[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home.  Not wanting  to miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.  After an hour's wait  she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

She looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice, but met with no success.

Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.

After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a beer.  The line at the concession stand was also very long.  But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait.  Just as she got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

Again the blonde tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice.  But no luck.  The blonde was very upset as she got back in line for her beer.

Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game to begin.  As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more.

Furious, she stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs, "My name isn't Linda!"

--
I am a very nervous flyer.   During a trip from California to Indiana. It didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems.  Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering.

I mentioned this to a flight attendant.  "I'll take care of it," she said.  Moments later the lights went out.  Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, lease don't ask about the engines."

--
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."

--
Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"

--
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" 

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." 

--
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. 

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine." 

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." 

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." 

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. 

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." 

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." 

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. 

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." 

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!" 

--