[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Wed, 4 Sep 2002 17:52:21 -0400

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These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is
given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market
this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of
course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

 1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign
"Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.
It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish
translation read "Are you lactating?"

 2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish,
where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

 3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux."

 4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron,
into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for
manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

 5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they
used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby
on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since
many people can't read.

 6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue,
the name of a notorious porno magazine.

 7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for
the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead
of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the
Potato" (la papa).

 8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation"
translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the
Grave" in Chinese.

 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as
"Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse
stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent
"kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to
make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it
takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its
ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your
pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word
"embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad
read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new
leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it
translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which
meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

- submitted by Kevin Haggerty

--
(Mumf note: I'd drive ahunnert miles to get me some uh dat
sheephead fish!)

We are about to blow a golden opportunity here.

I'm talking about the Northern Snakeheads, which sounds like
the name of a rock band that eats live hamsters on stage,
but is actually a type of fish.

But this is not just any fish. The Northern Snakehead is a
very special fish -- what marine biologists refer to,
technically, as ''an X-Files type of fish.'' Here are some
true Northern Snakehead facts that I am not making up:

FACT: It has a snakelike head filled with sharp teeth, is an
extremely aggressive eater, and can grow to be three feet
long.

FACT: It can use its fins to crawl on land.

FACT: It can breathe air, and survive out of water for three
days -- nearly two days longer than Michael Jackson!

FACT: Its home stomping grounds are northern Thailand and
Myanmar, where, according to an article from Reuters, people
believe that "a Snakehead fish is a reincarnated sinner."

FACT: A lot of us seriously question whether there is any
such place as "Myanmar."

FACT: Likewise "Reuters."

But there is no question that the Northern Snakehead exists,
because it has invaded the United States. You may have seen
the news reports about the discovery of juvenile Northern
Snakeheads (we know they are juveniles, because they wear
their hats backward) in a pond in Maryland.

DISCUSSION QUESTION: What is the deal with Maryland? Wasn't
Maryland also the location of the Blair Witch Project
tragedy, in which a group of annoying, yet somehow
irritating, young filmmakers got lost in the woods and
filmed themselves wandering around getting whacked by an
evil supernatural hag who soon had the complete support of
the movie audience?

But be that as it may -- and, like you, I have NO idea what
that phrase actually means -- the fact remains that the
Northern Snakehead is on the loose in this country. This has
wildlife officials very concerned, because the Northern
Snakehead is sometimes called "the male college student of
the marine community" -- eating everything in its path and
then moving on to the next food source, leaving only
devastation behind.

As The Washington Post put it, the Northern Snakehead "can
make short work of a pondful of sunfish, crappies and
pickerel -- and then shimmy on to other ponds on its
belly and fins."

DISCUSSION QUESTION: "crappies?"

So anyway, Maryland wildlife officials are desperately
trying to kill off the Northern Snakeheads. The Bush
administration has also gotten involved, issuing a ban that
prohibits Northern Snakeheads from entering the country, or,
if they are already here, from exercising stock options.

So it looks as though the wildlife authorities will
eradicate this dangerous pest. On behalf of all Americans, I
say to these officials: Are you CRAZY?? You're blowing the
perfect chance to inject some excitement into the "sport" of
fishing, which has degenerated into a pathetically unfair
competition:

. ON THE ONE SIDE, you have the most advanced species on
earth (humans), equipped with graphite rods, alloy reels,
computer-designed lures, chemically enhanced baits,
copolymer line, sonar fish locators and vests with upward of
50 Velcro-flapped pockets.

. ON THE OTHER SIDE, you have: "crappies."

Is that fair? A guy with thousands of dollars worth of
high-tech equipment against a worm-eating creature with the
IQ of broccoli?

Listen, wildlife authorities: Instead of DESTROYING the
Northern Snakehead, we should IMPROVE it. We need a
Snakehead Enhancement Project, in which these fish are
genetically mutated via exposure to radiation, toxic waste
and Mountain Dew. We need to develop a Snakehead that is
bigger, meaner, toothier, and -- above all -- faster.

Think what this would do for the sport of fishing! You know
those TV fishing shows, the ones starring smug, chunky men
who act as though it's a big exciting deal when they win a
"fight" with a bass that weighs less than any given one of
their tobacco wads?

Well, imagine tuning in to one of these shows and seeing one
of these guys sprinting desperately away from the water,
waders flapping, pursued by a hungry, ticked-off, amphibious
eating machine with a mouth like a grand piano, the soul of
a reincarnated sinner (Mumf note: great descriptor! almost
as good as "the wrinkled avenger") and a cruising speed, on
land, of 45 miles per hour.

That's right: It's time to even the scales (har)! It's time
these fishermen had to play some DEFENSE! If you agree with
me, please gather up as much cash as you can humanly stuff
into an envelope and send it to: Snakehead Enhancement
Project, c/o me. I will personally see to it that all of the
money, every single nickel of it, gets spent. Please act
now, before somebody else has this idea. Do it for
sportsmanship. Do it for conservation. And above all do it
because, if you don't, the witch will get you.
 --Dave Barry

- submitted by Sandy Fraser

--
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an
experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of
whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher
putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water
writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second
worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
teacher asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and
wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

- submitted by Sue Greene

--

------=_NextPart_000_000F_01C2543B.D1675910
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<DIV>These are the=20
nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the =
GM's=20
fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No =
va"=20
means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go". &nbsp;1. The =
Dairy=20
Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted =
them to=20
expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention =
the=20
Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" &nbsp;2. Coors =
put its=20
slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer =
From=20
Diarrhea." &nbsp;3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux =
used=20
the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like=20
an Electrolux." &nbsp;4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," =
a=20
curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang=20
for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure=20
Stick." &nbsp;5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, =

they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling =
baby on the=20
label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put =
pictures on=20
the labels of what's inside, since many people can't =
read. &nbsp;6.=20
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a =
notorious=20
porno magazine. &nbsp;7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami =
printed=20
shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. =
Instead of=20
"I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la=20
papa). &nbsp;8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi=20
Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From=20
the Grave" in Chinese. &nbsp;9. The Coca-Cola name in China =
was first=20
read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female=20
horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke =
then researched=20
40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", =
translating=20
into "happiness in the mouth." 10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, =
"It=20
takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into =
Spanish as=20
"it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 11. =
When=20
Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed =
to have=20
read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company =
thought=20
that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the=20
ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you =
pregnant!" 12.=20
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first =
class seats=20
in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign =
literally,=20
which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish! - =
submitted by=20
Kevin Haggerty -- (Mumf note: I'd drive ahunnert miles to get =
me some=20
uh dat sheephead fish!) We are about to blow a golden =
opportunity=20
here. I'm talking about the Northern Snakeheads, which sounds =
like the=20
name of a rock band that eats live hamsters on stage, but is actually =
a type=20
of fish. But this is not just any fish. The Northern Snakehead is =

a very special fish -- what marine biologists refer =
to, technically, as=20
''an X-Files type of fish.'' Here are some true Northern Snakehead =
facts that=20
I am not making up: FACT: It has a snakelike head filled with =
sharp=20
teeth, is an extremely aggressive eater, and can grow to be three=20
feet long. FACT: It can use its fins to crawl on =
land. FACT: It=20
can breathe air, and survive out of water for three days -- nearly =
two days=20
longer than Michael Jackson! FACT: Its home stomping grounds are =
northern=20
Thailand and Myanmar, where, according to an article from Reuters,=20
people believe that "a Snakehead fish is a reincarnated =
sinner." FACT:=20
A lot of us seriously question whether there is any such place as=20
"Myanmar." FACT: Likewise "Reuters." But there is no =
question that=20
the Northern Snakehead exists, because it has invaded the United =
States. You=20
may have seen the news reports about the discovery of juvenile=20
Northern Snakeheads (we know they are juveniles, because they =
wear their=20
hats backward) in a pond in Maryland. DISCUSSION QUESTION: What =
is the=20
deal with Maryland? Wasn't Maryland also the location of the Blair =
Witch=20
Project tragedy, in which a group of annoying, yet =
somehow irritating,=20
young filmmakers got lost in the woods and filmed themselves =
wandering around=20
getting whacked by an evil supernatural hag who soon had the complete =
support=20
of the movie audience? But be that as it may -- and, like you, =
I have=20
NO idea what that phrase actually means -- the fact remains that=20
the Northern Snakehead is on the loose in this country. This =
has wildlife=20
officials very concerned, because the Northern Snakehead is sometimes =
called=20
"the male college student of the marine community" -- eating =
everything in=20
its path and then moving on to the next food source, leaving=20
only devastation behind. As The Washington Post put it, the =
Northern=20
Snakehead "can make short work of a pondful of sunfish, crappies=20
and pickerel -- and then shimmy on to other ponds on its belly and =

fins." DISCUSSION QUESTION: "crappies?" So anyway, =
Maryland=20
wildlife officials are desperately trying to kill off the Northern=20
Snakeheads. The Bush administration has also gotten involved, issuing =
a ban=20
that prohibits Northern Snakeheads from entering the country, =
or, if they=20
are already here, from exercising stock options. So it looks as =
though=20
the wildlife authorities will eradicate this dangerous pest. On =
behalf of all=20
Americans, I say to these officials: Are you CRAZY?? You're blowing=20
the perfect chance to inject some excitement into the "sport" =
of fishing,=20
which has degenerated into a pathetically =
unfair competition: . ON THE=20
ONE SIDE, you have the most advanced species on earth (humans), =
equipped with=20
graphite rods, alloy reels, computer-designed lures, chemically =
enhanced=20
baits, copolymer line, sonar fish locators and vests with upward =
of 50=20
Velcro-flapped pockets. . ON THE OTHER SIDE, you have:=20
"crappies." Is that fair? A guy with thousands of dollars worth=20
of high-tech equipment against a worm-eating creature with the IQ =
of=20
broccoli? Listen, wildlife authorities: Instead of DESTROYING=20
the Northern Snakehead, we should IMPROVE it. We need a Snakehead=20
Enhancement Project, in which these fish are genetically mutated via =
exposure=20
to radiation, toxic waste and Mountain Dew. We need to develop a =
Snakehead=20
that is bigger, meaner, toothier, and -- above all -- =
faster. Think=20
what this would do for the sport of fishing! You know those TV =
fishing shows,=20
the ones starring smug, chunky men who act as though it's a big =
exciting deal=20
when they win a "fight" with a bass that weighs less than any given =
one=20
of their tobacco wads? Well, imagine tuning in to one of these =
shows=20
and seeing one of these guys sprinting desperately away from the=20
water, waders flapping, pursued by a hungry, ticked-off, =
amphibious eating=20
machine with a mouth like a grand piano, the soul of a reincarnated =
sinner=20
(Mumf note: great descriptor! almost as good as "the wrinkled =
avenger") and a=20
cruising speed, on land, of 45 miles per hour. That's right: =
It's time=20
to even the scales (har)! It's time these fishermen had to play some =
DEFENSE!=20
If you agree with me, please gather up as much cash as you can =
humanly=20
stuff into an envelope and send it to: Snakehead =
Enhancement Project, c/o=20
me. I will personally see to it that all of the money, every single =
nickel of=20
it, gets spent. Please act now, before somebody else has this idea. =
Do it=20
for sportsmanship. Do it for conservation. And above all do =
it because, if=20
you don't, the witch will get you. &nbsp;--Dave Barry - =
submitted by=20
Sandy Fraser -- A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th =
grade=20
class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced =
an experiment=20
that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two=20
worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the=20
teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the =
water writhed=20
about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put =
into the=20
whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead =
as a door=20
nail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?"=20
the teacher asked. Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, =
raised his=20
hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get =
worms." -=20
submitted by Sue Greene -- </DIV></BODY></HTML>

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