[Rhodes22-list] joke

Mon, 22 Jul 2002 11:50:22 -0400

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Here, try this one...

Quick as possible but do not carry on reading the following
questions before you finish the previous one. You do not
need to write the answers, just do them using your mind.
You'll be overwhelmed by the result...

How much is :

15+6

3+56

89+2

12+53

75+26

I know! Calculations are hard work but this is the real
thing dudes! Come on, a few more...

25+52

63+32

123+5

QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR!

Scroll further to the bottom...

A bit more...

Just a little further...

You have just thought about a red hammer, haven't you????

If this is not the case you are among 2% of the people who
have a "different" if not "abnormal" mind. 98% of the folks
would answer a "red hammer" while doing this exercise.

- submitted by Dave Houpert

--
SPAM HAIKUS REVISITED

- -----------
Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?
- -----------
Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass.
Pass another slice.
- -----------
Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat.
Give me a spork please.
- ------------
Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat SPAM daily", he says.
Angioplasty.
- -----------
Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food".
A small pink coffin.
- --

++
Classes for men at our local learning center for
adults-Sign-up by July 31 (Note: Due to the complexity and
difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept
a maximum of 8 participants each.)

Topic 1: How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step,
with slide presentation.

Topic 2: The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders?
Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3: Is it possible to urinate using the technique of
lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby
bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4: Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper
and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5: The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they
levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6: Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your
significant other. Help line support and support groups.

Topic 7: Learning how to find things, starting with looking
in the right place instead of turning the house upside down
while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8: Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful
to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9: Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life
testimonials.

Topic 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she
parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11: Learning to live: Basic differences between mother
and wife. On-line class and role playing.

Topic 12: How to be the ideal shopping companion: Relaxation
exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.

Topic 13: How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering
birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling
when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy
sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to
the survivors.

- submitted by Sandy Fraser

--
WOMEN'S ENGLISH

o Yes =3D No.
o No =3D Yes.
o Maybe =3D No.
o We need =3D I want.
o I'm sorry =3D You'll be sorry.
o We need to talk =3D I need to complain.
o Sure, go ahead =3D I don't want you to.
o Do what you want =3D You'll pay for this later.
o I'm not upset =3D Of course I'm upset, you moron!
o Are you listening to me?? =3D Too late, you're dead.
o You have to learn to communicate =3D Just agree with me.
o Be romantic, turn out the lights =3D I have flabby thighs.
o You're so ... manly =3D You need a shave and you sweat a
lot.
o Do you love me? =3D I'm going to ask for something
expensive.
o It's your decision =3D The correct decision should be
obvious by now.
o You're certainly attentive tonight =3D Is sex all you ever
think about?
o I'll be ready in a minute =3D Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on TV.
o How much do you love me? =3D I did something today that
you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:

o I'm hungry =3D I'm hungry.
o I'm sleepy =3D I'm sleepy.
o I'm tired =3D I'm tired.
o Nice dress =3D Nice cleavage!
o I love you =3D Let's have sex now.
o I'm bored =3D Do you want to have sex?
o What's wrong? =3D I guess sex is out of the question.
o May I have this dance? =3D I'd like to have sex with you.
o Can I call you sometime? =3D I'd like to have sex with you.
o Do you want to go to a movie? =3D I'd like to have sex with
you.
o Can I take you out to dinner? =3D I'd like to have sex with
you.
o Will you marry me? =3D I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.
o You look tense, let me give you a massage =3D I want to have
sex with you within the next ten minutes.
o Let's talk =3D I am trying to impress you by showing that I
am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
o I don't think those shoes go with that outfit =3D I'm gay.

- submitted by Gary Savage

--
(Mumf note: it made me laugh again, so here it is!)

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one
of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "Bubba is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it
easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence..., then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now
what?"

- submitted by Carol Bagshaw

--
cubicle hurdles.mpeg submitted by Toby "Guru" Bartlett

airolane.jpg submitted by Steve Halpin (Mumf note: a
classic!)

sp07162002.gif submitted by Fred Frost

schroeders-*.jpg all submitted by Jamie Ward (Blues)

--

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<DIV>Here, try this one... Quick as possible but do not carry on =
reading=20
the following questions before you finish the previous one. You do=20
not need to write the answers, just do them using your =
mind. You'll be=20
overwhelmed by the result... How much is=20
: 15+6 =
 3+56 <=
BR> 89+2 <B=
R> 12+53 <B=
R> 75+26 I=20
know! Calculations are hard work but this is the real thing dudes! =
Come on, a=20
few=20
more... <B=
R> 25+52 <B=
R> 63+32 <B=
R> 123+5 <B=
R> QUICK!=20
THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR! Scroll further to =
the=20
bottom... A bit=20
more... Just a little=20
further... You have just =
thought=20
about a red hammer, haven't you???? If this is not the case you =
are among=20
2% of the people who have a "different" if not "abnormal" mind. 98% =
of the=20
folks would answer a "red hammer" while doing this exercise. - =

submitted by Dave Houpert<BR><BR>--<BR>SPAM HAIKUS REVISITED<BR><BR>-=20
-----------<BR>Pink tender morsel,<BR>Glistening with salty gel.<BR>What =
the=20
hell is it?<BR>- -----------<BR>Ears, snouts and innards,<BR>A =
homogeneous=20
mass.<BR>Pass another slice.<BR>- -----------<BR>Cube of cold =
pinkness<BR>Yellow=20
specks of porcine fat.<BR>Give me a spork please.<BR>- =
------------<BR>Old man=20
seeks doctor.<BR>"I eat SPAM daily", he says.<BR>Angioplasty.<BR>-=20
-----------<BR>Highly unnatural,<BR>The tortured shape of this =
"food".<BR>A=20
small pink coffin.<BR>- --<BR><BR>++<BR>Classes for men at our local =
learning=20
center for<BR>adults-Sign-up by July 31 (Note: Due to the complexity=20
and<BR>difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept<BR>a =
maximum=20
of 8 participants each.)<BR><BR>Topic 1: How to fill up the ice cube =
trays. Step=20
by step,<BR>with slide presentation.<BR><BR>Topic 2: The toilet paper =
roll: Do=20
they grow on the holders?<BR>Roundtable discussion.<BR><BR>Topic 3: Is =
it=20
possible to urinate using the technique of<BR>lifting the seat up and =
avoiding=20
the floor/walls and nearby<BR>bathtub? Group practice.<BR><BR>Topic 4:=20
Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper<BR>and the floor. =
Pictures=20
and explanatory graphics.<BR><BR>Topic 5: The after-dinner dishes and=20
silverware: Can they<BR>levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples =
on=20
video.<BR><BR>Topic 6: Loss of identity: Losing the remote to=20
your<BR>significant other. Help line support and support =
groups.<BR><BR>Topic 7:=20
Learning how to find things, starting with looking<BR>in the right place =
instead=20
of turning the house upside down<BR>while screaming. Open =
forum.<BR><BR>Topic 8:=20
Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful<BR>to your health. =
Graphics=20
and audio tape.<BR><BR>Topic 9: Real men ask for directions when lost. =
Real=20
life<BR>testimonials.<BR><BR>Topic 10: Is it genetically impossible to =
sit=20
quietly as she<BR>parallel parks? Driving simulation.<BR><BR>Topic 11: =
Learning=20
to live: Basic differences between mother<BR>and wife. On-line class and =
role=20
playing.<BR><BR>Topic 12: How to be the ideal shopping companion:=20
Relaxation<BR>exercises, meditation, and breathing =
techniques.<BR><BR>Topic 13:=20
How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering<BR>birthdays, anniversaries, =
other=20
important dates and calling<BR>when you're going to be late. Cerebral =
shock=20
therapy<BR>sessions and full lobotomies offered.<BR><BR>**Upon =
completion of the=20
course, diplomas will be issued to<BR>the survivors.<BR><BR>- submitted =
by Sandy=20
Fraser<BR><BR>--<BR>WOMEN'S ENGLISH<BR><BR>o Yes =3D No.<BR>o No =3D =
Yes.<BR>o Maybe=20
=3D No.<BR>o We need =3D I want.<BR>o I'm sorry =3D You'll be =
sorry.<BR>o We need to=20
talk =3D I need to complain.<BR>o Sure, go ahead =3D I don't want you =
to.<BR>o Do=20
what you want =3D You'll pay for this later.<BR>o I'm not upset =3D Of =
course I'm=20
upset, you moron!<BR>o Are you listening to me?? =3D Too late, you're =
dead.<BR>o=20
You have to learn to communicate =3D Just agree with me.<BR>o Be =
romantic, turn=20
out the lights =3D I have flabby thighs.<BR>o You're so ... manly =3D =
You need a=20
shave and you sweat a<BR>lot.<BR>o Do you love me? =3D I'm going to ask =
for=20
something<BR>expensive.<BR>o It's your decision =3D The correct decision =
should=20
be<BR>obvious by now.<BR>o You're certainly attentive tonight =3D Is sex =
all you=20
ever<BR>think about?<BR>o I'll be ready in a minute =3D Kick off your =
shoes and=20
find a<BR>good game on TV.<BR>o How much do you love me? =3D I did =
something today=20
that<BR>you're really not going to like.<BR><BR>MEN'S ENGLISH:<BR><BR>o =
I'm=20
hungry =3D I'm hungry.<BR>o I'm sleepy =3D I'm sleepy.<BR>o I'm tired =
=3D I'm=20
tired.<BR>o Nice dress =3D Nice cleavage!<BR>o I love you =3D Let's have =
sex=20
now.<BR>o I'm bored =3D Do you want to have sex?<BR>o What's wrong? =3D =
I guess sex=20
is out of the question.<BR>o May I have this dance? =3D I'd like to have =
sex with=20
you.<BR>o Can I call you sometime? =3D I'd like to have sex with =
you.<BR>o Do you=20
want to go to a movie? =3D I'd like to have sex with<BR>you.<BR>o Can I =
take you=20
out to dinner? =3D I'd like to have sex with<BR>you.<BR>o Will you marry =
me? =3D I=20
want to make it illegal for you to<BR>have sex with other guys.<BR>o You =
look=20
tense, let me give you a massage =3D I want to have<BR>sex with you =
within the=20
next ten minutes.<BR>o Let's talk =3D I am trying to impress you by =
showing that=20
I<BR>am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.<BR>o I =
don't think=20
those shoes go with that outfit =3D I'm gay.<BR><BR>- submitted by Gary=20
Savage<BR><BR>--<BR>(Mumf note: it made me laugh again, so here it =
is!)<BR><BR>A=20
couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one<BR>of them =
falls to the=20
ground. He doesn't seem to be<BR>breathing, his eyes are rolled back in =
his=20
head.<BR><BR>The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls =
911.<BR><BR>He=20
gasps to the operator, "Bubba is dead! What can I do?"<BR><BR>The =
operator, in a=20
calm soothing voice says, "Just take it<BR>easy. I can help. First, =
let's make=20
sure he's dead."<BR><BR>There is a silence..., then a shot is =
heard.<BR><BR>The=20
guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now<BR>what?"<BR><BR>- =

submitted by Carol Bagshaw<BR><BR>--<BR>cubicle hurdles.mpeg submitted =
by Toby=20
"Guru" Bartlett<BR><BR>airolane.jpg submitted by Steve Halpin (Mumf =
note:=20
a<BR>classic!)<BR><BR>sp07162002.gif submitted by Fred=20
Frost<BR><BR>schroeders-*.jpg all submitted by Jamie Ward=20
(Blues)<BR><BR>--<BR></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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