[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

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Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in
Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida and one from
New York. They got acquainted and started talking about
their problems with their wives.

The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife clearly
that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking.
Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The
second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came
home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner
was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and
told her, that from now on she would have to do all the
grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning. The first
day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But the
third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless,
and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."

The fellow from New York was married to a woman who had
grown up in New York all her life. He sat up straight on the
bar stool, pushed out his chest and said. "I gave my wife a
stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to
do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the first
day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the
third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

- from Gary Savage

--
10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE
WON'T ADMIT:

 1. Elvis is dead.
 2. Anything below 45 degrees is cold. You should be wearing
a jacket, long pants, and shoes with socks.
 3. Jesus was not White.
 4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
 5. Black folks do tan!
 6. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
 7. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
 8. Bob Hope has never been funny.
 9. In his prime, Joe Louis would have beat the tar out of
Rocky Marciano. (So would Muhammad Ali)
10. Money isn't everything.


10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS WHITE PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE
WON'T ADMIT:

 1. Tupac is dead.
 2. Gold plating does not make everything better.
 3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
 4. O.J. did it
 5. Teeth should not be decorated.
 6. There are some outfits that hats don't go with.
 7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
 8. Larry Bird could play.
 9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than
your car.
10. Your pastor doesn't know everything

10 THINGS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW BUT SPANISH PEOPLE
DON'T ADMIT:

 1. Chicken is food, not a roommate
 2. Its the Yankees not the Jankees
 3. Your country's flag is not a car decoration
 4. If _______ (fill in the blank with your country) is so
beautiful and nice, what are you doing here?
 5. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every
person in your family
 6. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad
fashion statement
 7. There are other foods beside Arroz con Pollo
 8. Jesus is not a name for your son
 9. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter
10. Despite what Rita Moreno sang... EVERYTHING IS NOT FREE
IN AMERICA

- from, surprisingly, Jay Pocius (Mumf note: and, yes, I do
have The Vines tix)

--
You're A Redneck Jedi When"

 1. You use the force to cheat at fishing, bowling, and
long-distance spitting.
 2. More than half the droids you own don't function.
 3. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
 4. You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
 5. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78
Wampas you shot while vacationing on Hoth.
 6. Your moonshine is made on the moon.
 7. You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents
access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
 8. Sandpeople back down from your mama.
 9. You've used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a
DUI.
10. You've strangled people with the force because they
laughed at your accent.
11. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
12. You've argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a
broken droid.
13. A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.
14. You've wrecked several landspeeders while lighting
cigarettes with your lightsaber.
15. You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
16. You've gone AT-AT tipping.
17. Jabba's pig guards think you have a hygiene problem.
18. You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
19. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
20. You discovered that your greatest enemy is, in fact,
your father, who also happens to be your brother.

--
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polack
with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the
pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his
yardstick.

Seeing the Polack's ignorance, the American wrenches the
pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it
with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."

The Polack grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot
American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how
high it is!"

--
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The
doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting
these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most
mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the
mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this,
but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my
guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never
ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is
there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last
time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the
east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned
if I'm going to miss it this time!"

--

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