[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family
including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in
Jerusalem George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the
American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the
body back to the United States for a proper burial. The
Consul told George that to send the body back to the United
States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him
as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible
for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in
Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.

George thinks for sometime and answers, "I don't care how
much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want
to do."

The Consul says "You must have loved your Mother-in-law very
much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case
many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in
Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just
can't take that chance!"

- from Kevin Haggerty

--
Signs your co-worker is a computer hacker:

o Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone
bill.
o Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three
years running.
o When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
o Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
o Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
o Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The
Net."
o Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
o Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption"
among turn-ons.
o Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good
Morning, Mr./Mrs. President."
o You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card
now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

++
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules)
and told him that he and his wife (who was also his cousin)
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb(fireworks are legal in
'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the
procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were
from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home
and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can,
hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the
man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... ", at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other
hand...

- from Patty Galvin

++
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly
accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown
to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,
remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove
his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the
mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve
a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and
seek; further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or,
you might miss great opportunities!

- from Gary Savage

--
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day
he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A
gorgeous, petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately
gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over
to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for
me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule
here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called
for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool,
lays down on a towel, eagerly
pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities.

He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds
a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection
lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says,
"Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

The huge man says, "You must be new here; it is a rule that
when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man
then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and
has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, who says, "May I help you?"

Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the
$500 joining fee."

The receptionist says, "But sir, you've only been here a
couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities..."

Bob replies, "Listen, lady, I'm 58 years old. I get a
hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

- from Fred Frost

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