, invented painting.
 Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

 Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
 Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

 Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
 Woman discovered food, invented diet.

 Man discovered friendship, invented love.
 Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

 Man discovered woman, invented sex.
 Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

 Man discovered trade, invented money.
 Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

- submitted by Chris Helin

--
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the
"Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Veracuz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after New York. The
people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were
eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss.
So much so that they declared a National Day of mourning
which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as
Sinko de Mayo.

- submitted by Sandy Fraser (Mumf note: Hey! blame her --
don't blame the messenger!!!)

--
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the
workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If
I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver."--by Jack
Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day. --Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,
they're sober.--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools.--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut.--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the
time.--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of
alcohol.--Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency
to thank her.--W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my
lunch?--Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
reading.--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get
wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.--
Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal
lobotomy.--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?--Stephen
Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk
and go to heaven!-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team,
or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a
beer.--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy.--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.--Deep Thoughts, Jack
Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza.--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it
from urine.--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the
world.--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to
make water, a vital ingredient in beer.--Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me -
so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with
beer.--Homer Simpson

You know you're drunk when you fall off the
floor.--Anonymous

And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was
good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said,
"Whoa - too much light."--Anonymous

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding
on.--Dean Martin

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.--Anonymous

To some it s a six-pack, to me it's my Support
Group--Anonymous

Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over
white wine.--Anonymous

If you realize that you should not be driving, and pull over
to sleep it off, throw your keys as far into the ditch as
you can. Replacing those keys will be a hell of alot cheaper
than a DWI.--Jared A.

- submitted by Jay Pocius

--

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<DIV>A woman goes=20
into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She =
doesn't=20
know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the =
counter a=20
Wal-Mart "associate" is standing there with dark shades on. She=20
says, "Excuse me sir ... can you tell me anything about this =
rod and=20
reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop =
it on=20
the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from =
the=20
sound it makes." She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the =
counter=20
anyway. He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod =
with Zebco 404=20
reel and 10-pound test line... It's a good all around combination and =
it's on=20
sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that =
you can=20
tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter; I'll =
take=20
it." The woman opens her purse and sees her credit card =
holder drop on=20
the floor. As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally passes =
gas. At=20
first she is really embarrassed, but then concludes there is no way =
he could=20
tell it was she that farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she =
was=20
the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, =
"That'll=20
be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and =
says,=20
"Didn't you tell me it was on special for $20.00? How did you=20
get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is =
$20.00; but=20
the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is =
$3.50." ++ A man=20
fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe =
sunburn=20
to his legs. He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned =
bright=20
red, was painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched =
his=20
legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous =

feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and =
Viagra. Rather=20
astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in his=20
condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his=20
legs." - submitted by John Redfield -- &nbsp;Man =
discovered=20
weapons, invented hunting. &nbsp;Woman discovered hunting, invented=20
furs. &nbsp;Man discovered colors, invented =
painting. &nbsp;Woman=20
discovered painting, invented make-up. &nbsp;Man discovered =
speech,=20
invented conversation. &nbsp;Woman discovered conversation, invented=20
gossip. &nbsp;Man discovered agriculture, invented =
food. &nbsp;Woman=20
discovered food, invented diet. &nbsp;Man discovered friendship, =
invented=20
love. &nbsp;Woman discovered love, invented =
marriage. &nbsp;Man=20
discovered woman, invented sex. &nbsp;Woman discovered sex, invented=20
headache. &nbsp;Man discovered trade, invented =
money. &nbsp;Woman=20
discovered money, man was all screwed up after that. - submitted =
by Chris=20
Helin -- Most people don't know that back in 1912=20
Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, =
the "Titanic"=20
was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in =
Veracuz,=20
Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship =
after New=20
York. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, =
were eagerly=20
awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that =
they=20
declared a National Day of mourning which they still observe today. =
It is=20
known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. - submitted by Sandy =
Fraser (Mumf=20
note: Hey! blame her -- don't blame the =
messenger!!!) -- Sometimes=20
when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I =
look into=20
the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their =
hopes=20
and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work=20
and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is =
better=20
that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish =
and=20
worry about my liver."--by Jack Handy I feel sorry for people =
who=20
don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as =
they're=20
going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra The problem with some =
people is=20
that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.--William Butler =
Yeats An=20
intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with =
his=20
fools.--Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do =
drunk.=20
That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.--Ernest =
Hemingway Time is=20
never wasted when you're wasted all the time.--Catherine=20
Zandonella Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack=20
of alcohol.--Anonymous A woman drove me to drink and I didn't =
even=20
have the decency to thank her.--W.C. Fields What contemptible=20
scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?--Tee Mans When I =
read about=20
the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--Henny Youngman Life =
is a=20
waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time =
and=20
have the time of your life.-- Michelle Mastrolacasa I'd rather =
have a=20
bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.--Tom Waits 24 =
hours in=20
a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?--Stephen Wright When =
we drink,=20
we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, =
we=20
commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's =
all get=20
drunk and go to heaven!-- Brian O'Rourke You can't be a real =
country=20
unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind =
of a=20
football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you =
need=20
a beer.--Frank Zappa Always remember that I have taken more =
out of=20
alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.--Winston =
Churchill Beer is=20
proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.--Benjamin=20
Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking =
beer,=20
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.--Deep Thoughts,=20
Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the =
history=20
of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine =

invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well<BR>with pizza.--Dave =

Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few=20
drinks behind.--Humphrey Bogart Why is American beer served =
cold? So=20
you can distinguish it from urine.--David Moulton Give me a =
woman who=20
loves beer and I will conquer the world.--Kaiser Wilhelm Not =
all=20
chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for =

example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in=20
beer.--Dave Barry All right, brain, I don't like you and you =
don't like=20
me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you=20
with beer.--Homer Simpson You know you're drunk when you fall =
off=20
the floor.--Anonymous And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And =
He saw=20
that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He=20
said, "Whoa - too much light."--Anonymous You're not drunk if =
you can=20
lie on the floor without holding on.--Dean Martin Remember "I" =
before=20
"E", except in Budweiser.--Anonymous To some it s a six-pack, to =
me it's=20
my Support Group--Anonymous Scotch - Because one doesn't solve =
the=20
world's problems over white wine.--Anonymous If you realize =
that you=20
should not be driving, and pull over to sleep it off, throw your keys =
as far=20
into the ditch as you can. Replacing those keys will be a hell of =
alot=20
cheaper than a DWI.--Jared A. - submitted by Jay=20
Pocius -- </DIV></BODY></HTML>

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