[Rhodes22-list] a lot of jokes, pictures and halloween stuff

[Michael Meltzer]

BELIEF

One person with a belief
is equal to a force of ninety-nine
who have only interest.

     - John Stewart Mill

--
A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark
night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling
and no cars went by; the storm was so strong he could hardly
see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and then stop.
Without thinking about it, the guy gets into the car, closes
the door, and then realizes there is no one behind the
wheel. The car starts slowly; the guy looks at the road and
sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray,
begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when just
before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the
window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror,
watches how the hand appears every time they approach a
curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy jumps from the car and runs
to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a tavern
and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A
silence envelopes everybody when they realize the guy is
crying and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walk in the same tavern
and one says to the other, "Look, dude, that's the asshole
who got into the car while we were pushing it."

++
http://www.cutestuf.com/flash_1002/bluemoon.swf

- from Sandy Fraser

--
ChristiansForCannabis believe that the laws that prohibit
the possession, use and cultivation of marijuana/cannabis
are immoral and unjust and the Christian support of these
laws to be in violation of God's word. We base our position
on: the inerrancy of the Bible; God's creatorship of the
earth and all that is in it, including the seed bearing
plant we call cannabis or marijuana; Jesus's commands to not
judge anything before the appointed time and to love as he
loved; and how love does no harm to its neighbor.

Our mission is to educate the Christian community concerning
the scriptural invalidity of the war on drugs, provide
reliable resources of information for them to explore the
issue and learn the facts, encourage Christian cannabis
users to become more active in the work of repealing the
laws, and to provide encouragement, support and prayer for
the subculture as a whole and those that work on its behalf.

Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue
oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and
withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making
widows their prey and robbing the fatherless.
Isaiah 10:1-2

But instead, one brother goes to law against another--and
this in front of unbelievers! The very fact that you have
lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated
already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be
cheated? Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you
do this to your brothers.
I Corinthians 6:6-8

So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as
those entrusted with the secret things of God. Now it is
required that those who have been given a trust must prove
faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any
human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My
conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It
is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before
the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring
to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the
motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his
praise from God.
1 Corinthians 4:1-5

"Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge,
and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not
be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and
it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down,
shaken together and running over, will be poured into your
lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to
you."
Luke 6:36-38

Do not plot harm against your neighbor, who lives trustfully
near you. Do not accuse a man for no reason- when he has
done you no harm.
Proverbs 3:29-30

Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation:
seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit
with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it
was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed
according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed
in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was
good. And there was evening, and there was morning-the third
day.
Genesis 1:11-13

Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the
face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with
seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the
beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the
creatures that move on the ground-everything that has the
breath of life in it-I give every green plant for food." And
it was so. God saw all that he had made, and it was very
good. And there was evening, and there was morning-the sixth
day.
Genesis 1:29-31

For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be
rejected if it is received with thanksgiving...
I Timothy 4:4

(for more information on this, go to:
http://www.christiansforcannabis.com)

- from Jay Pocius (Mumf note: and endorsed by most people I
know!)

--
http://doody36.home.attbi.com/liberty.htm

- from Corrine Garneau

--
Last Friday, the Oprah show covered a story of a Nigerian
woman, Amina Lawal, who has been sentenced to death by
stoning because she had a baby out of wedlock. She has tried
to appeal the decision but has been unsuccessful, thus far.
The head of Nigeria disagrees with these stoning but has so
far done nothing-partly because of the fear of not being
re-elected. I should also note that the father of the baby
denied fathering the child and, hence, has escaped any form
of punishment.

Amina Lawal's stoning will occur as soon as she is finished
nursing her child. She will be buried up to her neck in dirt
and townsmen will throw stones at her head until they kill
her-which has been known to take hours. I send out a plea to
all the women receiving this e-mail and to all the men
raised by women to join me and many others to help prevent
this horrific and inhumane event from occurring.

All you have to do is visit the Oprah website: www.oprah.com

Click on the Amina Lawal pop up screen and you will see a
prewritten letter addressed to the Nigerian Ambassador. Just
fill out your information on the bottom of the page and send
it. It's as simple as that.

- from Sue Greene

--
OSLO (Reuters) - Keiko the killer whale, star of the "Free
Willy" movie, has turned up in a narrow Norwegian fjord,
where he has made a splash with the locals.
The 10-meter- (30-foot-) long whale, released into the wild
just six weeks ago, even allowed children to ride on his
back as he put on a display for them, showing he is the same
playful orca in real life as on screen.

Keiko showed up in western Norway after swimming some 1,400
km (870 miles) from an Icelandic sea pen following his
release in July. He was spotted in the fjord Sunday by two
12-year-olds fishing in a small rowboat.

"After the children spotted him, he popped up just a meter
(yard) away from the boat. At first, we got scared and sped
up to get to land, but then we realized he just wanted to
play," Arild Birger Neshaug, 35, father of one of the
children, told Reuters Tuesday.

Keiko was captured near Iceland as a young calf and
performed in marine amusement parks in Canada and Mexico for
almost 20 years.

He was returned to Iceland in 1998 after people saw him as
the captive whale in the 1993 movie "Free Willy" and
campaigned for him to go home. Millions of dollars have
since been spent on preparing him for life in the wild.

"He swam alongside and under our boat all the way to land
and stayed with us in the harbor all day and all night,"
said Neshaug. "It seemed like he was seeking human contact."

Neshaug said his children and their friends later swam with
and petted Keiko and even climbed on his back. At night, he
said the family could hear the whale breathing in the
Skaalvik fjord just outside their holiday home.

He said although he had heard stories about killer whale
attacks he was not worried about his children's safety
because Keiko "seemed so trusting and kind."

A monitoring team, which has tracked Keiko since he left
Iceland, confirmed the whale was the "Free Willy" star.

Norway is among a handful of countries that hunts whales,
however, it only kills the minke whale.

- from Jay Pocius

--
Did You Know?

o Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray
blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're
there.
o Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at
least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
o The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a
substitute for blood plasma.
o No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
o Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
(Mumf query: from what we've learned lately about Iraq and
Afghanistan, do you think it's because they don't have cars?
I mean, think of all the accidents they must have -- no turn
signals, no tail lights!)
o You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television. (Mumf note: not if you watch those late night
shows... can you say, "whacka whacka whacka"? I knew you
could!)
o Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years
of age or older. (Mumf note: Mark, let's kill that old
bastard in the back yard!)
o The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
o A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright
brother's first flight.
o Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
o Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.
o Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
o Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than
all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. (Mumf
note: well, DUHH! he's better at basketball!)
o Pearls melt in vinegar.
o The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro,
Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
o A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why. (Mumf
note: my brother, Check, knows why -- he's just not
tellin'!)
o Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Now, you know everything there is to know.

- from Gary Savage

--
http://www3.quantumlynx.com/barontech/list/sayit.swf

++
Recent research shows that there are five kinds of sex.

The first kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you
are blue in the face.

The second kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny
you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The third kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten
routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.

The fourth kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for too long. When you pass each
other in the hallway you both say "Fuck You".

The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you
cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.

++
Inside me, there's a thin woman trying to get out... but I
can usually shut the Bitch up with chocolate.

- from Corrine Garneau

--
BUMPER STICKERS

 1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an
asshole.
 2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
 3. The proctologist called -- they found your head.
 4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have
film.
 5. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.
 6. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
 7. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
 8. Hang up and drive.
 9. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue
you!
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal
Friends.
11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be
out by itself.
12. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
13. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have
to be one.

AND THE BEST ONE:

14. Welcome to America... Now speak English.

- from Jay Pocius

--
www.dancingbush.com/

- from Sara "I Wish it was Cool in Arizona" Fleming

--
Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married
next month. My fiancé's mother is not only very attractive
but really great and understanding. She is putting the
entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go
over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond
what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it
down to just under a hundred... then she floored me. She
said that in a month I would be a married man and that
before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then
she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way
said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to
leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided
that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I
headed straight out the front door...

... And, there, leaning against my car was her husband, my
father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they
just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to
their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me
on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancé what her parents did, and that
I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to
my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself
including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my
car was to get a condom?

- from Kevin "I Also Don't Play Pool Anymore" Haggerty

--
(Mumf note: this one is dedicated to my sister-in-law -- no,
not my wife; I live with her!)

A guy went into a store and told the clerk, "I'd like some
Polish sausage."

"Are you Polish?" asked the clerk.

"Well, yes I am." The guy was clearly offended. He went on.
"But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian
sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked
for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or
if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

"Well, no," politely replied the clerk.

"Well, all right then," the guy insisted with deep
self-righteous indignation, "so why did you ask me if I'm
Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

"Because this is Home Depot," gently explained the clerk.

- submitted by Carol Bagshaw
Mumf note: another classic!)

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of
property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris
dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no
permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity
is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the
dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing
debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that
dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be
permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and
desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than January
31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been
completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be
scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request
or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result
in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office
if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division


This is the actual response sent back:

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm
County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me
to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of
beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across
the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay
for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think
they would be highly offended that you call their skillful
use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to
challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I
can safely state there is no way you could ever match their
dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware
that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the
start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you
require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request? If you are not discriminating against these
particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act,
I request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the
beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond
Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for
said representation-so the State will have to provide them
with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that
either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain
event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural
occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If
you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest
them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam
letter they being unable to read English. In my humble
opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights
than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department
of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up
to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case
can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right
now. Why wait until 1/31/2002?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to
bring to your attention to a real environmental quality
(health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are
actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the
beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver
dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they
dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am
sending this response to your dam office.

++
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some
items on the table in front of him. When the class began,
wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2" in
diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of
course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They
agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students
responded with a unanimous "Yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the
table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the
jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want
you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The
rocks are the important things - your family, your partner,
your health, and your children - things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would still
be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter - like your
job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else.
The small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same
goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on
the small stuff, you will never have room for the things
that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that
are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out
dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the
house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the
beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life
may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

- from Chris Helin

--
INTERNET woman: woman is difficult to access.

SERVER woman: always busy when you need her.

WINDOWS woman: everyone knows that she can't do a thing
right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman: they say that she can do a lot of things but
you mostly use her for your basic needs.

DOS woman: everyone had her at least once, but no one wants
her anymore.

VIRUS woman: also known as 'wife'; when you are not
expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your
resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose
something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose
everything.

SCREENSAVER woman: she is not worth for anything, but at
least she is fun!

RAM woman: she forgets everything you say when you
disconnect her.

HARD DISK woman (AKA "WIFE"): she remembers everything,
FOREVER!

MULTIMEDIA woman: she makes horrible things look beautiful.

USER woman: she messes up everything she does and she asks
always more than she needs.

CD-ROM woman: she is always faster and faster.

e-MAIL woman: every ten things she says, eight are bullshit.

- from Srinivas "FUCK SRINI!!!" Yalavarthy

--
Why Athletes Don't Have Real Jobs:

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I
wan' all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the
upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards,
whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run
over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of
the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear
earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it
takes." (now that is beautiful)

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys
line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out
smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so
when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training
regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up
at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it
is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if
I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his
IQ ever hit room temperature in January?)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son,
looks to me like you're spending too much time on one
subject."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked
by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss
good-bye."

- from Chris Strangio

--
(Mumf note: word is that the following incident happened at
a recent Mary Kay Cosmetics convention...)

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a
question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is
as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in
room 1221."