[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Mon, 26 Aug 2002 11:47:55 -0400

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The Bastard Operator from Hell #7

So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for
lunch, AND, because I can't leave my desk unattended, I get
the janitor in and have him sit in my chair. I tell him that
all he has to do is make sure the receiver doesn't
accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm
off.

First stop, the bank. I change a $50 note into coins and
then ask to see a balance of my account. Then I yank the
power lead out of the teller's vdu. It dies. I say I'm in a
hurry and is the manager around?

He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and asks what the
problem is. I say that all I want is a balance of my
accounts. I cross my fingers. YES! He finds the vdu lead
out, plugs it in, and logs in, TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT.
Now's my chance - I slip up against the counter, slopping
200 coins across the counter. The manager ignores it, but
all the tellers dive for the money. I watch, unobserved, as
the manager types in his password at the breakneck speed of
one character a minute. At that rate I should've got $100
worth.... He finishes typing. "MONEY". What a toughy! Well,
that's my mortgage taken care of tonight...

A user that I recognise from "D(eletion)-Day '89"
approaches. I think he's going to talk to me!! Even the bank
manager is shaking his head furiously. But it's too late, he
stops.

"Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best computer
to buy to do my thesis on?"

?!

Right.

"You've heard of Commodore 64's?" I ask

"Yes?.."

"Avoid them like the plague! Not many people know this, but
computers aren't made to handle that much memory - it's over
64,000 things, more in some cases. It's a recipe for
disaster!"

"Oh!"

"Try something safe and proven. A ZX81 with dual cassette
drive if you can get it. The 1K ram model. Write that down.
Don't buy a disk drive - You know how they're always
failing, but music cassettes last forever!"

"Hey thanks!"

"No worries. What was your username again?"

He tells me. Just in time for D-Day 92. You'd think they'd
learn.

I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal.
I ask him if he wants to work here too, but he likes the
ability to bust in on people when they're in the toilet...

I put the phone back on the hook, and straight away it
rings. I hate it when it does that, it takes me AGES to get
my walkman phones in.

It's the hottest hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a
computer problem! I love it when that happens!

"What's your username?" I ask

She tells me (as if I didn't know)

Quick as I can I read all her e-mail (mostly boring stuff),
then grep everyone else's mail files for her username.
Nothing. Excellent!

"What's the problem?" I ask, all smiles and charm.

"I can't save my documents, it says something about space."

"Not a problem for long" I say, and delete everyone else on
the same disk as her. "You should be fine now.."

"Thank you so much" she gushes. I make a mental note to do
something to her account again tomorrow. "No worries."

The phone rings almost before I've got it on the hook.

"My files are all gone!" a voice whines out at me.

"When did this happen?" I ask.

"Just now..." he says, through the tears

"I see. Well, I wouldn't worry, there's three days till the
end of the semester, if you work day and night until then,
you should get at least a C-"

He sobs a couple more times then hangs up. What a wimp.

THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN!

"The screen on my PC is really dim" The woman at the other
end says "Should I wind the brightness knob up?"

"NO!" I scream "Don't touch that knob! Have you any idea of
the radiation that comes out of that thing when the knob
gets wound up?!!!!"

"Well I..." she says, all uncertain

"TAKE MY ADVICE!" I say "There's only ONE way to fix a dim
display, and that's by power surging the drivers"

The words "power surging" and "drivers" have got her. People
hear words like that and go into Dummy Mode and do ANYTHING
you say. I could tell her to run naked across campus with a
powercord rammed up her backside and she'd probably do it...
Hmmm...

"Have you got a spare power cord?"

"No.."

"Oh well, never mind, we'll have to do the power surge
idea... Ok, quick as you can, I want you to flick the power
switch of your PC on and off 30 times"

"Should I take my disks out?"

"NO! Do you want to lose all your data!?!"

"Oh! NO! Ok.."

I listen carefully.. ..

...clicky..clikcy...clikky.. .. .. ...clicky. ...cliccy.. .
. BOOM!

Amazing, it probably made it to 27 - the power supply
usually shits itself at 15 or so...

"MY COMPUTER BLEW UP!!!" she screams at me down the line

"Really? Must've been a dodgy power supply! Lucky we found
out now! Is your machine still under warranty?"

"NO!"

"Dear oh dear. Well, Best get it repaired then. Did you
backup your files?"

"Yes, to the system, Yesterday, but all this morning's work
is gone!"

"Oh dear. What was your username, I'll just check that your
backups worked ok?"

She tells me....

++
The Bastard Operator from Hell #8

I'm at my desk as usual, and a user calls.

"Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How can I help?" I answer

"I can't get into my account!" A user mumbles at me.

"What was your username please?" I say

They give me their username. No worries. I look in their
account.

"No worries, it was just a badly made login file. I've fixed
it, you should be able to login."

"Thanks!"

"No worries. Have a nice day!"

WHAT IS THIS? you're asking yourself. Has the Bastard
Operator from Hell turned over a new leaf? Sold out?! GONE
INSANE?!!! Nope. The Bastard Operator from Hell is being
LOGFILED. And if that's happen- ing, I'm being bugged as
well. So I'm being nice till I can find the bugs. It
shouldn't be long - bear with me.

Ah. One in the phone handpeice. Basic. But then the boss is
a sneaky sort, so there's probably a couple more. Ah! And
another in the base of the phone and one inside my keyboard.
Time for a mad coffee-spilling frenzy. This is a big job, so
I bring the whole jug over and wait for a witness. The
System Manager comes in.

"Where's that report of mine?" he asks in a surly manner -
he's obviously pissed that I haven't implicated myself yet.
Antagonist Identified. As the Principal of "BASTARD OPERATOR
SCHOOL" (me) will tell you, "There's no problem so large it
can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their
files, closing their account and reporting their REAL
earnings to the IRS"

I pull his printout from under the coffee jug where I put
it, and the coffee splashes all over the phone and keyboard,
which for some reason were stacked on top of each other.

"Woopsy!" I say, mock horror on my face. The System
Manager's face tells me I was right in my guess.

"Don't think you'll get away with this!" he snarls and
stomps off.

I click on the Ethernet monitor and watch the traffic coming
out of his PC.

Ah! A memo, authorising the termination of my contract,
going to the laser in the Director's office. I make a few
alterations to the file in the spool directory and let it go
to it's destination. I run my dinky little program that
deposits -512 to the PC and our mainframe shits itself.

Later, while booting in single user, I'll remove that nasty
logfile business.

Next, I wander into the comms room and plug my earphone into
the spare RS232 port in the Directors office. It's amazing
how simple it is to bug an office once it's got data lines
going to it!

Director: "Are you sure about this?"

SysMgr: "OF COURSE!"

Director: "You don't want to reconsider?"

SysMgr "NEVER!"

Director: "Very well, I'll fax it to staffing now.."

SysMgr "EXCELLENT!"

Two seconds later the System Manager strolls in smiling.
"Well, I'll really miss you Simon.." he says, full of
himself.

"Oh?" I say, all sweetness and charm "Where are you going?"

"No Simon" he says, with glee "YOU'RE going!"

"A PROMOTION!" I say "You've finally written that letter to
the head of staffing telling him he's a bum-sucking arse
bandit and that you quit?"

"No..."

"Are you sure? It's much better than the one about me being
fired.."

"Y.." His eyes widen slightly

It's like clubbing a seal to death with a foam cushion. He
runs to stop the fax. Only, having just resigned, >clicky
cklikcy< his card key no longer works...

Ametuers...

The Phone rings. It's the same guy as before

"I can get into my account now, but I've run out of disk"

"Hang on, I'll see what I can do"

>clicccky<...

rm -r *

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<DIV>The Bastard Operator from Hell #7 So I manage AT LONG LAST, =
to get a=20
couple of hours off for lunch, AND, because I can't leave my desk =
unattended,=20
I get the janitor in and have him sit in my chair. I tell him =
that all he=20
has to do is make sure the receiver doesn't accidentally get put back =
on the=20
hook. He agrees and I'm off. First stop, the bank. I change a =
$50 note=20
into coins and then ask to see a balance of my account. Then I yank=20
the power lead out of the teller's vdu. It dies. I say I'm in =
a hurry and=20
is the manager around? He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and =
asks=20
what the problem is. I say that all I want is a balance of =
my accounts. I=20
cross my fingers. YES! He finds the vdu lead out, plugs it in, and =
logs in,=20
TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT. Now's my chance - I slip up against the =
counter,=20
slopping 200 coins across the counter. The manager ignores it, =
but all the=20
tellers dive for the money. I watch, unobserved, as the manager types =
in his=20
password at the breakneck speed of one character a minute. At that =
rate I=20
should've got $100 worth.... He finishes typing. "MONEY". What a =
toughy!=20
Well, that's my mortgage taken care of tonight... A user that =
I=20
recognise from "D(eletion)-Day '89" approaches. I think he's going to =
talk to=20
me!! Even the bank manager is shaking his head furiously. But it's =
too late,=20
he stops. "Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best=20
computer to buy to do my thesis =
on?" ?! Right. "You've=20
heard of Commodore 64's?" I ask "Yes?.." "Avoid them like =
the=20
plague! Not many people know this, but computers aren't made to =
handle that=20
much memory - it's over 64,000 things, more in some cases. It's a =
recipe=20
for disaster!" "Oh!" "Try something safe and proven. A =
ZX81=20
with dual cassette drive if you can get it. The 1K ram model. Write =
that=20
down. Don't buy a disk drive - You know how they're =
always failing, but=20
music cassettes last forever!" "Hey thanks!" "No worries. =
What was=20
your username again?" He tells me. Just in time for D-Day 92. =
You'd think=20
they'd learn. I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at =
the=20
terminal. I ask him if he wants to work here too, but he likes =
the ability=20
to bust in on people when they're in the toilet... I put the =
phone back=20
on the hook, and straight away it rings. I hate it when it does that, =
it=20
takes me AGES to get my walkman phones in. It's the hottest=20
hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a computer problem! I love =
it when=20
that happens! "What's your username?" I ask She tells me =
(as if I=20
didn't know) Quick as I can I read all her e-mail (mostly boring=20
stuff), then grep everyone else's mail files for her =
username. Nothing.=20
Excellent! "What's the problem?" I ask, all smiles and =
charm. "I=20
can't save my documents, it says something about space." "Not a =
problem=20
for long" I say, and delete everyone else on the same disk as her. =
"You=20
should be fine now.." "Thank you so much" she gushes. I make a =
mental=20
note to do something to her account again tomorrow. "No =
worries." The=20
phone rings almost before I've got it on the hook. "My files are =
all=20
gone!" a voice whines out at me. "When did this happen?" I=20
ask. "Just now..." he says, through the tears "I see. =
Well, I=20
wouldn't worry, there's three days till the end of the semester, if =
you work=20
day and night until then, you should get at least a C-" He =
sobs a=20
couple more times then hangs up. What a wimp. THE PHONE RINGS=20
AGAIN! "The screen on my PC is really dim" The woman at the =
other end=20
says "Should I wind the brightness knob up?" "NO!" I scream =
"Don't touch=20
that knob! Have you any idea of the radiation that comes out of that =
thing=20
when the knob gets wound up?!!!!" "Well I..." she says, all=20
uncertain "TAKE MY ADVICE!" I say "There's only ONE way to fix a=20
dim display, and that's by power surging the drivers" The =
words "power=20
surging" and "drivers" have got her. People hear words like that and =
go into=20
Dummy Mode and do ANYTHING you say. I could tell her to run naked =
across=20
campus with a powercord rammed up her backside and she'd probably do=20
it... Hmmm... "Have you got a spare power=20
cord?" "No.." "Oh well, never mind, we'll have to do the =
power=20
surge idea... Ok, quick as you can, I want you to flick the =
power switch=20
of your PC on and off 30 times" "Should I take my disks =
out?" "NO!=20
Do you want to lose all your data!?!" "Oh! NO! Ok.." I =
listen=20
carefully.. .. ...clicky..clikcy...clikky.. .. .. ...clicky. =
...cliccy..=20
. . BOOM! Amazing, it probably made it to 27 - the power=20
supply usually shits itself at 15 or so... "MY COMPUTER BLEW =
UP!!!"=20
she screams at me down the line "Really? Must've been a dodgy =
power=20
supply! Lucky we found out now! Is your machine still under=20
warranty?" "NO!" "Dear oh dear. Well, Best get it repaired =
then.=20
Did you backup your files?" "Yes, to the system, Yesterday, =
but all=20
this morning's work is gone!" "Oh dear. What was your =
username, I'll=20
just check that your backups worked ok?" She tells=20
me.... ++ The Bastard Operator from Hell #8 I'm at my =
desk as=20
usual, and a user calls. "Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How =
can I=20
help?" I answer "I can't get into my account!" A user mumbles at=20
me. "What was your username please?" I say They give me =
their=20
username. No worries. I look in their account. "No worries, it =
was=20
just a badly made login file. I've fixed it, you should be able to=20
login." "Thanks!" "No worries. Have a nice =
day!" WHAT IS=20
THIS? you're asking yourself. Has the Bastard Operator from Hell =
turned over=20
a new leaf? Sold out?! GONE INSANE?!!! Nope. The Bastard Operator =
from Hell=20
is being LOGFILED. And if that's happen- ing, I'm being bugged =
as well. So=20
I'm being nice till I can find the bugs. It shouldn't be long - bear =
with=20
me. Ah. One in the phone handpeice. Basic. But then the boss =
is a=20
sneaky sort, so there's probably a couple more. Ah! And another in =
the base=20
of the phone and one inside my keyboard. Time for a mad =
coffee-spilling=20
frenzy. This is a big job, so I bring the whole jug over and wait for =
a=20
witness. The System Manager comes in. "Where's that report of =
mine?"=20
he asks in a surly manner - he's obviously pissed that I haven't =
implicated=20
myself yet. Antagonist Identified. As the Principal of "BASTARD=20
OPERATOR SCHOOL" (me) will tell you, "There's no problem so large =
it can't=20
be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing =
their=20
account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS" I pull =
his=20
printout from under the coffee jug where I put it, and the coffee =
splashes=20
all over the phone and keyboard, which for some reason were stacked =
on top of=20
each other. "Woopsy!" I say, mock horror on my face. The=20
System Manager's face tells me I was right in my guess. "Don't =
think=20
you'll get away with this!" he snarls and stomps off. I click =
on the=20
Ethernet monitor and watch the traffic coming out of his =
PC. Ah! A=20
memo, authorising the termination of my contract, going to the laser =
in the=20
Director's office. I make a few alterations to the file in the spool=20
directory and let it go to it's destination. I run my dinky little =
program=20
that deposits -512 to the PC and our mainframe shits =
itself. Later,=20
while booting in single user, I'll remove that nasty logfile=20
business. Next, I wander into the comms room and plug my earphone =

into the spare RS232 port in the Directors office. It's =
amazing how simple=20
it is to bug an office once it's got data lines going to =
it! Director:=20
"Are you sure about this?" SysMgr: "OF COURSE!" Director: =
"You=20
don't want to reconsider?" SysMgr "NEVER!" Director: "Very =
well,=20
I'll fax it to staffing now.." SysMgr "EXCELLENT!" Two =
seconds=20
later the System Manager strolls in smiling. "Well, I'll really miss =
you=20
Simon.." he says, full of himself. "Oh?" I say, all sweetness =
and=20
charm "Where are you going?" "No Simon" he says, with glee =
"YOU'RE=20
going!" "A PROMOTION!" I say "You've finally written that letter=20
to the head of staffing telling him he's a bum-sucking arse bandit =
and=20
that you quit?" "No..." "Are you sure? It's much better =
than the=20
one about me being fired.." "Y.." His eyes widen =
slightly It's=20
like clubbing a seal to death with a foam cushion. He runs to stop =
the fax.=20
Only, having just resigned, &gt;clicky cklikcy&lt; his card key no =
longer=20
works... Ametuers... The Phone rings. It's the same guy as =

before<BR><BR>"I can get into my account now, but I've run out of=20
disk"<BR><BR>"Hang on, I'll see what I can=20
do"<BR><BR>&gt;clicccky&lt;...<BR><BR>rm -r =
*<BR><BR>--<BR></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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