[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees
and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet
me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess
you'd be eating alone."

- from Pete Lipke

--
Dog Letters to God:

Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom,
if ever, smell one another? Where are their damn priorities?

Dear God:
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it
the same old story?

Dear God:
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar,
the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the
rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a
cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every
breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to
rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
him, does he still get his rear whacked with a newspaper?

Dear God:
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God:
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti.

Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to do that
stupid-ass shake-hands trick to get in?

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What the hell do humans understand?

Dear God:
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I
ever hear back is the horny schnauzer across the street.

Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize to them?

Dear God:
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because
we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the
accident on the carpet thing, again?

Dear God:
May I have my balls back?

- from Jay Pocius

--
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the
hell have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred
dollar bill on your penis?"

"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number
two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. Third, I
like how money feels in my hand... And lastly, instead of
you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!

- from Fred Frost

--
Southern sayings

 1. "Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit."
 2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's ass in a pepper patch."
 3. "She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch
on the way down."
 4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered
and blowed.'"
 5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
 6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
 7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
 8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
 9. "He's as country as cornflakes."
10. "This is gooder'n grits."
11. "Busier than a cat covering shit on a marble floor."
12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to
help me enjoy it."

"NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH"

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is
to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed
on how to use it shortly.
 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not
mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it
snows.
 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men in the cab of a four-wheel pickup with a 12-pack of beer
and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help
them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.
 4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless
you already know the positions of key hills, trees and
rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
 5. Remember: "Y'all" and "Ya" are singular. "All y'all"
is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
 6. Get used to hearing, "Y'all ain't from around here, are
ya?"
 7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They
don't understand you, either.
 8. The first Southern expression to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big
ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy." "Fixin'" as in
"I'm fixin' to go to the store" is 2nd. And "y'all" is 3rd.
 9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a
55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember:
ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and
this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words
he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore
those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car
with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it
was already turned on when the car was purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth
cooking, let alone eating.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can
wait until December.
14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance
of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your
presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not
matter if you need anything from the store. It is just
something you're supposed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you
purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the
house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be
prominently displayed.
16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin" is
a valid defense.

++
Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a
towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says," I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands
her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good
fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from
the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the
$800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk in time with your
stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure

Corporate lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They
rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie
says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each
of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in
the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I
want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of
my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after
lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

- from Melinda Sisk

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