[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out."
 2. Who was the first one who thought that the white thing
that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
 3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being
would eat?
 4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer? (Mumf note: mine has a light in the freezer...
or are those just flashbacks...?)
 5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?
 6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
 7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
 8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where
the bathroom is?
 9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!
11. What do you call male ballerinas?
12. Why ARE Trix only for kids?
13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
16. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?
17. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
18. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Soup?
20. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them,
but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you
have to touch it to make sure?

- from Sandy Fraser

--
Next time you go golfing with the little lady, try to be
more sensitive to her needs. This story may help you to
reflect on your shortcomings. We always love a good
golfing joke....

(Mumf note: sorry about the "caps lock" effect of this
joke; not my fault!)

THE HUSBAND RELUCTANTLY AGREED TO PLAY IN THE COUPLES
ALTERNATE SHOT TOURNAMENT AT HIS CLUB. HE TEED OFF ON THE
FIRST HOLE, A PAR FOUR, AND BLISTERED A DRIVE 300 YARDS
DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FAIRWAY.

UPON REACHING THE BALL, THE HUSBAND SAID TO HIS WIFE "JUST
HIT IT TOWARD THE GREEN, ANYWHERE AROUND THERE WILL BE
FINE." THE WIFE PROCEEDED TO SHANK THE BALL DEEP INTO THE
WOODS.

UNDAUNTED, THE HUSBAND SAID "THAT'S OK SWEETHEART" AND
SPENT THE FULL FIVE MINUTES LOOKING FOR THE BALL. HE FOUND
IT JUST IN TIME, BUT IN A HORRIBLE POSITION. HE PLAYED THE
SHOT OF HIS LIFE TO GET THE BALL WITHIN TWO FEET OF THE
HOLE.

HE TOLD HIS WIFE TO KNOCK THE BALL IN. HIS WIFE THEN
PROCEEDED TO KNOCK THE BALL OFF THE GREEN AND INTO A
BUNKER. STILL MAINTAINING COMPOSURE, THE HUSBAND SUMMONED
ALL OF HIS SKILL AND HOLED THE SHOT FROM THE BUNKER. HE
TOOK THE BALL OUT OF THE HOLE AND, WHILE WALKING OFF THE
GREEN, PUT HIS ARM AROUND HIS WIFE AND CALMLY SAID,
"HONEY, THAT WAS A BOGEY, AND THAT'S OK, BUT I THINK WE
CAN DO BETTER ON THE NEXT HOLE."

TO WHICH SHE REPLIED, "LISTEN ASSHOLE, DON'T BITCH AT ME,
ONLY 2 OF THOSE 5 SHOTS WERE MINE."

++
Do you know how tough it is being a man...?

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay
home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too
hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work
enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low
pay, you should get off your ass and find something
better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is
favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal
opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry,
you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive
bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a
chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting
you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do
something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she
asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear,
you're a
pervert. If you don't, you're gay. If you like a woman to
shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you
don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in
shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you
don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your
achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't,
you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a
headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too
often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be
someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!

(Mumf query: now, tell me again: why is homosexuality a
bad thing...?)

++
SOCIAL SECURITY: (This is well worth reading. It's short
and to the point.)

Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election
years. Our Senators and Congressmen do not pay into Social
Security. Many years ago they voted in their own benefit
plan. In more recent years, no congress person has felt
the need to change it. For all practical purposes their
plan works like this:

When they retire, they continue to draw the same pay until
they die,
except it may increase from time to time for cost of
living adjustments. For example, former Senator Byrd and
Congressman White and their wives may expect to draw
$7,800,000 -- that's Seven Million, Eight Hundred
Thousand), with their wives drawing $275,000.00 during the
last years of their lives. This is calculated on an
average life span for each.

Their cost for this excellent plan is $00.00. This little
perk they voted for themselves is free to them. You and I
pick up the tab for this plan. The funds for this fine
retirement plan come directly from the General Fund -- our
tax dollars at work! From our own Social Security Plan,
which you and I pay (or have paid) into -- every payday
until we retire (which amount is matched by our employer)
-- we can expect to get an average $1,000 per month after
retirement.

Or, in other words, we would have to collect our average
of $1,000 monthly benefits for 68 years and one month to
equal Senator Bill Bradley's benefits!

Social Security could be very good if only one small
change were made. And that change would be to jerk the
Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators and
Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with
the rest of us and then watch how fast they would fix it.

If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness
will be planted and maybe good changes will evolve. WE,
each one of us... can make a difference.

- from David Houpert

--
(Mumf note: this next one is truly a classic!)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and
jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under
the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0
uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance
9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4,
NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs
and House Cleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried
running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an
entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating
system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers
7.5, but remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please also remember that
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring
Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or
reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not
supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It
could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the
program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and
has been known to introduce potentially viruses into the
Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does
have a limited memory and can't learn new applications
quickly. You might consider buying additional software to
enhance the system performance. I personally recommend Hot
Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such
applications as that old stand-by ... Lingerie 6.9 (which
has been credited with improved performance of the
hardware).

- from Kevin Haggerty

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