[Rhodes22-list] (no subject)

[Michael Meltzer]

 man falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and was in agony.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and
electrolytes, a sedative, a painkiller, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

++
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who
was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to
give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the
priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be
broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came
here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a
television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the
officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of
business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the
days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had,
indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go
to him in confession."

++
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the
yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla

Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over
in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do,"
the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up
there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the
gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let
go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in
the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

++
Two Poems

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


Moods of a Man

Horny
Hungry
Thirsty
Sleepy

++
 1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss.... the Pope only expects
you to kiss his ring.
 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
 9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was
and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?
What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the
wrong way.

 - from Jay Pocius

--
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered
in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared
at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a
gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
(Mumf note: this is a classic)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change
the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's
vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John,
in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 - from Sue Greene

--