[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback
when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer-swilling locals
and, in his well-educated voice, asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and
tonic, please, my good man."

One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking
man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you,
you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic - are you some fucking kind of a
poofter or something?"

"Ac-actually," the terrified Pom replies, "I'm a t-t-taxidermist."

"Oh yeah? And what's a fucking taxidermist, then?"

"I stuff and mount d-dead animals."

"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "he's one of
us!"

--
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks ;
"Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well, it's like this Sheriff.. I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with
her... so I did. We go inside, she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
my shirt...so I did.

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now, go to
town, cowboy... "

"and here I am!"

--
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It
was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young
George was pretty excited.

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at
the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly
fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said
and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more
instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you
can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let
us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said
Sam.

"Sure" says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end
and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's
instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to
say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am,
thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."

--
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine
weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up
behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over
Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will
always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my
hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead
and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to
lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure
enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over
Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the head. You might
have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree
with my conclusions."

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce
patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very
happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the
friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one
after writing a thesis.

The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right
there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the
middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.

--
There was an eagle who hadn't had any in a while. One day he was flying
around and really horny and he found a dove. He captured the dove, took it
behind the bushes, and had his way with it. A few minutes later the dove
came out and said " I'm a dove and I'm in love."

A little while later the eagle was flying around again and again he was
horny. He found a goose flying around, so he captured the goose, took it
behind the bushes, had his way with it. A couple of minutes later the goose
came out and said "I'm a goose and I'm loose."

Well after all this most eagles are ready for a nap, but not this eagle. He
was up flying around again and found a duck. He captured the duck, took it
behind the bushes, and had its way with it. A second later the duck came out
and said "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!!!

--