[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Wed, 18 Sep 2002 12:28:01 -0400

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(Mumf note: I know you don't want to hear it, but I've been
busy catching up from vacation! Sorry, damn it!!)

A man receives a free ticket to a Georgia game from his
company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he
realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the
stadium.......he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the
field! About halfway through the first quarter he notices an
empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the
stadium around the security guards to the empty seat. As he
sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man replies "No".

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is
incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like
this at a Georgia game and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I
was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This
is the first Georgia game we haven't been to together since
we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

++
Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them
to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m. ( ! ) but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal,
eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,
beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But
tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on
"route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him
different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox
at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride
back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is
like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The
bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And
it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All
you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son, Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for the barn
roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very
good. - Z.

++
TOILET WISDOM
-------------

1. Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.

2. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are
you?"
--- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

3. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick
and tired of putting up with her crap.
---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North
Carolina

4. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

5. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

6. No wonder you always go home alone.
---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills, CA

7. Beauty is only a light switch away.
--- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North
Carolina.

8. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff,
Arizona.

9. If voting could really change things, it would be
illegal.
--- Revolution Books, New York, New York

10. Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal.
It makes them soggy and hard to light.
---The Janitor

11. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in
your hands.
---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

- submitted by Carol Bagshaw

--
Planning for the fall football season in the South is
radically different from up north. For those who are
planning a football trip south, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: chopstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front
pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof
mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary -
that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass
interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie & Payton Manning

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket
office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket
office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the
game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't
want to see the few hungover students that might actually
make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the
campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on
Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful
arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on
TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and
rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to
get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why
"Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening
to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.
Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews'
Band," who come over during breaks and asked for a hit off
bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you
walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it
becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with
soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's
mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure
enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of
them stand up. (Mumf note: I agree with the earlier ones,
but this one isn't true!)
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect
four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
North: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight
song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his
team. (Mumf note: like listening to Derek Sanderson doing
color (or should I say "African Amer..") at a Boston Bruins
hockey game)

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While
somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon,
planning begins for next week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the
glories of Southern football . . .

- submitted by Sue Greene

--
WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She
asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

_________________________________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later.... "Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
water?"

________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out
and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter
says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big pussy."

_________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to
get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in
her tummy"

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three
plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do
it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

- submitted by Rob Brucato (Mumf note: yes, the same Rob
Brucato that has sent all the other off-color (should I be
saying "off-African American"?, err.. I digress) submissions
in the past -- my guess: he has a girl friend!)

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