[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
 8. Just stick it in my box.
 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
 5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
 3. It's an entry level position.
 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn't:

 1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits
there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
 9. He is one hard judge.
 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
 6. Is it a penal offense?
 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but in law isn't:

 1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
 9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
 7. Look at the size of his putter.
 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
 5. Mind if I join your threesome?
 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be
desired.

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn't:

 1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

- from Kevin Haggerty

--
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks
go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel,
I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they
talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and
'mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you
two ever have 'mutual orgasm'?".

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head
and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

++
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their
retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be
much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of
two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

- from Patty Galvin

--
http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/flash/10_2002/sept02-smil
epop-bugseren2.swf

- from Sue Greene, who reminds you that this needs sound

--
I moved into a new apartment in Portland's 23rd NW district
a couple of weeks ago. The place is a duplex, with carpeting
the color of dijon mustard (a greyish yellow).

And I made a startling discovery: when my cat threw up (one
of them had to, it was an eventuality), it matched the
carpet! But perfectly!! No embarrassing stains to cover with
oddly placed flower pots, no expensive steam cleaning, or
walking across damp "woolite" patches...

It's great. It's exactly the color of Science Diet Senior
Light, hairball control formula.

So, here's my idea: I'd like to go into the cat food
business, making cat food. But not the usual: "kitten",
"weight loss", "hairball control", and "sensitive stomach"
formulas. No, sir!

We're going to make different shades of cat food to match
your carpet!

I don't know why I didn't think of this before, it's so
brilliant.

Now, who wants to finance me?

++
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight,
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby were
breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a
while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't
have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I
came".

++
(Mumf note: this one reminds me of conversations with our
former president at Concorde, Todd Greenberg...)

Frank Lingua, president and CEO of Dissembling Associates,
is the nation's leading purveyor of buzzwords, catch phrases
and clichés for people too busy to speak in plain English.
Business Finance contributing editor Dan Danbom interviewed
Lingua in his New York City office.

Danbom: Is being a cliché expert a full-time job?
Lingua: Bottom line is I have a full plate 24/7.

Danbom: Is it hard to keep up with the seemingly endless
supply of clichés that spew from business?
Lingua: Some days, I don't have the bandwidth. It's like
drinking from a fire hydrant.

Danbom: So it's difficult?
Lingua: Harder than nailing Jell-O to the wall.

Danbom: Where do most clichés come from?
Lingua: Stakeholders push the envelope until it's outside
the box.

Danbom: How do you track them once they've been coined?
Lingua: It's like herding cats.

Danbom: Can you predict whether a phrase is going to become
a cliché?
Lingua: Yes. I skate to where the puck's going to be.
Because if you aren't the lead dog, you're not providing a
customer-centric proactive solution.

Danbom: Give us a new buzzword that we'll be hearing ad
nauseam.
Lingua: "Enronitis" could be a next-generation player.

Danbom: Do people understand your role as a cliché expert?
Lingua: No, they can't get their arms around that. But they
aren't incented to.

Danbom: How do people know you're a cliché expert?
Lingua: I walk the walk and talk the talk.

Danbom: Did incomprehensibility come naturally to you?
Lingua: I wasn't wired that way, but it became
mission-critical as I strategically focused on my go-forward
plan.

Danbom: What did you do to develop this talent?
Lingua: It's not rocket science. It's not brain surgery.
When you drill down to the granular level, it's just basic
blocking and tackling.

Danbom: How do you know if you're successful in your work?
Lingua: At the end of the day, it's all about robust,
world-class language solutions.

Danbom: How do you stay ahead of others in the buzzword
industry?
Lingua: Net-net, my value proposition is based on maximizing
synergies and being first to market with a leveraged,
value-added deliverable. That's the opportunity space on a
level playing field.

Danbom: Does everyone in business eventually devolve into
the sort of mindless drivel you spout?
Lingua: If you walk like a duck and talk like a duck, you're
a duck. They all drink the Kool-Aid.

Danbom: Do you read "Dilbert" in the newspaper?
Lingua: My knowledge base is de-selective of fiber media.

Danbom: Does that mean "no"?
Lingua: Negative.

Danbom: Does THAT mean "no"?!?
Lingua: Let's take your issues offline.

Danbom: NO, WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE MY "ISSUES" OFFLINE!!
Lingua: You have a result-driven mind-set that isn't a
strategic fit with my game plan.

Danbom: I WANT TO PUSH YOUR FACE IN.
Lingua: Your call is very important to me.

Danbom: How can you live with yourself?
Lingua: I eat my own dog food. My vision is to monetize
scalable supply chains.

Danbom: When are you going to quit this?
Lingua: I may eventually exit the business to pursue other
career opportunities.

Danbom: I hate you.
Lingua: Take it and run with it.

- from Sandy Fraser

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