[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Wed, 18 Sep 2002 15:27:08 -0400

I assume to do mean outlook and not outlook express, what is happening is I am converting the picture attachment to a text
attachment and replacing it with a url, are you seeing the web address and is it clickable?

MJM
----- Original Message -----
From: "Gardner, Douglas L. (LNG)" <douglas.gardner@lexisnexis.com>
To: "'The Rhodes 22 mail list'" <rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org>
Sent: Wednesday, September 18, 2002 3:10 PM
Subject: RE: [Rhodes22-list] jokes

> Rik, MJM, etc...
>
>   I can't see it either.  MS Outlook 2000 SR-1 on Win 2k.  Also running IE
> 5.
>
> I had two text attachments instead of pics.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Rik Sandberg [mailto:racerrik@rea-alp.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, September 18, 2002 3:16 PM
> To: The Rhodes 22 mail list
> Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] jokes
>
>
> Joe,
>
> You mean you can't see this picture??? Suppose we better find out what
> software (email, browser) you are using.
>
> Rik
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Ware, Joseph W." <joseph_ware@merck.com>
> To: "'The Rhodes 22 mail list'" <rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org>
> Sent: Wednesday, September 18, 2002 12:48 PM
> Subject: RE: [Rhodes22-list] jokes
>
>
> > Michael,  While others were receiving text instead of jpeg pictures, I
> > actually got the pictures as attachments.  Now I get text?  Any ideas?
> >
> > Joe
> > S/V Whisper
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: Michael Meltzer [mailto:mjm@michaelmeltzer.com]
> > Sent: Wednesday, September 18, 2002 12:28 PM
> > To: rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
> > Subject: [Rhodes22-list] jokes
> >
> >
> > (Mumf note: I know you don't want to hear it, but I've been
> > busy catching up from vacation! Sorry, damn it!!)
> >
> > A man receives a free ticket to a Georgia game from his
> > company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he
> > realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the
> > stadium.......he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the
> > field! About halfway through the first quarter he notices an
> > empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.
> > He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the
> > stadium around the security guards to the empty seat. As he
> > sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
> > "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
> >
> > The man replies "No".
> >
> > Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
> > he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is
> > incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like
> > this at a Georgia game and not use it?"
> >
> > The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I
> > was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This
> > is the first Georgia game we haven't been to together since
> > we got married in 1967."
> >
> > "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find
> > someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
> >
> > "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
> >
> > ++
> > Dear Ma and Pa:
> >
> > Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
> > the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them
> > to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
> >
> > I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
> > nearly 6 a.m. ( ! ) but am getting so I like to sleep late.
> > Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
> > your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to
> > pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
> > nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
> >
> > Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal,
> > eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,
> > beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But
> > tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys
> > that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
> > noon, when you get fed.
> >
> > It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on
> > "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to
> > harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him
> > different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox
> > at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride
> > back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
> >
> > The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is
> > like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and
> > frown. They don't bother you none.
> >
> > This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
> > getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The
> > bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And
> > it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All
> > you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
> > don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
> >
> > Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
> > other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
> >
> > Your loving son, Zeb
> >
> > P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for the barn
> > roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very
> > good. - Z.
> >
> > ++
> > TOILET WISDOM
> > -------------
> >
> > 1. Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
> > ----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
> >
> > 2. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are
> > you?"
> > --- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
> >
> > 3. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick
> > and tired of putting up with her crap.
> > ---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North
> > Carolina
> >
> > 4. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
> > ---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
> >
> > 5. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
> > you're going to have trouble with it.
> > ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
> >
> > 6. No wonder you always go home alone.
> > ---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
> > Hills, CA
> >
> > 7. Beauty is only a light switch away.
> > --- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North
> > Carolina.
> >
> > 8. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
> > anywhere.
> > ---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff,
> > Arizona.
> >
> > 9. If voting could really change things, it would be
> > illegal.
> > --- Revolution Books, New York, New York
> >
> > 10. Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal.
> > It makes them soggy and hard to light.
> > ---The Janitor
> >
> > 11. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in
> > your hands.
> > ---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
> >
> > - submitted by Carol Bagshaw
> >
> > --
> > Planning for the fall football season in the South is
> > radically different from up north. For those who are
> > planning a football trip south, here are some helpful hints.
> >
> > Women's Accessories:
> > NORTH: chopstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front
> > pocket.
> > SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof
> > mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary -
> > that's what dates are for.
> >
> > Stadium Size:
> > NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
> > SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
> >
> > Fathers:
> > NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
> > SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass
> > interference.
> >
> > Campus Decor:
> > NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
> > SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
> >
> > Homecoming Queen:
> > NORTH: Also a physics major.
> > SOUTH: Also Miss America.
> >
> > Heroes:
> > NORTH: Rudy Guliani
> > SOUTH: Archie & Payton Manning
> >
> > Getting Tickets:
> > NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket
> > office on campus and purchase tickets.
> > SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket
> > office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
> >
> > Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
> > NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the
> > game, because they have classes on Friday.
> > SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't
> > want to see the few hungover students that might actually
> > make it to class.
> >
> > Parking:
> > NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the
> > campus for game parking.
> > SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on
> > Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful
> > arrive on Tuesday.
> >
> > Game Day:
> > NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on
> > TV.
> > SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and
> > rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to
> > get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why
> > "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
> >
> > Tailgating:
> > NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening
> > to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
> > SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.
> > Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews'
> > Band," who come over during breaks and asked for a hit off
> > bottle of bourbon.
> >
> > Getting to the Stadium:
> > NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you
> > walk right in.
> > SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it
> > becomes the state's third largest city.
> >
> > Concessions:
> > NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with
> > soda.
> > SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's
> > mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure
> > enough room for bourbon.
> >
> > When National Anthem is Played:
> > NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of
> > them stand up. (Mumf note: I agree with the earlier ones,
> > but this one isn't true!)
> > SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect
> > four-part harmony.
> >
> > The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
> > NORTH: Nothing changes.
> > SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
> >
> > Commentary (Male):
> > North: "Nice play."
> > SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
> > legs."
> >
> > Commentary (Female):
> > NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
> > SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
> > legs."
> >
> > Announcers:
> > NORTH: Neutral and paid.
> > SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight
> > song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his
> > team. (Mumf note: like listening to Derek Sanderson doing
> > color (or should I say "African Amer..") at a Boston Bruins
> > hockey game)
> >
> > After the Game:
> > NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
> > SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While
> > somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon,
> > planning begins for next week's game.
> >
> > Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the
> > glories of Southern football . . .
> >
> > - submitted by Sue Greene
> >
> > --
> > WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN:
> >
> > A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She
> > asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.
> >
> > "How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
> >
> > "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
> > answered the child innocently.
> >
> > "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> >
> > "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
> > went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
> >
> > _________________________________________________
> > A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
> > later.... "Da-ad...."
> >
> > "What?"
> >
> > "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
> >
> > "No. You had your chance. Lights out."
> >
> > Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
> >
> > "WHAT?"
> >
> > "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
> >
> > "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
> >
> > Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....."
> >
> > "WHAT!"
> >
> > "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
> > water?"
> >
> > ________________________________________________
> > An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
> > mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into
> > Heaven?"
> >
> > The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out
> > and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter
> > says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
> >
> > _________________________________________________
> > One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
> > was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the
> > light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
> > you sleep with me tonight?"
> >
> > The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
> > dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
> >
> > A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
> > "The big pussy."
> >
> > _________________________________________________
> > When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
> > year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to
> > get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
> >
> > I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in
> > her tummy"
> >
> > "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
> >
> > _________________________________________________
> > A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
> > himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three
> > plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
> >
> > His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
> > you doing?"
> >
> > The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
> >
> > "And this is how your teacher taught you to do
> > it?" the mother asked.
> >
> > "Yes," he answered.
> >
> > Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
> > are you teaching my son in math?"
> >
> > The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
> >
> > The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
> > two, that son of a bitch is four?"
> >
> > After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
> > taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
> >
> > - submitted by Rob Brucato (Mumf note: yes, the same Rob
> > Brucato that has sent all the other off-color (should I be
> > saying "off-African American"?, err.. I digress) submissions
> > in the past -- my guess: he has a girl friend!)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --------------------------------------------------------------------------
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