[Rhodes22-list] Southern Football

[Paul Grandholm]

Actually, I agree with this.  I've always said that the South has the 
best college football players money could buy.

Paul


>Planning for the fall football season in the South is
>radically different from up north. For those who are
>planning a football trip south, here are some helpful hints.
>
>Women's Accessories:
>NORTH: chopstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front
>pocket.
>SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof
>mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary -
>that's what dates are for.
>
>Stadium Size:
>NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
>SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
>
>Fathers:
>NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
>SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass
>interference.
>
>Campus Decor:
>NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
>SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
>
>Homecoming Queen:
>NORTH: Also a physics major.
>SOUTH: Also Miss America.
>
>Heroes:
>NORTH: Rudy Guliani
>SOUTH: Archie & Payton Manning
>
>Getting Tickets:
>NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket
>office on campus and purchase tickets.
>SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket
>office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
>
>Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
>NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the
>game, because they have classes on Friday.
>SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't
>want to see the few hungover students that might actually
>make it to class.
>
>Parking:
>NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the
>campus for game parking.
>SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on
>Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful
>arrive on Tuesday.
>
>Game Day:
>NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on
>TV.
>SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and
>rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to
>get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why
>"Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
>
>Tailgating:
>NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening
>to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
>SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.
>Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews'
>Band," who come over during breaks and asked for a hit off
>bottle of bourbon.
>
>Getting to the Stadium:
>NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you
>walk right in.
>SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it
>becomes the state's third largest city.
>
>Concessions:
>NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with
>soda.
>SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's
>mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure
>enough room for bourbon.
>
>When National Anthem is Played:
>NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of
>them stand up. (Mumf note: I agree with the earlier ones,
>but this one isn't true!)
>SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect
>four-part harmony.
>
>The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
>NORTH: Nothing changes.
>SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
>
>Commentary (Male):
>North: "Nice play."
>SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
>legs."
>
>Commentary (Female):
>NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
>SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
>legs."
>
>Announcers:
>NORTH: Neutral and paid.
>SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight
>song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his
>team. (Mumf note: like listening to Derek Sanderson doing
>color (or should I say "African Amer..") at a Boston Bruins
>hockey game)
>
>After the Game:
>NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
>SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While
>somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon,
>planning begins for next week's game.
>
>Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the
>glories of Southern football . . .


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Paul Grandholm
C&H Technology
GrandPower Components Div.
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