[Rhodes22-list] Sea Ditties

[Eaton, Gil]

    Hi Slim,
    You probably have seen these, but just in case.. these might add to your
collection of nautical dirty limericks.
    gil
 
 
There once was a pirate named Yates 
Who tried to do the fandango on skates 
Til he slipped on his cutlass 
Which rendered him nutless 
And virtually useless on dates. 
 
Me Old Pirate cookie named Gator, 
Taught me "Shore fishin' be done in hip wader's", I quickly moved up
from second class, Straight up to first class, 
And now I'm a true master baiter. * 
 
'twas a crusty old sailor named Art, 
Who let out the world's most humoungous fart, 
He tried to restrict 'er, 
It went off the Richter, 
And caused the Red Sea to repart. 
 
Art sailed on a Brigg to Rangoon, 
Where his rumblings could be heard from the moon, And when you'd least
expect 'em, 
They burst from his rectum, 
With the fury of a raging typhoon! 
 
A young Piratess was heard to say, 
"Oh Dearie I'm wastin' away! 
The insides of my thighs, 
Look quite like mince pies, 
For you pirates don't shave every day!" 
 
A near sighted watch sailor at Woods Hole 
Through his spy glass he spied him a good Ol' 
Cigar steaming reek 
Between red furry cheeks, 
Snaps Cappy, 
That's a butt budging out of a porthole. * 
 
Two months at sea the young piratess Bates 
Was rather worried because she was late, 
Yes she thought it quite erried 
She's missed her last period 
For she knew she'd only come to master... 
Another craft or something. 
 
A strapping old Greek sailor named Brock, 
'twas said he could stay up round the clock, 
The ladies revered him, 
And the sailors all feared him, 
Because he had a nineteen inch, 
Sword that hung down the side of his leg.... 
 
Miss Molly's a lady  quite blunt 
For handsome young sailors  she'd hunt, 
In quite boisterous shows, 
So now everyone knows , 
She caught one and he's licking her ...toes. * 
 
Three strapping seadogs from East Cooper 
Each one of them drank into a stupor 
When three buxom young lassies 
Came, flirty and sassy 
Those seapuppies could all but be drooper. * 
 
Hey Buggars!! You sailors think yer all the rage, But Hoi, I'm really
quite good for my age, Arrgh, I'm quick in the riggin' 
And me dinghy's a big'n, 
Hey,  it took two lads to haul it on stage. 
 
Miss Molly's a young lass of fashion, 
Much known for her wit and her passion, 
To her captain she said 
As she straddled his head 
Here's one thing you sailors can't ration. 
 
There's Ol' Cappy n' me sailin' at sea, 
When all at once we both had to wee, 
Mermaids scurried beneath the rails, 
With numbers scribed on their tails, 
'twas a TEN ...for Ol' Cappy and me! * 
 
 
 
Did ya hear of that guy from Nantucket, 
He barfed out his guts in a bucket, 
It seemed such a shame, 
For what he'd tried to reclaim, 
In a very short time did upchuck it!  * 
 
There's a pub mistress down in Darjeeling, 
Who danced with such excellent feeling, 
Not a murmur was heard, 
Not a sound not a word, 
But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling. 
 
In Darjeeling, a pub wench named Taft, 
Claimed, "It's great to be best at yer craft, 
For while aiming to please, 
I serves beers on me knees, 
So each sailor gets head with his draft." 
 
That pub mistress that danced in Dargeeling, 
Who drank til her blatter was reeling, 
Was known to lay on her back, 
And finger her crack, 
And piss all over the ceiling. 
 
Have you heard of that lad from Dargeeling 
Whose gross habits they weren't so appealing 
For while stroking his poker 
He's choking a stoker, 
And picking the flies off the ceiling. 
Tales From The Backside 
 
There was that nubile cabinboy named Ned 
Who bent down to pick up the soap in the head, 
He got a surprise 
When he started to rise, 
"I am your first mate", the Rear Admiral said! 
Now that cabinboy's truly a nipper, 
So laddies let's give him the flipper, 
For he lined his sweet arse, 
With fresh broken glars, 
And done circumsized the skipper. 
 

A Sailor named Mitch E. O' Doul 
Found little red spots on his tool, 
His doctor a cynic, 
Says, "Get out of me clinic, 
And wipe off the lipstick you fool." 
 
That braggard ol' Seaman named Mitch, 
He could dittle a lass in a stitch, 
Til one dittled him better, 
And now he'll regret 'er, 
For Mitch has one curious itch.  
 
Mitch had a gal by the name of McMitchin, 
Busily scratchin' her catch in the kitchen, 
Mitch E says, " Rose, 
Well it's crabs I suppose", 
Says twitchin' Rose, " Aiee, b'Jesus they's itchin'!" 
 
Says this young lassie to Seaman Mitch E.... 
" Oh Dearie it hurts me to wee", 
Hmm, " I see", says me mate, 
"That account's for the state 
Of the purser, Ol' Cappy,  'n me." 
 
Mitch  hooked up with a harlot named Sue, 
Who had filled her little whatsitts with glue, 
And said, with a wink and a grin, 
"If you pay to get in, 
You'll pay to get out of it too!" 
 
Mitch sailed off to a brothel in Brighten 
Says he, "Miss Milly, aw ya sure are a tight'n," 
Says she, "I won't be bustin' yer bubble, 
And it's really no trouble 
..butt buggar, yer not in the right'n!"
 

Lady B  to her pirate exhorted, 
"Ye are mine, and I will not be thwarted! 
I treasure your chest 
So let's get undressed. 
Heave to, and prepare to be boarded!" 
 
Roared the pirate, "I cannot succumb! 
Perhaps ye should buy me more rum. 
I'll need a full flask 
And also a mask 
For your face looks too much like me bum!" 
 
Lady B  worked herself into a heat 
But her pirate peeked under the sheet: 
"I admire your heine 
But something's so briny 
I'm afraid it'll pickle my meat!"