[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Fri, 6 Sep 2002 11:54:41 -0400

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(Mumf note: the first one is some ground breaking news from
Fred Frost!)

LONDON, Aug 19 - Want to be more attractive? Then make sure
those around you are having a drink.

British scientists have found even modest amounts of alcohol
will make the opposite sex appear better-looking. "We have
carried out experiments which show that what is known in
the trade as the 'beer-goggle effect' does actually exist,"
Barry Jones, professor of psychology at Glasgow University,
told Reuters on Monday.

The study of 120 male and female students found drinking up
to four units of alcohol - about two pints (one litre) of
beer or four glasses of wine - increased the perceived
attractiveness of members of the opposite sex by about 25
percent.

Jones said alcohol apparently stimulates a part of the brain
called the nucleus accumbens, which judges facial
attractiveness. "There is a strong link between facial
attractiveness and signals about the quality of a potential
mate," Jones said.

The professor said the study had been prompted by the causal
link between risky sex and alcohol consumption. Its findings
come at a time when young Britons are increasingly binge
drinking, which has serious health risks.

- submitted by Fred "I've Never Gone to Bed with an Ugly
Women, but Have Certainly Woke Up with a Few" Frost

--
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His
wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have
dropped out of high school to hang around with the local
toughs.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily
passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells
him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour.
Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in
the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the
forms and advise you when to start and where to report on
your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has
neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the
manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like
ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an
e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a
high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market
and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of beautiful red
tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and
displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process
several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and
arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for
his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business
the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early
every day and working into the night. He multiplies his
profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart
to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, and before
a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup
truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks.

His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him
with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes,
and his daughter is taking night courses at the community
college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used
trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all
selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet
of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises,
plus two tomato farms that his sons manage. The tomato
company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless
people to work. His daughter reports that the business has
grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life
insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an
insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the
adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the
final documents electronically. When the man replies that he
doesn't have time to mess with a computer, and has no e-mail
address, the insurance man is stunned. "What, you don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would
be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I
would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an
hour."

Which brings us to the moral: Since you got this story by
e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a
millionaire. Sadly, I received it also.

- submitted by Ron Nichols

--
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be
across the field,"

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream
and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked.
"I told you to be quiet,"

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed
down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed
over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when
the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started
itching.

"But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and
said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?', well,
I guess I just panicked."

- submitted by Carol Bagshaw

--
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when
two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she
tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their
testicles.

"The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and
when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own
special way," said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.
"Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid
the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could
be, 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'"

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost
both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened
fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and
former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger (Mumf note: I LOVE that phrase: "The
wrinkled avenger..." -- it sounds like a new super hero for
the geriatric contingent!) also blew Thomas' testicles to
kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis,
police said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood,
but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way
he used to," Detective Delp told reporters. "Both men are
still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to
be alive after what they've been through."

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her
granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad
daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town
bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's
face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go
out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law
would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker.
"And I wasn't scared of them, either - because I've got me a
gun and I've been shootin' all my life."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and
Debbie's description of the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent
seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the
crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists
entering their flophouse hotel. "I knew it was them the
minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and
took it back to Debbie and she confirmed it was them," the
oldster recalled.

"So I went back to that hotel and found their room and
knocked on the door - and the minute the big one, Furth,
opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs,
right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I
went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to
me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and
turned myself in."

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to
deal with the vigilante granny. "What she did was wrong, and
she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an
81-year-old woman in prison," Det. Delp said, "Especially
when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for
sainthood and a medal."

- submitted by Kenny Taylor

--
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking lady sitting
on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it
going?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my
place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding, what law firm do you work for?"

- submitted by Jim Turner

--

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<DIV>(Mumf note: the=20
first one is some ground breaking news from Fred =
Frost!) LONDON, Aug=20
19 - Want to be more attractive? Then make sure those around you are =
having a=20
drink. British scientists have found even modest amounts of=20
alcohol will make the opposite sex appear better-looking. "We =
have carried=20
out experiments which show that what is known in the trade as the=20
'beer-goggle effect' does actually exist," Barry Jones, professor of=20
psychology at Glasgow University, told Reuters on Monday. The =
study of=20
120 male and female students found drinking up to four units of =
alcohol -=20
about two pints (one litre) of beer or four glasses of wine - =
increased the=20
perceived attractiveness of members of the opposite sex by about=20
25 percent. Jones said alcohol apparently stimulates a part of =
the=20
brain called the nucleus accumbens, which judges =
facial attractiveness.=20
"There is a strong link between facial attractiveness and signals =
about the=20
quality of a potential mate," Jones said. The professor said =
the study=20
had been prompted by the causal link between risky sex and alcohol=20
consumption. Its findings come at a time when young Britons are =
increasingly=20
binge drinking, which has serious health risks. - submitted by =
Fred=20
"I've Never Gone to Bed with an Ugly Women, but Have Certainly Woke =
Up with a=20
Few" Frost -- An unemployed man is desperate to support his =
family.=20
His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids =
have dropped out of=20
high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies =
for a=20
janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The =
human=20
resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of =
$5.15 an=20
hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you =
in the loop.=20
Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you =
when to=20
start and where to report on your first day." Taken aback, the =
man=20
protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail =
address. To=20
this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company =
like ours=20
that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address =
you can=20
hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good =
day." Stunned,=20
the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his =
wallet, he=20
walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of=20
beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner=20
and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all =
the tomatoes=20
and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that =
day, he=20
ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several =
bags of=20
groceries for his family. During the night he decides to =
repeat the=20
tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up =

early every day and working into the night. He multiplies =
his profits=20
quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport =
several=20
boxes of tomatoes at a time, and before a month is up he sells the =
cart to=20
buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three =
old=20
trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help=20
him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and =
his=20
daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can =
keep=20
books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very =
nice=20
used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, =
all selling=20
tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end =
of the=20
fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his =
wife=20
supervises, plus two tomato farms that his sons manage. The=20
tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and =
jobless people=20
to work. His daughter reports that the business has grossed a million =

dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some=20
life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks=20
an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser =
asks him=20
for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents =
electronically.=20
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a =
computer, and=20
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned. "What, you don't =

have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you =
would be today=20
if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. =
"If I'd=20
had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and =
making=20
$5.15 an hour." Which brings us to the moral: Since you got =
this story=20
by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than =
a millionaire.=20
Sadly, I received it also. - submitted by Ron =
Nichols -- A=20
father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father =
said,=20
"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field," A few =
minutes=20
later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his =
son.=20
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be =
quiet," The son=20
answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. =
I was=20
quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle =
when the=20
skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath=20
when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the =
gnat. I didn't=20
cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. "But when =
the two=20
chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here =
or take=20
them with us?', well, I guess I just panicked." - submitted by =
Carol=20
Bagshaw -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so =
ticked-off=20
when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that =
she tracked the=20
unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their testicles. "The =
old lady=20
spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she =
took=20
revenge on them in her own special way," said Melbourne police =
investigator=20
Evan Delp. "Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, =
laid the=20
gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be, 'Those =
bastards=20
will never rape anybody again, by God.'" Cops say convicted =
rapist and=20
robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when =
outraged=20
Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he =
and former=20
prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled =
avenger=20
(Mumf note: I LOVE that phrase: "The wrinkled avenger..." -- it =
sounds like a=20
new super hero for the geriatric contingent!) also blew Thomas' =
testicles=20
to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled =
penis, police=20
said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I =
talked=20
to said he won't be using it the way he used to," Detective Delp told =

reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think =
they're just=20
happy to be alive after what they've been through." The Rambo =
Granny=20
swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was =
carjacked and=20
raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of=20
town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my =
Debbie's face that=20
night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those =
bastards=20
myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the =
retired=20
library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either - because I've =
got me=20
a gun and I've been shootin' all my life." So, using a police =
artist's=20
sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos, =
tough-as-nails=20
Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where=20
the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated =
rapists entering their=20
flophouse hotel. "I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot =
a=20
picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she confirmed it =
was=20
them," the oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and =
found=20
their room and knocked on the door - and the minute the big one,=20
Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the =
legs, right=20
where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and =
shot the=20
other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went =
down to=20
the police station and turned myself in." Now, baffled lawmen =
are=20
trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. =
"What she=20
did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw=20
an 81-year-old woman in prison," Det. Delp said, "Especially when =
3=20
million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a=20
medal." - submitted by Kenny Taylor -- A man walks into =
a bar.=20
He sees a good-looking lady sitting on a stool. He walks up to her =
and says,=20
"Hi there, how's it going?" She turns to him, looks him =
straight in=20
the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your =
place,=20
my place, it doesn't matter." He says, "No kidding, what law =
firm do=20
you work for?" - submitted by Jim=20
Turner -- </DIV></BODY></HTML>

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