[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA
will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed
by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims, "It will now be
possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails,
highballs, and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi
will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do

- from John Redfield

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The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often
helped men last longer during the act. The man decided,
"What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day
thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his
office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too
open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too
unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from
work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started
to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant
leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm,
he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you
doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's
busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too,
because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

- from Sue Greene

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On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony
called Taslich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a
stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the
water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be
thrown.

Here are suggestions for breads which may be most
appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.

For ordinary sins...............White Bread
For erotic sins.................French Bread
For particularly dark sins......Pumpernickel
For complex sins................Multigrain
For twisted sins................Pretzels
For tasteless sins..............Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision..........Waffles
For sins committed in haste.....Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah............Fresh Bread
For substance abuse.............Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs..........Poppy Seed
For petty larceny...............Stollen
For committing auto theft.......Caraway
For timidity/cowardice..........Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness............Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity.....Nut Bread
For not giving full value.......Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism........Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony.............Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances.........Hero Bread
For war-mongering...............Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly.........Tarts
For causing injury to others....Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity.....Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles...Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes............Crackers
For sophisticated racism........Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou......Bagels
For abrasiveness................Grits
For dropping in without notice..Popovers
For overeating..................Stuffing
For impetuosity.................Quick Bread
For indecent photography........Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often..Challah
For pride and egotism...........Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, ass-kissing.....Brownies
For being overly smothering.....Angel Food Cake
For laziness....................Any long loaf
For trashing the environment....Dumplings

... and my personal favorite:

For telling bad jokes/puns......Corn Bread

For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, we suggest
a Taslich Mix available in three grades (Taslich Lite,
Medium, and Industrial Strength) at your favorite Jewish
bookstore ...for the sin of being a schmuck, pita bread.

- from Sandy Fraser

--
http://www.winxpnews.com/rd/rd.cfm?id=020917FA-Training_Vide
o&mid=5957044079355987

- from Tim Corcoran

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On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off his
itinerary to visit the Texas coastline on an impromptu
sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Pope mobile was driving along the
beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion
heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was
and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the
water a hapless man wearing a Texas Aggie football jersey,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a
25-foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing
University of Texas football jerseys roared into view from
around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and
fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it
instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Aggie
from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to
death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into
the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a
hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the
shore. It was he Pope summoning them to the beach.

After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the
rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave
actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatred
between the Aggies and the Longhorns but now I have seen
with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your
society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and
could serve as a model on which other states could follow".
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was
that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He
is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's
wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner replied, "he don't know nothing about
shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to
get another one?"

- from Carol Bagshaw

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