[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She
gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the
proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first
graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading
these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6"
year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th
grader.
Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight
Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the
morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way
to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the
presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to
go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you
have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............spanked or
grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new
batteries.
You get out of something only what you..... see in the
picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the
way.

And the favorite:

Better late than...........................pregnant!!!!

++
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when
they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never
use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause
you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to
the five minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on
your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the
feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with
"Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and
will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do
what you want because I don't care". You will get a
"Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed
by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud
Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment,
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to
not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements
that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that
she wants to think long and hard before paying you back
for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a
"Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point in the near
future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A
woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever
excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so
be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say
you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A
woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked
off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh,"
as she will only tell you "Nothing".

- John Raso

--
There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the
street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped
beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it
to you?"

"Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20
ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year
tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse
you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year
tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse."

++
The Washington Post annually publishes the results of a
contest it runs for readers in which they are asked to
supply alternative meanings for various words. The
following were some of the winning entries from 2002:

01.. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
02.. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained.
03.. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach.
04.. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05.. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
06.. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
07.. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
08.. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
09.. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10.. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11.. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12.. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor
assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines
you.
13.. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions.
14.. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer
shorts.
15.. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16.. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist (Mumf note: my
fav!)

++
Thoughts for the day:

o Ever notice anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster is a maniac?
o I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no
pain.
o I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
o I cant for the life of me figure out why Kamikaze pilots
wore helmets. They didn't do much for them. Good argument
against helmet laws. (Mumf note: I got it! when I go for a
ride and decide to enjoy the ride helmet-less, I'll call
if "going Kamikaze"!)
o Ever notice when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at
you, but when you take him out for a drive he sticks his
head out the window?
o I've always wanted to be somebody, guess I shoulda been
more specific.
o They show you how detergents take out blood stains. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
o Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and
they tell you its because they are such beautiful animals.
I think my children are beautiful but I only have photos
of them on the wall.
o Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I cant even get
into MY OWN pants.
o The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood
alcohol level.
o I think the reason marriage changes passion is because
suddenly your in bed with a relative.
o I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it,
so I inquired, "Implants?"
o I don't do drugs anymore, I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
o They say I live in my own little world, but its ok, they
know me here.
o If flying is so safe why do they make you go thru what's
called the terminal.
o I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many
of them get elected.
o The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.
o I love being married. Its great to know I've found that
one special someone I want to annoy the rest of my life.
o I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am
perfect.
o I married my wife for her looks but not the ones she's
been giving me lately!
o Every day I beat my own previous record for the number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
o If carrots are so good for the eyes why do we see so
many dead rabbits in the road?
o How come we choose from just 2 people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?
o Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like
having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
o Why is it most nudists are people you don't want to see
naked?
o Every time I walk into a singles bar I hear my mothers
words of wisdom, "Don't pick that up, you don't know where
its been!"
o And finally, I just realized......snowmen fall from the
sky unassembled.

- from Jimi Pocius

--
Ireland Has Declared War! That's right -- here are
intercepted phone conversation between Ireland and Iraq...

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to
invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important
news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor
Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes
eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one
million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure
enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein,
the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some
infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's
farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000
tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've
increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back
to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light
with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys
from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000
bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military, complex is
surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO
MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring
you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you
that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a
bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two
million prisoners."

- from Fred McFrost (Mumf note: sounds like a fast food
drink...)