[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

You know you live in ...

... California when:
 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to
buy a house.
 2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer
his cell phone.
 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your
driveway.
 4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood
block party.
 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell
them how long it will take to get there rather than how
many miles away it is.

... New York City when:
 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you
mean Manhattan.
 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the
Empire State
Building.
 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get
from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
 4. You think Central Park is "nature"
 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in
their own language
makes you multilingual.
 6. You've worn out a car horn.
 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

... upstate New York when:
 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and
Tabasco.
 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
 3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight
buttons.
 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost
winter, and construction.

... Deep South when:
 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
 2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from
'round here, are Ya?"
 4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary
Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

... Colorado when:
 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way
home and he stops at the day care center.
 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a
pony tail.

... the Midwest when:
 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows
your name.
 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass
a tractor.
 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A C" on the
same day.
 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat
at?"
 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you
say, "It was
different!"

... Florida when:
 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even
houses and cars.
 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
and last:
 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

- from Anna Mumford

--
(Mumf note: a classic!)

http://www.gotlaughs.com/humor/mansong2.shtml

- from Dave Houpert

--
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had
done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a
sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his
office after mass, he found the following note on the
door:

 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C
 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say
"Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

- from Kevin Haggerty

--
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it .... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything
in the world into three categories: animal, mineral and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal,
and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so
that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is
two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain-Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and
peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress
yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Hello! You're not listening. Foods are fried these days
in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit ups if you want a
bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello ... Cocoa beans ... Another
vegetable!!!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie ... flour
is a veggie! One more thing: :When life hands you lemons,
ask for a bottle of tequila and don't forget the salt."

- from Sue Greene

--
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go
to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal
thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you
get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw
the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie
down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now,
carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will
not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and
read it carefully. You will notice that in small print
there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by
Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am
so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and
Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!!

- from Gary Savage