[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Wed Jul 9 14:03:27 EDT 2003

You know you're from Arizona when...  (or you lived there for 10 years+!)

 1. You buy salsa by the gallon.
 2. Your Christmas decorations include sand and l00 paper bags.
 3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
 4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear
out come the end of April.
 5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
 6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los."
 7. You think 60 tons of crushed red rock makes a beautiful yard.
 8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.
 9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're clearing your
throat.
12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt
River.
14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
17. You can be in the snow, and then drive for an hour and it will be over
100 degrees.
18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.
20. You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
(Refer to # 5)
21. The pool can be warmer than you are.
22. You can make tea instantly.
23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your
fireplace.
24. Most homes have more firearms than people.
25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?" (Unless Monsoons have just ended.)
26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out of-state or nuts.
27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
28. The AC is on your list of best friends.
29. Monday Night Football starts at 5:00 instead of 8:00.
30. You know that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot
one.
33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro," "Ocotillo," "Tempe,"
"Gila Bend," "San Xavier," "Canyon de Chelly," "Mogollon Rim," "Cholla," and
"Ajo."
34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is
walking on the streets.
35. You experience third-degree burns if you touch any metal part of your
car.
36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're
wearing shorts.
37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of
rain......"
38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms
of minutes, not miles.
39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days.
40. If you haven't worked for Motorola at some time, you must be a newcomer.
41. You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight saving
time.

 - from Mike Mumford

--
"Top Ten Things Baseball Has Taught Me", presented by Roger Clemens

10. "I look sweet in tight pants"
 9. "If you work hard enough you can be successful -- oh yeah, and it helps
to have 8 all-stars on the field behind you"
 8. "There's not a damn thing to do in Milwaukee"
 7. "During a tense game I can eat 2 or 3 rosin bags"
 6. "You can melt an umpire's gruff exterior with a simple hug"
 5. "For Barry Bonds to be performing at this level at the age of 65 is
truly remarkable"
 4. "The best practical joke? Tell a teammate they're traded to the Devil
Rays"
 3. "It doesn't matter if you win or lose...well, it didn't when I was on
the Red Sox"
 2. "Good nickname: Rocket. Bad nickname: Lard-Ass"
 1. "Adjusting your cup doesn't do anything...just makes you feel good"

 - from Jamie Ward "Blues"

--
A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a
fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister,
 may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running
along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, "He went that away".

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to
Iraq."

The nun said she understood.

The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have
the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the
most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq
either!"

 - from John Redfield

--
Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle.
Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no
men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay
(obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having
sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he
walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the
king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the
wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished
according to their occupation.

The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation.

The first man replies, "Fireman."

The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the
second man and asked his occupation.

Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer."

The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the
third man his occupation.

With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

++
Little Johnny and the Word of the day: (Mumf note: this is dedicated to Art
Swanson)

Mrs. Smith loved giving a Word of the Day to her class. Today the word was
"fascinate". Anybody care to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence, asked
Mrs. Smith.

Lilly raised her hand and said, "I was fascinated when I saw the Grand
Canyon."

"Close Lilly", said Mrs. Smith, "But I'm looking for the word fascinate.

Adam raised his hand and said, "The python at the zoo was fascinating."

"Almost" said Mrs. Smith, "but that has the "ing" ending." Now Mrs. Smith
looked to the front of the room where Johnny was sitting, she knew Johnny
had a bad habit of using bad language, but she thought there was no way he
could use bad language with this "Word of the Day". "Go ahead
Johnny", said Mrs. Smith, "use the word fascinate in a sentence."

Johnny replied, "My sister's tits are so big when she wears her favorite
shirt with 10 buttons, she can only fasten eight."

++
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar
and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on
his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up - you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my
entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest,
brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey,
girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you
look so excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

 - from John "I'm Back from Vacation" Raso

True Doctors' Charts Statements

 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night
 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a  year.
 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to  be
depressed.
 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
 7. Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
 8. The patient refused autopsy.
 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you  might like
to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20 Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a
stock broker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 - from Ron Nichols

--
I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife as about to
take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my
wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

When my wife looked she still wasn't sure and said, "What?"

I repeated the gestures. "EYE - KNEE - RAKE" My wife replied by shaking her
head up and down that she
understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points
to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell that I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her "What in the hell was that?"

She replies, (scroll down, it's worth it)

"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

 - from Sue Greene

--
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore.
Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am
desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to
hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far
indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE,
understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um, okay."

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner
waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert.
The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his
wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second
pill.

And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little,
sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a
near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she
says, "I...need...a man"

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me...too..."

--
Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year
old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his
cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a
terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and
he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14
days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or
leaving his cat.

Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would
be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc.
Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure
Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to
be a pain in the neck.

On the fifth day when he called, John asked Richard how Gracie was and
Richard told him. "Gracie is dead!" Well as you can imagine, John nearly had
a heart attack.

When he recovered he said to Richard, "that was the most cruel thing I ever
heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it
to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, 'well she's
OK but she is up on the roof.' And then when I called the next time, tell me
'oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets'. And then the
next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a
little prepared for the bad news."

"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless."

John accepted Richard's apology for being so uncaring, and then said, "oh,
by the way, how's Mother?"

Richard then said, "well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!"

--
(Mumf note: a classic -- and a statement about life in general!)

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He
orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and
two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at
the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to
try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact,
it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it
again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are
much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much
bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

--
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