[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Alex Bell]

DISCLAIIMER! I seem to live in a retirement area, so these are the kinds
of jokes I have been getting. Sorry..
    


       Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they
       had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
       activities
       had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

       One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said,
       "Now
       don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but
       I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't
       remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

       Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and
       glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

      
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       Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning.
       Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and she said,
"Mable, did
       you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

       Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and
stared at
       it.
       Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.

       Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

      
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       When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice
in the
       paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers
       delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained
       bitterly,  "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
gonorrhea."

       Replied the widow," I nursed him night and day so of course I
know he
       died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity
to remember
       him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

       ********************************
       An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were
       standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up
       and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find
       her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the
promise that
       he would notify him as soon as they found something.

       Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the
boat.
       It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at
the bottom
       of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an
       oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise"

       The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

      
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       When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a
park bench
       sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said,
       "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and
       then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly
       ground coffee."

       I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
       She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies
       and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".

       I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
       She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
       favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

       I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
       She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

      
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       Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the
       96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

       She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the
bath?"
       The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She
       starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or
down?"

       The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to
       her sisters.

       She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."
       She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come
up and help
       both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

      
***********************************************************************
       An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling
       asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

       She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
       Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get
       back to sleep.

       A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
       Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and
       settled down to sleep.

       Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."
       Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
       "Where are you going?" she asked.
       "To get my teeth!"