[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. She was shocked
and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is
wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so
well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time
you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop
dead."

 - from Sue Greene

--
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest
said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can
speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You
may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "you've done nothing but bitch since
you got here."

 - from Patty Galvin

--
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
couldn't help but notice that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't
wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything you liked under there?" Surprised
by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She
said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral
costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells
him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't,
that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned
time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500,
they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had
promised. It was awesome!

Afterwards, a totally satisfied John quickly dressed and left. As usual,
Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his
wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he
give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon
on his way home and pay me back."

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. A few minutes later, he says to
no one in particular, "All lawyers are assholes!"

The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically
categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it's just not
okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying
something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged.
And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you,
but you're not worth the cost of my drink."

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized, "Look, I'm really sorry, I
didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are
you?"

"Lawyer? I'm no lawyer you idiot, I'm an asshole!"

 - from Jimi Pocius, not a lawyer

--
http://www.stud.ntnu.no/home/alexann/

++
Wanted: women to test new orgasm machine.

No, really. An American surgeon who has patented a device that triggers an
orgasm has begun a clinical trial approved by the Food and Drug
Administration in the United States and is looking for female volunteers.

"I thought people would be beating my door down to become part of the
trial," pain specialist Dr Stuart Meloy told New Scientist magazine on
Wednesday.

But so far only one woman has completed the first stage of the trial, with
apparently breathtaking results, and a second has agreed to take part.

Meloy, of Piedmont Anesthesia and Pain Consultants in Winston-Salem, North
Carolina, is hoping to find eight more volunteers willing to have electrodes
inserted in their spine and be connected to a pacemaker-size machine
implanted under the skin to heighten their sexual pleasure.

The married woman who tested the machine, dubbed an orgasmatron, had not had
an orgasm for four years. But during the nine days she used it, she had
several.

"She even told me she had the first multiple orgasm of her life using the
device," said Meloy.

He stumbled on the unexpected side-effect while using a spinal cord
stimulator a few years ago to treat a patient suffering with severe back
pain. The woman had already had back surgery for degenerative disk disease
and fusion surgery.

When Meloy placed the electrodes into a specific spot on her spine to find
nerve bundles carrying pain signals to the brain, she moaned with delight.

"You're going to have to teach my husband how to do that," he quoted her as
saying.

The tiny impulses of electricity applied to the electrodes seemed to have
turned on the patient's orgasm button.

Although the device has been compared to the orgasmatron featured in the
1973 Woody Allen film "Sleeper," Meloy envisions patients using it
temporarily to retrain their sexual response.

The women in the trial described it as "really excellent foreplay."

Although some medical experts are skeptical about the procedure and say a
vibrator can produce the same results, Meloy believes it could help to
improve sexual response in women who cannot have orgasms and might even help
men as well.

A full implant of the device would cost about 13,000 pounds ($22,000).

"I don't see it any differently from procedures such as breast implants,"
Meloy told the magazine.

 - from Sue Greene

--
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder) This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where
I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my
checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally
knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye -- they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the
remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is
a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there
is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't
find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today. I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this
message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been
sent. If this doesn't apply to you, don't laugh, your day is coming!

 - from Patty Galvin

--
Yes, it's the one we've all been waiting for ... the Darwin Award 2003. The
candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the
Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition again this year has been
keen.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

* In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.

* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily
run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into
the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21,
dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a
beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him
beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their
hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy
equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital.

* In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as
he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

* In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a
shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near
the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch
and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their
car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently
failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP....

TACOMA, WA, Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of
them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at
least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable
was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that
God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation
for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER....

PADERBORN, GERMANY, Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally
let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing
elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The
sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to
the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the
elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. 'with no one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and
during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak
accidents that "shit happens.

 - from Kevin Haggerty

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