[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Wed, 21 Aug 2002 11:20:28 -0400

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 frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia
Whack. So, he says "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to
buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he
wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he
knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money
and that he will need to secure some collateral against the
loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult
with the manager and disappears into a back office. She
finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds
up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?

(are you ready?)

(are you sure?)

(you're gonna hate me!)

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick
knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
rolling stone."

- submitted by Jay Pocius

--
o Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?
o If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the
way down to the core of the earth?
o Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
o Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an
alcoholic'?
o If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a
bullshit?
o Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
o How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you
can't see them when you're in space?
o Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
o If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight
packages?
o Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
o Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
o Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
o Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink
whatever comes out'? (Mumf note: probably the same jackass
that, while churning some curds, looked at what he had and
said, "Hey, that looks good! I'll call it 'cottage
cheese'!")
o What do people in China call their good plates?
o Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
o If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
o Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet
is?

- submitted by Rob Brucato

--
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I
just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!!
Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the
salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we
need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this
morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's
on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden,
acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price... and I see that we
have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too... " The man hangs up, closes the phone's
flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks
to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone
belongs to?"

- submitted by Pete Lipke -- the Atlanta Connection!

--
THE BEER PRAYER
 Our lager,
 Which art in barrels,
 Hallowed be thy drink.
 Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
 At home as it is in the tavern.
 Give us this day our foamy head,
 And forgive us our spillages,
 As we forgive those who spill against us.
 And lead us not to incarceration,
 But deliver us from hangovers.
 For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
 Barmen

- submitted by Dave Houpert

--

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<DIV>&nbsp;frog goes=20
into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate =
that=20
the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says "Mrs. Whack, I'd =
like to get=20
a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks =
at the=20
frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says =

"$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his =
name=20
is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, =
he knows the=20
bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount =
of=20
money and that he will need to secure some collateral against =
the loan.=20
She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog =
says,=20
"Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, =
about half=20
an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, =
Patti=20
explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears =
into a=20
back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called=20
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to=20
borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She =
holds up the=20
tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this? (are you=20
ready?) (are you sure?) (you're gonna hate=20
me!) The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a=20
knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's =
a rolling=20
stone." - submitted by Jay Pocius -- o Why does your=20
gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed? o If a person =
owns a=20
piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the =
earth? o=20
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? o Why is it =
called=20
Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, =
'My=20
name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'? o If you mated a bulldog and =
a=20
shitsu, would it be called a bullshit? o Why are they called =
stairs inside=20
but steps outside? o How come you can see the stars from the Earth, =
but=20
you can't see them when you're in space? o Why is there a light in =
the=20
fridge and not in the freezer? o If croutons are stale bread, why do =
they=20
come in airtight packages? o Why does mineral water that 'has =
trickled=20
through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date? o Why do =
toasters=20
always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one =
would=20
eat? o Is French kissing in France just called kissing? o Who was =
the=20
first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these =
dangly=20
things here and drink whatever comes out'? (Mumf note: probably the =
same=20
jackass that, while churning some curds, looked at what he had =
and said,=20
"Hey, that looks good! I'll call it 'cottage cheese'!") o What do =
people=20
in China call their good plates? o Can you sentence a homeless man to =
house=20
arrest? o If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio =
out of a=20
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? o Why do people point to =
their=20
wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask =
where=20
the toilet is? - submitted by Rob Brucato -- "Honey, =
it's=20
me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall =
two=20
blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's =
absolutely=20
gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only=20
$1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that=20
much..." "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and =

saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with =
the salesman,=20
and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange =
the BMW=20
that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote =
you?" "Only=20
$60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the=20
options." "Great! But before we hang up, something=20
else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was =
reconciling=20
your bank account and... I stopped by the real estate agent =
this morning=20
and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! =
Remember? The=20
one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront=20
property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000 - =
a=20
magnificent price... and I see that we have that much in the bank to=20
cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. =

OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love=20
you!!!" "Bye... I do too... " The man hangs up, closes the=20
phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and =
asks to all=20
those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" - =

submitted by Pete Lipke -- the Atlanta Connection!<BR><BR>--<BR>THE BEER =

PRAYER<BR>&nbsp;Our lager,<BR>&nbsp;Which art in =
barrels,<BR>&nbsp;Hallowed be=20
thy drink.<BR>&nbsp;Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),<BR>&nbsp;At =
home as it=20
is in the tavern.<BR>&nbsp;Give us this day our foamy head,<BR>&nbsp;And =
forgive=20
us our spillages,<BR>&nbsp;As we forgive those who spill against=20
us.<BR>&nbsp;And lead us not to incarceration,<BR>&nbsp;But deliver us =
from=20
hangovers.<BR>&nbsp;For thine is the beer, The bitter, The=20
lager.<BR>&nbsp;Barmen<BR><BR>- submitted by Dave=20
Houpert<BR><BR>--</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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