[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it
ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360
gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder
why the ocean is so salty... Pass it on .......Don't swallow the water.

++
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the
call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place. Smack him again."

- from Sandy Fraser

--
"Just because our politicians shoot off their mouths like firecrackers,
doesn't mean there isn't support from up here." Mumf note: this statement
was made by our Canadian-cousin, John Raso - thanks for the support, John

And then, a little humor...

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like,
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and
coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off
my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade
soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe a microwave pizza or a tasty stir-fry
that would only take a couple of minutes?"

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry. "

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

- from John Raso

--
I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come
look at the hamster!"

Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,
you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears
were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know
Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two Hamsters - 10 bucks...
One Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!

- from Sue Greene

--
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it
is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son,
what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm
married!'"

- from Jimi Pocius

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