[Rhodes22-list] joke(some old and some new)

[Michael Meltzer]

Regrettable comments from sports commentators

 1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and
Jerk Event: "This is Ms. Gregoriava from Bulgaria. " I
saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was
amazing."
 2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really
a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since
I once mounted her mother."
 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is
absolutely, truly unique except for the one behind it
which is exactly identical to the one in front of the
similar one in back."
 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."
 5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been
injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of
them really that serious."
 6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I
should think we can expect the same thing again."
 7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all
over their faces."
 8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't
that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging
the cox of the Oxford crew."
 9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is
everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field.
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie
Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final
round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh
my God, what have I just said?!"

++
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
 2) Which country makes Panama hats?
 3) From which animal do we get catgut?
 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution?
 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what
animal?
 7) What was King George VI's first name?
 8) What color is a purple finch?
 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial
airplane?


All done? Check your answers below!































ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution? November
 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what
animal? Dogs
 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial
airplane? Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?

- from John Redfield

--
OLE TOOK HELGA HOME WITH HIM AND TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT. HELGA
SAYS, "OLE DAT'S SOME CHEST YOU HAVE DARE."

OLE SAYS, "HELGA, DAT'S A HUNNERT SEVENTY POUNDS OF
DYNAMITE."

NEXT OLE TOOK OFF HIS PANTS. HELGA SAYS, "OLE DAT'S NICE
CALVES YOU HAVE DARE."

OLE SAYS, "HELGA DAT'S A HUNNERT SEVENTY POUNDS OF DYNAMITE."

OLE QUICKLY REACHED DOWN AND PULLED OFF HIS UNDERPANTS AND
HELGA
SCREAMED AND RAN OUT THE DOOR.

OLE PUT HIS CLOTHES BACK ON & RAN AFTER HER. CATCHING HER,
OLE SAID, "HELGA, VIY DID YOU RUN OUT LIKE DAT?"

HELGA SAID, "VITH ALL DAT DYNAMITE AROUND, I TAUGHT IT VAS
GOING TO EXPLODE VEN I SAW HOW SHORT DA FUSE VAS."

++
Top 25 Country & Western Songs of All Time (Mumf note:
yes, Fred, both types: country AND western!)

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You
Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But
The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid
She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and
Cryin 'Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two
On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss
Him.
 8. Please Bypass This Heart.
 7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
 6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
 5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
 4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
 3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

 1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've
Sure Woke Up With A Few

- from Jimi Pocius

--
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate
the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah
with the kind of story that warms the cockles (Mumf note:
I LOVE that word, 'cockles' -- as a matter of fact, there
is nothing better than having your cockles gruntled!) of
anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect... 12 below, no feeling in the
toes, basic numbness all over... the "Tell me when we're
having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband
that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not
to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the
top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female
skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain
did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic
button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12
below doesn't help matters.

With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her
husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain,
suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski
outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would
even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more
than adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski
pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked
on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way
and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you
got it!!!

She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are
not forgiving... even during the most embarrassing
moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing
backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...
somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her
derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants
down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all
the while. She continued backwards, totally
out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other
skiers.

The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided
violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke
her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long
last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie
show, then summoned the ski patrol.

They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency
room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the
bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she
asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was
riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe
my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward,
out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom
hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better
look and fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break yours?...."

- from Sue Greene, who's broken arm is on the mend

--