[Rhodes22-list] lots of jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

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The priest in a small Irish village raised chickens in the
yard of the parish house. He had ten hens and one rooster, a
feisty red cock which he was particularly fond of.

One Saturday night the cock was missing, and the priest
suspected he had been taken to be used in cockfights, which
he had heard took place in the village in the evenings.

He was very upset, and decided to do something about it at
church the next morning. At Mass, he delivered a long sermon
on the importance of being truthful, then asked the
congregation, "Who here owns a cock?

All the men stood up.

"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant, has anyone here
seen a cock recently?" All the women stood up.

"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either! Has
anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? Half the
women stood up.

Quite flustered now, the priest continued: "Heavens, no!" he
said "That wasn't what I meant at all. Has anybody seen MY
cock?"

All the choir boys stood up.

++
Bubba was from Alabama and was, a hard-shell Southern
Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day
he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when
he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo
and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did the
next race.

Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track
as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a
blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a
beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest
had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and
anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his
blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a
horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the
horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in
some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his
wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop
at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's
blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track
before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears
and hooves of one of the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead
last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and
when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened,
Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last
race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my
savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with
you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and the Last Rites."

- from Sue Greene

--
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY A, B, C, D, DD, E, F AND G ARE
THE LETTERS USED TO DEFINE BRA SIZES? IF YOU HAVE WONDERED
WHY, BUT COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THE LETTERS STOOD FOR. IT
IS ABOUT TIME YOU BECAME INFORMED!

A - ALMOST BOOBS..
B - BARELY THERE.
C - CAN'T COMPLAIN
D - DAMN!
DD- DOUBLE DAMN!
E - ENORMOUS!
G - GEEEEZUS CHRIST!
F - FAKE

- from Kenny Taylor

--
A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX.
IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY
ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER "T". EXAMPLE OF
THOSE DAYS ARE:
 TUESDAY
 THURSDAY
 THANKSGIVING
 TODAY
 TOMORROW
 THATURDAY
 THUNDAY

WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED: A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED TO
DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
  5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER.
 12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE TOILET.
 83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME.

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT: YOU'RE SITTING AT
THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF THE BOX OF
WHEATIES. YOUR MISTRESS IN ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY, AND YOUR
WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman =3D romance
Smart man + dumb woman =3D affair
Dumb man + smart woman =3D marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman =3D pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee =3D profit
Smart boss + dumb employee =3D production
Dumb boss + smart employee =3D promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee =3D overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are
a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and
she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.

- from Corrine Garneau

--
A Yankee salesman was traveling through the countryside
peddling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried
his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you
will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a
proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield, buck naked,
covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite
on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he
stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug
spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to
the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging
in his bonds, not a single bite on him, yet he was a total
wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite
on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't
have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil
happened?"

He looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "My God,
Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?"

- from Carol Bagshaw

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in
the newsletter of the Australian equivalent to the Workers
Compensation board and is a true story. Had this guy died,
he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put
poor planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a
fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be
sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I
was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks
left over which, when weighed later were found to be
slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to
lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached
to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the
rope at ground level I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent
of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I
weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the
ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to
let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid
rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which
was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the
broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident
report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid
ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were
two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind
and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of
beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same
time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the
bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of
the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I
refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side
of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured
ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and
lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with
the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only
three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure
and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there
watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto
me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

- from Kevin Haggerty

--
Things I've learned about Kentucky:

o Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in
the air.
o There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in
Kentucky.
o There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in
Kentucky, plus a couple no one's seen before. Squirrels will
eat anything.
o Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when
they are ripe.
o If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
o A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get
stuck.
o Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart, it
is a buggy.
o Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
o People actually grow and eat okra.
o Fixinto is one word.
o A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for
irrigation, watterin' the cows, swimming, or a weekly bath.
o There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only
dinner and then there's supper.
o Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it
when you're 2(AND ITS COLD AND SWEET).
o Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
o 'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
o You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter
what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark
to see.
o Darn near everyone knows 5 or more cloud types, guess they
got to be look'n out for them there ternayders (translation:
tornados)

More Kentuckians.................. You know you're from
Kentucky if:
 1. You measure distance in minutes.
 2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the
same day.
 3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
 4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store
with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
 5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to
the store.
 6. All the festivals across the state are named after a
fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked.
 8. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
 9. You know what "cow tipping" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and
Tabasco.
11. The local papers cover national and international news
on one page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and
sports.
12. You think that the first day of deer season is a
national holiday.
13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still
summer, and Christmas.
15. You know whether another Kentuckian is from east, west,
or middle Kentucky as soon as they open their mouth.
16. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin
wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees)as
good chili weather.
18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop --
it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What
kinna coke you want?"
19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your
friends from Kentucky.

- from Sue Greene

--
Comments made in the year 1957:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they
are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries
for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't
be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A
quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a
dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able
to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas
would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better
off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make
it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys
will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever
since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in
'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either
"hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's
possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing
for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't
surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the
president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters
now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a
few married women are having to work to make ends meet."


"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to
hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood
stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."


"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the
door to a whole lot
of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes
wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but
I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the
hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

- from Sandy Fraser

--
Two 15-year-old boys took a family pickup truck on a
vandalizing spree early one morning, zigzagging all over
seven lawns in Grand Island, Neb., and also hitting a street
sign and a tree before speeding away.

Police had no trouble locating the lads because the truck
had the name of the family business painted on the door
along with a phone number.

++
Two teenagers called a pizza parlor to make a delivery to a
Lawrenceville, Pa., address. When the driver showed up, they
came out from nearby hiding places and robbed him at
gunpoint.

Two weeks later, they tried it again. This time, the pizza
parlor sent an undercover policeman to make the delivery.
When they pulled their guns, he pulled his. Arrests
followed.

++
A new clothing store in Vancouver, British Columbia, offered
a free outfit to 30 people who came to the opening willing
to shop for it in the nude. Twenty-six women and four men
were given ``naked passes'' and allowed inside.

The very large crowd was kept outside.

++
After holding up a bank in Charlotte, N.C., a robber went to
lunch in a diner on the highway not far away. He didn't know
that the bank employees enjoyed eating at the same place.

They saw him and called the cops.

++
A guard took two inmates out of the prison in Bayombong,
Philippines, and to a drinking session at a beer joint in
Solano. Merriment ensued.

While the guard and one of the prisoners were singing and
drinking, the other one slipped out the back door and has
not returned.

++
A young man burglarized a camera store in Oberwil,
Switzerland. He was apprehended because he accidentally left
behind his resume containing his name and address.

++
A 23-year-old woman pretending to be a teenage boy met a
13-year-old girl over the Internet and embarked on a sexual
relationship with her.

Though they were intimate, the woman managed to deceive the
girl as to her gender for more than a year, even living
briefly with the girl in her family home in Ohio.

The woman was finally arrested and sent to jail for a year.

++
A woman was breast-feeding her infant son in Hong Kong's
Central Library when an employee told her to stop.
No food or drinks are allowed, she was told.

- from Dave Houpert

--
This guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is
waiting for her date.

He just won't take no for an answer.

The lesbian smirks and says.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one
thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your
vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

--
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's
the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.

I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was
scratching his back one day.

"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."

--
Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was
surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and
began taking off his clothes.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the
bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."

--
A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday
he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he
calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The
boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's
great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You
seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a
good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem?
Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my
brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my
sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure
she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries,
one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm
screwing her."

The boss says, "You screw your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

--
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was
placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of
flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and
eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart
opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just
then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

--

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