[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?" 

"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly. 

"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat. 

"Haven't got a girlfriend." 

"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile. "Buy both bunches to celebrate!" 

-- 
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to overseas as part of a peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. 

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" 

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." 

-- 
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. 

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" 

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" 

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?" 

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. 

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" 

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." 

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" 

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!" 
-- 
Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." 

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. 

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?" 

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check." 

After a while, he returned to the office and said, - "A long time. We're gonna build a house..." 

-- 
It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked for an exam booklet. 

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet. 
"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor's desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets. 

"No you don't, I am not going to accept that, It's late!" The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" 

"No, as a matter of fact, I don't," replied the professor sarcastically. 

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. 

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority. 

"Good!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room. 

-- 
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" 

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." 
-- 
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?" 

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train." 

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?" 

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there." 

-- 
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said. 

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said. 

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented. 

"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time." 

"How can you tell?" I asked. 

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow." 

--