[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[brad haslett]

DAVID LETTERMAN AND JAY LENO ON OSAMA (oabb)


"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's
worth $300 million, he 
has five wives and 26 kids and he hates Americans for
their 'excessive' 
lifestyle."-- David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing
bin Laden won't solve 
the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."-- Jay
Leno

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled
rich kid Osama bin 
Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids.
Mother must be 
exhausted. This guy inherited$80 million at age 13 and
has since expanded it 
to $300million through construction, smart investments
and gas and oil 
investments. This way, he can use the money in his war
against 
capitalism."-- Jay Leno

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them
came here legally, but 
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as
long as 10-15 years. 
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days
late with a video and 
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster
in charge of 
immigration."-- Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden.
You know, he never 
sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just
like Clinton."-- Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth
$300M. I have three words 
for this guy: Anna Nicole-Smith. We send her over
there, she'll get his 
money, he'll be dead in a week." -- Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50
brothers and sisters. 
Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he
was Catholic"-- Conan 
O'Brien

"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands
of men who look 
forward to death like Americans look forward to
living, which is great 
because we can arrange that! We'll set them up with
death, we'll continue 
living."-- Jay Leno

"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As
usual, we're number 
three."- David Letterman

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to
be people in this 
town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white
powder."-- Jay Leno

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the
networks are a how-to 
manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This
reporter is standing 
outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they
poured the poison here it 
could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty
from noon until 1 
every day!''-- Jay Leno

"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning
that Publishers 
Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent
that could be mistaken 
for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with
this promotion? 
What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in
a box."-- Jay Leno

"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any
letters or packages that 
have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be
terrible news for the 
rap industry."-- Jay Leno

In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky
Fried Chicken restaurant 
on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were
attacking high-ranking 
U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."-- Jimmy
Fallon

"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode makes a
direct reference to 
what happened in NewYork City. The exact plot is being
kept top secret. We 
are the only country in the world where we put our
battle plans on CNN, but 
the plots to our TV shows are top secret."-- Jay Leno

"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the
Taliban will fall for 
hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing
by to replace Mullah 
Mohammed Omar. The most ominous sign of all, President
Bush has learned all 
their names."-- Comedian Argus Hamilton

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go
over there to talk 
with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble
rhyming the word 
Jihad."-- Jay Leno

"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting
on the Internet and 
saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were
alive today his name 
would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a
minute." -- Jay Leno

"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go
after the terrorist's 
electronic banking system. You know what they should
do? They should 
transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up
his deposit, screw up 
his statement and nickel and dime him to death with
service charges."-- Jay 
Leno

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at
the airport, but let's 
be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your
last name isn't Ali, 
arrive at the airport extra early."-- Jay Leno
 
 

   
 
 

 
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