[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most
of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I
didn't get a boyfriend, since my husband (his Dad) had run
off.

I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he
entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes
doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the
side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for
hours. He was satisfied with the explanation and walked
away.

Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. My
son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your
Mom busy, son?"

My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she
is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she
gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"

++
Dear Friends, You may have heard in the news that a couple
of Post Offices in Texas have been forced to take down
small posters that say "IN GOD WE TRUST".

The law they are violating(?) is something silly about
electioneering posters (is God running for office?)
Anyway, heard it proposed on a radio station show, that we
all write "IN GOD WE TRUST" on the back of all our mail.

After all, that is our national motto, and it's on all the
money we use to buy those stamps. I think it is a
wonderful idea. We must take back our nation from all the
people who think that anything that offends them should be
removed.

If you like this idea, please pass it on, and DO IT. God
Bless America.

++
A young black man walked into the local welfare office,
marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate
drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is
amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who
wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the
suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long
hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you
will also be required to escort the young lady on her
overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a
year."

The Black man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter replied, "Well, you started it!"

- from Carol Bagshaw

--
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands
shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he
answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the
highest crime rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in LA all my life,
and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go
to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a
good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh,
thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there
and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way,
what do you do for a living?"

"Oh, me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread
truck."

++

http://nwfusion.com/news/2002/1216cisco.html

++
There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic. Every Saturday
morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and
eager, golfs all day long... 36 holes sometimes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his
car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage, rain
is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There
is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50
mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and
turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going
to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back
into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into
bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out
there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out golfing in that shit?"

- from Sandy Fraser

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