[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game,
three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get
them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm
going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living
there..."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to
Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living there..."

The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho,
there are only 25 Catholics living there..."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and
calmly said, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any
Catholics there..."

- from Carol Bagshaw

--
WHY YELLING AT MEN IS USELESS:

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
Don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

- from Dave Houpert

--
THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs (RÉSUMÉS) AND COVERING
LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF
FORTUNE MAGAZINE.

 1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet
progroms."
 2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions."
 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my
experience."
 9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel
free to respond to my résumé on my office voicemail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess
no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try
marketing"
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is
unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons
so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as
'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three
previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction
behind me."

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.

 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig."
 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
 3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't be."
 4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in trap."
 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only
to change whichever foot was previously in there."
 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."
 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."
 9. "This employee should go far -- and the sooner he
starts, the better"

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

 1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't
watching.
 2. A room temperature IQ.
 3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to
hold it all together.
 4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.
 5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
 6. As bright as Alaska in December.
 7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming.
 8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
 9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

THE FOLLOWING ARE REAL CONVERSATIONS DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES
OPERATORS HAD WITH CALLERS, AS REVEALED IN INTERVIEWS WITH
STAFF AT THE CARDIFF D.E. CENTRE.

Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff, please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
but the B fell off. (Mumf note: I think I giggled for
almost a minute after this one; if we are all created
equal, what's this one's story! And, yes, sometimes I
giggle -- it helps keep me comfortably gruntled)

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company
in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in
Scotland.

Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room

Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.

Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.

Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff,
please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.

- from Jimi Pocius

--
George Carlin's View on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10
years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in
fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a
half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You
jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are
you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life ... you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony ... YOU BECOME 21!
YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes
you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him
out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before
you know it, you REACH 50 ... and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT
to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that
it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going
backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

- from Dave Houpert

--
WHY WE LOVE KIDS

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood
up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from
the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to
tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I
fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood
there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and
came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too
then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.


On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those
of his parents."


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked
her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the
minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle."


(Mumf note: this one is good -- see if you can picture it!)
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The
little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's
the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


POLICE #1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are
you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,
"would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you
got back there?" he
asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of
the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on
my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned
and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next
morning."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to
say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity
intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ...
and into the
hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I
can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object
and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had
been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear!"

- from Jimi Pocius

--
The devil finds work for idle glands.

- Ian Rose

--
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be, oh, six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and
early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park,
her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered
her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing
chocolate shake! Then it was off to a movie-the latest
epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear,
what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening,
he's still gonna get it wrong.

++
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year
old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her
mother and replied, "Bud."

--
(Mumf note: the next one is timely, and will soon be a
classic!!)

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your
wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking
man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is
running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand
is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you
do?

Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to
answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to
attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What
about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say
about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with
just killing me? Maybe his mother made him eat all of his
vegetables? This is all so confusing. Does he definitely
want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family
get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so
confusing! Would abolishing the death penalty help? I need
to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to
come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer: BANG!

- from Sue Greene

--