[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Thu Apr 24 18:48:42 EDT 2003

The last four Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., I...think I need a brain.! "

"DONE" says the Wizard.

"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE." There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?!?!"

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
"Today more al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners were flown to Guantanomo Bay in Cuba. On the plane they are bound, sedated and chained to their chairs -- or, as Continental calls it, coach."

Jay Leno. 

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"My only hope is when those terrorists get to Heaven, they meet up with the kind of virgins we had in Catholic school: Sister Mike Ditka from Our Mother of Eternal Retribution." 

Robin Williams. 

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"Counter-terrorism experts say that Osama bin Laden may be hiding secret messages on pornographic websites. You know what that means ... Clinton could find this guy before Bush." 

Jay Leno. 

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 "Bush is in Germany. A hundred thousand Germans are protesting because they don't like the idea of the U.S. expanding the war. Here's how it works: the Germans don't like any war that they don't start."

David Letterman. 

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"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" 

Robin Williams. 

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"After an exhaustive six-month investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here, okay? Hard to believe you were invaded, twice." 

Jay Leno. 

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"Some human rights groups are complaining that the al Qaeda detainees in Guantanamo Bay are being treated inhumanly. Oh please! They're in the Caribbean in January, okay? Add some goats and sheep to the place and they'd think it was Temptation Island." 

Jay Leno. 

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"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week and not a minute too soon: the French are acting as advisers to the remaining Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." 

Jay Leno. 

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"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word "peace." Right idea, wrong president." 

Jay Leno. 

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"According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced it would offset those costs by selling sponsorships, so the impending conflict will be named 'The Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq'." 

Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. 

 - from Patty Galvin

--
The other day, my nine-year-old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation.

My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window. He told him: "Son, stand there and tell me what you see?"

"I see trees and cars and our neighbors houses." he replied.

"OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush."

Our son giggled and said "OK."

"Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country." my husband said.

"OK Dad, I'm pretending."

"Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and see that man come out of his house with his wife and he has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and afraid of their father. You see all of this son....what do you do?"

"Dad?"

"What do you do son?!"

"I call the police, Dad."

"OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations and they take your call, listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then son?!"

"Dad, but the police are supposed to help!" My son starts to whine.

"They don't want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it," my husband says.

"But Dad.. he killed her!!" my son exclaims.

"I know he did...but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you're pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children."

"Daddy...he kills them?"

"Yes son, he does. What do you do?"

"Well, if the police don't want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him." our son says.

"Son, our next-door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him," my husband says.

"But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can't stop him by myself!!"

"WHAT DO YOU DO SON?" Our son starts to cry. "OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next son?"

"What Daddy?"

"He walks across the street to the old ladies house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then...he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in he window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?!!!"

"Daddy..."

"WHAT DO YOU DO?!!!"

Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, "I close the blinds, Daddy."

My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him... "Why?"

"Because Daddy.....the police are supposed to help...people who needs it.. and they won't help....You always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won't help either...they won't help me stop him...I'm afraid....I can't do it by myself...Daddy.....I can't look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and...and.....do nothing...so....I'm just going to close the blinds....so I can't see what he's doing........and I'm going to pretend that it is not happening."

I start to cry.

My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husbands questions and he tells him...."Son"

"Yes, Daddy."

"Open the blinds because that man....he's at your front door..."WHAT DO YOU DO?!!!!"

My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up this tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says: "I DEFEND MY FAMILY DAD!! I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!"

I see a tear roll down my husband's cheek and he grabs my son to his chest and hugs him tight, and cries..."It's too late to fight him, he's too strong and he's already at YOUR front door son.. you should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife. You have to do what's right, even if you  have to do it alone, before......it's too late." my husband whispers.

THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen is the greatest EVIL of all.

 - from Fred Frost

--
New Iraqi Towns

1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisbad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin

 - from Patty Galvin

--
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Texas soldier is better than ten Iraqi".

The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Texan is better than one hundred Iraqi."

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again: "One Texan is better than one thousand Iraqi."

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them."

 - from Jimi Pocius

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Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

 So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
MIDDLE EAST FAKE BOOK

(USE WHEN CAUGHT BETWEEN IRAQ AND A HARD PLACE)

HUSSEIN'S SORRY NOW?
OILY AUTUMN
KUWAIT TILL YOU SEE HER
EMIR BIST DU SCHON
IT'S SAUDI DUTY TIME
THIS SCUD BE THE START OF SOMETHING BIG
BLAME IT ON THE BASRA NOVA
THE AMMAN I LOVE
PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAGHDAD
SADDAM OF THESE DAYS
YASSIR, THAT'S MY BABY
MOON OVER MY ARMY
ALLAH BE AROUND
TANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
DAHRAN THAT DREAM
RUYADBIRD SUITE
OMAN THE RANGE
HERE'S THAT IRANI DAY
A SLEEPING B-52
LITTLE NILE
LONG AGO AND FAHD AWAY
FOR OIL WE KNOW
IN A MULLAH TONE
MARINE, (THE DAWN IS BREAKING)
I LOVE A BRIGADE
CAMEL-LOT
SHEIK TO SHEIK
P.L.O. YOUNG LOVERS WHEREVER YOU ARE
BEDOUIN THE BEGUINE
I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO HER FEZ
SADDAM, YOU'RE ROCKIN' THE BOAT
ARNETT YOU GLAD YOU'RE YOU
I CLOBBER THE WATERFRONT
THREE LITTLE KURDS
I WANT TO HOLD YOUR LAND
I CAN'T GET NO SAUDIS' FACTION
THESE FUELISH THINGS
CAIRO MUBAREK TO OLD VIRGINNY
ALEXANDRIA'S RAGTIME BAND

 - from Sandy "Caps Lock" Fraser

--
What follows is the text of a mythical presidential address that would be great to hear President Bush use sometime in the very near future. 

My fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable.

Our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries, which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your own problems. Need help? Call Germany.

On that note, here is a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel. No way, Jose. Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. And some big tables, too.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em?
Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty-- starting now.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.

Some will accuse us of isolationism.

I answer them be saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.

It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America.