[Rhodes22-list] jokes some old some new
Michael Meltzer
mjm@michaelmeltzer.com
Sat, 15 Feb 2003 11:36:50 -0500
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's
Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and
we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't
think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a
valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not
all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama,
he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all
over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and
how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter
with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the
open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
- from John Raso
--
>From a post Super Bowl Jay Leno monologue:
Well folks the ratings are in almost a billion people
watched the Super Bowl. Apparently, the only ones who
weren't into the game were the Raiders.
Congratulations to Tampa Bay! What a game! 48-21. Or as
they call that in Hollywood, the second marriage.
Did you know on Super Bowl Sunday, Americans eat more food
than any other day of the year, except for Thanksgiving.
Of course, the only difference is on Thanksgiving, there's
usually a better game on.
I guess you heard about Oakland Center Barrett Robbins
missing the Super Bowl. Missed it! But he was in three of
the beer commercials. Robbins went AWOL on Friday two days
before the game. He went to Tijuana on a drinking binge,
had his stomach pumped, missed the Super Bowl. Even worse,
after that he even missed the toilet bowl.
You know who I feel sorry for, Jerry Rice to get beat like
that in front of your great grandchildren.
Not a good day for the Raiders. During the game Oakland
used the "no huddle offense". They did that, then they
also used the "no rushing offense" the "no passing
offense" and of course the famous "no scoring offense."
You know what was really pathetic? I saw a lot of Raider
fans, they could be seen crying after the game. Well, that
was mostly from police tear gas. Nothing to do with the
game.
You think the Raiders players are too old? Jerry Rice is
like 64 now? Gannon is like 51, 52? You know the pirate
logo on their helmet? You know why the pirate wears a
patch? Glaucoma.
I don't know if anyone else noticed, but on the back of
Rich Gannon's helmet, did you see that sticker? "Ask me
about my grandchildren."
How 'bout the commercials? Like six out of the top ten ads
during the Super Bowl were beer commercials. Why? Do you
really need to advertise for beer during the Super Bowl?
Are there guys sitting around going, "What do you want,
Fresca, Tab, what's that alcohol thing, beer?"
from Dave Houpert
--
(Mumf note: the next one is a classic!)
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant
lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start
building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door and
started talking with the workers. She hung around and
eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of
project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week they even
presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said the
appropriate words of admiration & suggested that they take
the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day
to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed
with the story and asked the little girl how she had come
by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week
with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless
sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall
that's worth a shit!"
- from Carol Bagshaw
--
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I
feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about
the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and
dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
liver."
Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake
up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel
all day."
Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk in
order to spend time with his friends."
Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I
think not."
Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get
drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history
of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was
also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as
well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
"Genesis"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff
Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can
only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."
- Chris Helin, beer drinker extraordinaire
--
CHICAGO-In a report with dire implications for the
intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago
study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are
breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with
university diplomas. "The average member of the American
underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the
average college-educated professional," study leader
Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a
result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two
generations of dullards born for every one generation of
cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the
year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth,
swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers
incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that
swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout
Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is,
we're in love."
Reprinted (without permission, of course) from The Onion..
- from Dave Houpert
--
Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the
shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he
picks it up and rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and
promises to grant Igor only one wish.
"Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving
spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free
to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business
interests. I really can't think of anything that I really
need," says Igor.
"Think hard," says the Genie, "there must be something you
wish that you had."
So Igor thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. Finally he
says, "You know, I really do love drinking good Vodka, but
sometimes I just can't find it when I want some.
Therefore, I wish that I could piss Vodka."
"Very well," says the Genie, "Pissing Vodka you shall have."
The genie hands him a glass and instructs him to piss in
it. He does. Then she asks him to smell it. He does. Then
she asks him to taste it. He does.
"This is the best Vodka I've ever tasted!" Igor exclaims.
"Thank you."
The Genie disappears, and Igor returns home. That night
Igor gets two glasses and pisses into each one. He takes
them into the den and gives one to his wife to drink and
one for himself.
"This is delicious," his wife Raisa tells him.
So every night for the next 5 night he comes home from
work, pisses in two glasses and enjoys the drink with his
wife. On the seventh night he comes home from work but
only pisses Vodka into one glass.
When he enters the den, Raisa asks him, "Where is my drink
dear Igor."
"Ah," Igor replies, "Tonight I will teach you how to drink
right from the bottle."
- from Jimi Pocius
--
Someone actually spent their time building this online
slot car racing game! (You click and drag pieces of track
to build the race course, then click the checkered flag to
start, then click the throttle controller thing to
race...whew!)
http://www.tv4.se/lattjo/kojan/bilbanan.asp
- from Fred Frost
--
Here are some Shuttle pictures. Very interesting. A friend
of a friend in East Texas took these of shuttle pieces
found in his area. Can you imagine finding this in your
yard? Click on site below, and scroll down.
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=12&uid=904355&gid=1652603
- from Gary Savage
--
Top 11 Ways to Make a Late Night Server Upgrade More Fun
11. Access the always unlocked PC in the HR dept., and
give yourself the
next day off.
10. Invite all your friends over for pizza and beer--it's
an installation
party!
9. Use remote software distribution and manage the entire
upgrade from your
living room.
8. Crank up "Jerry Lee Lewis' Greatest Hits." If "Great
Balls of Fire"
doesn't perk you up, it's time to go home.
7. Play "sockey" (a combination of soccer and hockey) by
kicking a puck
(roll of electrical tape) up and down a tile floor. (Note:
This requires
generously tipping the housekeeping crew.)
6. Make your own sauna by turning off the server room air
conditioning.
5. Send anonymous pizza deliveries at 3 a.m. to the homes
of all the
managers who said the upgrade had to be done after hours.
4. Turn out the lights in the data center, rig up a black
light and wear
lots of white. Funky music is mandatory, of course, but
the optional fog
machine is the mark of the true professional.
3. Build your own putt-putt course.
2. Pull off the raised floor tile, crawl under it and
scare your co-workers in the morning.
1. Three words: Match dot com.
- from John Raso