[Rhodes22-list] late jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

(Mumf note: a happy Thanksgiving to all of you that
celebrate it! and for the rest of you, GET BACK TO WORK!!!)

Thanksgiving day we get together
Me and Po and our crazy coven
We get high and make some muffins
We've got a huge bird in the oven

For some strange reason we drop some tabs
I have a feeling this won't be bad
We'll get trippy and rock this pad
A cosmic holiday will be had

Candy's cooking with a wiggle
When she stirs her big tits jiggle
Me and Po can't help but giggle
Everyone else just thinks we're silly

So we're all rocking pretty good
Getting ready to eat some food
Makin' a scene in the neighborhood
We're laughing like a bunch of fools

We decide some Christmas lights
On the bird would look nice
It's flashing away to our delight
A blinking turkey is quite a sight

We sit down and try to say grace
Way to high to keep a straight face
"Let's throw some food around this place,
here's some potatoes in your face!"

A good time was had by all
We finally ate and had a ball
We scraped the trimmings off the wall
I'll always remember that crazy fall

The moral of this story goes
Spend the holiday with your bros
If you want a holiday that doesn't blow
Drop some acid with some freakin' ho's

- from Jay Pocius

--
Twas the night before Thanksgiving
and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking
and moanin' and bitchin'.

I've been here for hours,
I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster,
just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got
thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings
...who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered,
I've got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over
a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door
and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter
as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven,
dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled
with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand,
I can't take anymore;
Then walks in my husband,
spilling rum on the floor.

He heaves and he wobbles,
his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles
"The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around
and with total regret,
Says "What's takin' so long?
Aren't you through in here yet??"

As quick as a flash
I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe;
I wanted his life!

He flees from the room
in terror and pain,
and screams "MY GOD WOMAN,
YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing,
and what is that smell?
Oh, shit, it's the pies!!
They're burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit
when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL
instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong??
Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living,
I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong,
I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted,
all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing,
If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling
my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid,
a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED

- from John Redfield

--