[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

The annual average salaries in each of the four major professional North
American team sports during the last three seasons, in order from lowest to
highest:
 NFL
 2002  $1.25 million
 2001  $1.1 million
 2000  $1.12 million
 NHL
 2002-03  $1.79 million
 2001-02  $1.64 million
 2000-01  $1.36 million
 MLB
 2003  $2.55 million
 2002  $2.38 million
 2001  $2.14 million
 NBA
 2002-03  $4.92 million
 2001-02  $4.54 million
 2000-01  $4.2 million

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A few years ago, at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all
physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the
100-yard dash.

At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish
to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy
who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple
of times, and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed
down and looked
back. Then they all turned around and went back... every one of them.

One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said, "This will
make it better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish
line. Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for several
minutes.

People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we
know this one thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for
ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means
slowing down and changing our course. "A candle loses nothing by lighting
another candle"

 - from Jimi Pocius

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Interesting Tidbits Of Information!

 1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair.
 2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish.
 3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 min.
 4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair.
 5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the
dead skin and blackheads if any.
 6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea.
 7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
 8. Minor burn-Colgate or Crest toothpaste
 9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too.
11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer.
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H.
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H.
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or Chap Stick (glue is used instead of sutures at
most hospitals).
15. Stinky feet - Jell-O!!
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch.
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub.
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section
and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet.
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also.
20. Kool aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love
it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
21. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee
filter paper.
22. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray.
23. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in
your garage for your hubby.
24. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls.
25. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with cornstarch and
watch them slide on.
26. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!
27. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the
microwave, pour into an empty film container and mix with the food color of
your choice!
28. Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container; tie a
rubber band around a section of the t-shirt and soak.
29. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and 1/2 cup
of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 minutes and let dry, will last for many
years!
30. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
31. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste.
32. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
33. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it
will absorb into the towel.
34. Remove labels off glassware etc. Rub with peanut butter!
35. Baked on food -fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener
and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere
to it. Soak overnight. Also: you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak
overnight!
36. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
37. Dirty grout - Listerine.
38. Stains on clothes - Colgate.
39. Grass stains - Karo Syrup.
40. Grease Stains- Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the
driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from batteries!
41. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax: sprinkle and let stand for 24
hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
42. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or
just use 7-up instead of water.
43. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered
which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you
know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday,
Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist
tie. They are: Monday - Blue; Tuesday - Green; Thursday - Red; Friday -
White; and Saturday - Yellow. So if today was Thursday, you would want red
twist tie - not white (which is Friday's - almost a week old)! The colors go
alphabetically by color Blue - Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through
Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in
the grocery store and the bread wrappers Do have different twist ties, and
even the one with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn
something new everyday!!! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the
right color on the day you are shopping.

 - from Gary Savage

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The hardliners may not run Russia like they used to, but one government
official would probably like to send spam to Siberia. A communications
minister, whose job includes helping the government make better use of the
Internet, kept getting spammed by a college in Moscow that teaches English.
He was receiving some 40 spams per day. He called and asked them to stop,
and they sent him more schools of spam, this time with his name on it. Then
he called them on the carpet -- with an automated dialing machine that rang
the school 1,000 times in one morning. The English word of the day that day?
"Revenge."

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Look out Mexico, Malaysia is giving you stiff competition in the quickie
divorce department. The religious advisor to the Malaysian government has
announced that Muslim men are allowed to divorce their wives via text
message. The announcement was made following a ruling in favor of a man who
divorced his wife after text messaging her the warning, "If you do not leave
your parents' house, you'll be divorced." Datuk Abdul Hamid Othman said that
divorce via SMS, or short message service, was in accordance with Islamic
law, as long as the message is clear and unambiguous. "SMS is just another
form of writing," the former religious affairs minister told the
Singapore-based New Straits Times. Traditionally, men could divorce their
wives by stating "I divorce thee" three times. Some would prefer that
old-fashioned method to this newfangled way. It is dishonorable to pronounce
the divorce in such a way to a wife who has given so much in the marriage,"
said Shahrizat Abdul Jalil, Malaysia's women and family development
minister. "We are raised by our parents to respect others, and pronouncing
it through SMS is unacceptable." Ms. Manners' verdict hasn't come in yet.

--
You might think a wife would be outraged that her husband tried to sell her
on eBay. But when a 30-year-old Welsh woman's 35-year-old husband posted her
on the block as a joke, she thought it was a hoot. And like many jokes, it's
funny until someone makes a bid -- then it's hilarious. The offers started
flooding in -- bidders dangled hundreds of pounds in front of the husband's
nose. One of them even offered a $13,000 motorcycle with his wife thrown in
for free. Not even tempted by the fruit (or the Honda) of another, the
spouse proved he was no louse and didn't sell. "It was hilarious; I thought
it was brilliant," his coveted missus said. "I was quite flattered by some
of the offers."

--
If you work in a cubicle, you better hope your boss doesn't take any time
management cues from a supermarket chain in Argentina. According to union
officials, cashiers at the chain are being forced to wear diapers so they
won't take any bathroom breaks at work. It's hardly the way employees want
to be pampered. The allegations are soiling the supermarket's reputation.
Labor officials are looking into it -- getting to the bottom of this is
their No. 1 priority.

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A new invention is giving the hearing impaired a hand by arming them with a
special glove. The "AcceleGlove" translates American Sign Language into
spoken words and simple sentences. It actually contains a computer with
super-small electronic circuitry and sensors that can translate arm and
finger movements into words. Those words can then be broadcast on a
loudspeaker or displayed on a computer screen. Not everyone is signing off
on the new technology, though. Some who sign don't want technology to
destroy a unique part of their culture.

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