[Rhodes22-list] FW: Louisiana Hurricane Notes

[Ben Schultz]

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I thought this might also apply to some of you in Florida and along the
southeast coast....




Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic
meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three
days.

STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home
meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might
be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual
premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any
moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane
George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This
week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy
which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The
disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The
disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless
bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely
protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your
house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like
ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure
of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you
don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's license; if it says ``Louisiana,'' you live in a low-lying
area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped
in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred
thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to
be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach.
(No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is
for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
(This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast
of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in
rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!


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---------------------- multipart/alternative attachment

   I thought this might also apply to some of you in Florida and along
   the southeast coast....

   Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes

   We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
   Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
   pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two
   basic
   meteorological points:

   (1) There is no need to panic.
   (2) We could all be killed.

   Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana.
   If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to
   do to
   prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''

   Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
   three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

   STEP 1.
   Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
   three
   days.

   STEP 2.
   Put these supplies into your car.

   STEP 3.
   Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

   Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
   sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.

   We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
   items:

   HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
   If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
   Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
   home
   meets two basic requirements:

   (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
   (2) It is located in Nebraska.

   Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any
   other
   area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
   companies
   would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
   might
   be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got
   into
   the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
   around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual
   premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any
   moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
   Hurricane
   George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.
   This
   week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
   policy
   which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
   entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

   SHUTTERS:
   Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
   doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
   several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

   Plywood shutters:
   The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
   The
   disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall
   off.

   Sheet-metal shutters:
   The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The
   disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be
   useless
   bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

   Roll-down shutters:
   The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely
   protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell
   your
   house to pay for them.

   "Hurricane-proof'' windows:
   These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like
   ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be
   sure
   of this, because the salesman says so.
   He lives in Nebraska.

   "Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
   As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
   barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc..
   You
   should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if
   you
   don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
   Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
   missiles.

   EVACUATION ROUTE:
   If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
   planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
   at
   your driver's license; if it says ``Louisiana,'' you live in a
   low-lying
   area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
   trapped
   in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in
   a
   gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
   hundred
   thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

   HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
   If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
   them
   now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last
   possible
   minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
   strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

   In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
   23 flashlights
   At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes
   off, to
   be the wrong size for the flashlights.
   Bleach.
   (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach
   is
   for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

   A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
   A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
   (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
   A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
   (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL
   be
   irate alligators.)
   $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
   can
   buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

   Of course these are just basic precautions.
   As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
   abreast
   of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV
   reporters in
   rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over
   how
   vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

   Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!

                   +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

    The information transmitted may contain confidential material and is
      intended only for the person or entity to which it is addressed.

   Any review, retransmission, dissemination or other use of or taking of
   any action by persons or entities other than the intended recipient is
                                prohibited.

    If you are not the intended recipient, please delete the information
                  from your system and contact the sender.

                  +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

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