[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a
sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as
on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the
man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and
she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we
still couldn't get the jar open."

- from Jon "I Shit Myself at Parties" DesLaurier

--
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Billy was
staring up at the plaque that hung in the foyer of the
church. It was covered with names and small American flags
were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some
time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy,
and said quietly, "Good morning, Billy."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused
on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died while in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque. Little
Billy was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the
9:45 or the 11:00?"

++
There is a new study out about women. I thought these
results were pretty interesting.

(1) 85% of women think their ass is too big.......
(2) 10% of women think their ass is too little......
(3) The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and
would have married him anyway.

- from Sandy Fraser

--
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm
sure they would like to take back:

 1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk
Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch
this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

 2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a
lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I
once mounted her mother."

 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely,
truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly
identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."

 5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries
and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really
that serious."

 6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again."

 7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over
their faces."

 8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't
that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging
the Cox of the Oxford crew."

 9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is
everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer
is playing so well is that, before each final round, his
wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what
have I just said?"

- from Chuck "Jabronie" Mumford

--
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a
person is sexually active or not.

 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that
when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone
estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.
 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of
suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat
produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on
during that romantic dinner.
 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It
stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body.
It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't
need special sneakers!
 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases
the chemical endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a
sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of
well-being.
 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The
sexually active body gives off greater quantities of
chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive
the opposite sex crazy!
 7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10
TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
 8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing
encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the
level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque
buildup.
 9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session
can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the
brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a
natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay
fever.

- from Sara "I Love Cool Sex" Fleming (Mumf note: check her
skin if you don't believe it!)

--

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