[Rhodes22-list] Jokes

[brad haslett]

Saddam Hussein phoned President George W. Bush. "I had
a dream about the United States," he said. "I could
see the whole country, and over every building and
home was a banner," said Hussein. 

"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush. 

"LONG LIVE SADDAM!" answered the dictator. 

"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush,
"because I too had a dream. 
In my dream, I saw Iraq and it was more beautiful than
ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office
buildings, large residential subdivisions with
swimming pools full of men and women; and over every
building and home was a big, beautiful banner. 

" "What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.
 
"I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read
Hebrew."
=============================================================
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps
table. 
A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. 
She said " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm nude." 
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" 
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" 
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
With that she picked up all the money and clothes and
quickly departed. 
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The
other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!" 


A CNN reporter went to Israel to cover the fighting.
She was looking for
something emotional and positive and of human
interest. Something like the man in Sarajevo who
risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town
square. 

In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who's been
going to the Wailing
Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long
time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She
watches him pray and
after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she
approaches him for an
interview. 

"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been
coming to the Wailing
Wall and praying?" 

"For about 50 years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the
hatred to stop. For
our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall! 

====================================================================================

Metaphors found in NSW Year 12 English essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and
he was
room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog  makes
just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock,  like a
surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

He fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty
bag filled
with  vegetable soup.

>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
had an  eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
another city and
"Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m.  instead of
7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after
a  sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you
fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had
also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a
steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike  Phil,
this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get
from not eating
for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving
like a University
student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a land mine or
something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended
one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
accidentally staple it to
the wall.

 
==============================================================================
 
 
 
Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer the Marine Corps 
beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them
to join up quick before 
maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at
first because you got 
to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I
like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot and shine 
some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to
mix, wood to split, fire 
to lay.

Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so
bad, they get warm 
water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit
juice, cereal, eggs, 
bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,
ham, steak, fried 
eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt
and Elmer you can always 
sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their
food plus yours holds 
you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't 
walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon
Sergeant says are long 
walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my
place to tell him 
different. A "route march" is about as far as to our
mailbox at home. Then 
the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in
trucks. The country is 
nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
schoolteacher. He nags some. The 
Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels
just ride around and 
frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I
keep getting medals for 
shooting. I don't know why. The bullseye is near as
big as a chipmunk and 
don't move. And it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All 
you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load 
your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to
tell Walt and Elmer to 
hurry and join before other fellers get into this
setup and come stampeding 
in.


Your loving daughter, 

Gail


PS.. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a
new barn roof and ma's 
teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.


 
=============================================================================
 
 
 
A virile, Texan gentleman was relaxing at his favorite
Riverwalk bar in San
Antonio, when he managed to attract a spectacular
young  blonde. Things
progressed to the point where he invited her back to
his place, and after some
small talk, they made love. After a pleasant
interlude, he asked with a smile,
"So... You finish too?" She paused for a second,
frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the Texan reached for her and the love
making resumed. This time she
thrashes about wildly and there are screams of
passion. The love making ends,
and again, the Texan smiles, And again he asks, "You
finish too?" And again,
after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
closer to him, and softly
says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going
to outlast him, the Texan
reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his
strength, he barely manages
it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the
bed sheets. The exhausted Texan falls onto his back,
gasping. 
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly, and  asks
again, "You finish too!?" Barely able to speak, she
whispers in his ear, 
     "No, I'm Norwegian."
 
============================================================
 
 
 
 
 
  
 




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