[Rhodes22-list] Headline News

[brad haslett]

U.S. Finds Iraq Contractor with No Political Ties 
(2003-04-19) -- The U.S. government has awarded a $7.9
Billion contract for the redevelopment of Iraq's oil
industry to the only company it could find that had no
political connections.

The White House, under pressure from Democrats to
avoid awarding bids to major campaign donors, located
the contractor in rural Howard, Pennsylvania.

Bob Yoder, of Howard, who runs a small engine repair
shop, salvage yard and "groundhog mitigation service",
said he would do his best to get Iraq's oil industry
"up and humming again."

Mr. Yoder has never contributed to any political
campaign and has never voted in an election. 

"Between the engine shop and shooting groundhogs, I
really don't have time for politics," said Mr. Yoder.
"My old lady and I are excited about this deal because
we've never flown in an airplane before."

....................................................

Dangerfield Out of ICU, Able to Stand-Up 
(2003-04-19) -- Comedian Rodney Dangerfield, who
underwent brain surgery this week, was moved from the
Intensive Care Unit yesterday because, according to
the 81-year-old comic, "the staff just didn't care
about me that much."

"Yeah, I got some doctor," he said. "I tell you, my
brain surgeon said he'd take 50 percent off my bill,
because there wasn't that much to work on. Some
doctor."

Mr. Dangerfield said being in the ICU was tough
competition because "everybody there dreams of doing
stand-up."

The two greatest challenges during his hospital stay
were getting some sleep, and getting a nurse to help
him go to the bathroom.

"There's no sleeping in the ICU," he said. "Are you
kidding me? These bells are ringing constantly. I had
no idea why. So I push the red button next to the bed,
and the Avon lady shows up. I tell you, I get no
respect...I bought two lipsticks and some gel. She
demanded a co-payment up front. Then she only gave me
the one lipstick. She said she didn't think I'd last
long enough to use two. She coulda got a job as an ICU
nurse. No respect at all."

Going to the bathroom was the worst part, he added.

"My nurse...only I would get such a nurse. I tell her
I have to use the bathroom. She says, 'Is it number
one, or number two?' I said, 'If you wait a minute,
I'll show you?'

Asked if he could resume his career following brain
surgery, Mr. Dangerfield said, "I got half a mind to
do it."

....................................................


2nd Saddam Half-Brother Caught, Total Now One 
(2003-04-18)-- U.S. Special Operations forces arrested
a second half-brother of Saddam Hussein yesterday. The
U.S. plans to combine him with another half-brother
caught recently and put them on trial as one entire
brother.

"It all adds up," said U.S. Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumsfeld. "A half-brother here, a half-brother
there, and soon you've got the pieces of an entire
crime family. By the way, we hope to find half of
Saddam Hussein as well."

Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti, arrested yesterday in
Baghdad was Iraq's chief of intelligence."It might be
hard to develop a case against him," said Mr.
Rumsfeld, "since we have little evidence that the
Iraqi regime was acting with any kind of intelligence.





...................................................


April 19, 2003 
With War Ending, France Loathing Index Reduced 
(2003-04-19) -- With hostilities in Iraq winding down,
the U.S. State Department has officially lowered the
France Loathing Index (FLI) to Disdain from
Abhorrence. The FLI serves as a convenient reminder to
U.S. citizens on the current state of Franco-American
relations.

Secretary of State Colin Powell said the lower FLI
level means, for example, that it's okay to order
French toast in a restaurant, but still advisable to
point to the item on the menu rather than request it
aloud.

"The lower FLI is based on a dropoff of so-called
'chatter' about France," said Mr. Powell. "If this
continues, Americans can look forward to another
reduction to the 2001 level of Shun. Of course, every
American gets nostalgic for the times when we didn't
give France a thought. It was just one of dozens of
countries where they don't talk right, and they eat
disgusting things."











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