[Rhodes22-list] jokes
Michael Meltzer
mjm@michaelmeltzer.com
Wed, 27 Nov 2002 18:04:59 -0500
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An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who
would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Dear Son:
I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like
I won't be able to plant my potato garden this
year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because
your mother always loved planting time. I'm just
getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me, if you
weren't in prison.
Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram, "For HEAVEN'S
SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried
the GUNS!"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local
police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden
without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling
him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's
reply was, "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the
best I could do for you at this time."
- from Fred Frost
--
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, I've got a big
problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I
don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and
asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come
you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never
home!"
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you
die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My
Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replied, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This
will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out
of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs so he
couldn't get back in.
++
Actual School Absence Excuse Notes:
These are excuse notes from parents (including original
spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.
today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I
had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan.
28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday
he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out
of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has
been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his
side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
(diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were
crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a
cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was
in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the
doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister
was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low
grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either,
sore throat and fever. There must be something going around,
her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Ian for not being in school
yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready
because I was in bed with the doctor.
- from Carol Bagshaw
--
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they
want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,
you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come
to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to
relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their
lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be
seen as gross.
- from Kevin Haggerty
--
Bumper Stickers:"
"5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an
amusement park."
"If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy."
"I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit."
"Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!"
"Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?"
"Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change."
"If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you."
"My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or
something like that."
"EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later."
"Your child may be an honor student but you're still an
idiot."
"If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people."
"Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes."
"God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier."
"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive."
"Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than all of my
guns."
"Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!"
++
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights'.
"It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
"I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
"I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
"And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
"Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
"Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
"Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better know as C.S.D."
Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
"I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
"I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
"Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
"I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.
"Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
"I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights,'
It's in effect today!
"Hey hot shot, are you crying,
why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D...? "
++
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out
and in an out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter
says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
++
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My
six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed
our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice
cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I
heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this
country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God
for ice-cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I
do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured
him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly
not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God
thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman
whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she
never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for
the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the
meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did
something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up
his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here,
this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes;
and my soul is good already."
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