[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Fri Jul 11 14:53:52 EDT 2003

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night in a hotel room. Donald
wanted to have sex with Minnie. The first thing Minnie asked was, "Do you
have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the
counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put
that on your bill?"

"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

++
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000
and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I
heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by
myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no bike."

++
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that,
when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never
called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, a
little reading, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of
her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

 - from Carol Bagshaw

--
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello".

I politely said, "This is Gary Hogg. Could I please speak with Shirley
Susan?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I then looked up Shirley's correct number and called her.
I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up
with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy
answered the phone, I yelled,

"You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up and yell,

"You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is Jimmy
Johnson from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window - so, I
wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first
asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the
BMW asshole too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes. I live at 1802 West Elm Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West Elm Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West Elm Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 5 News about the gang war going down on West Elm
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Elm Street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six
squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW I FEEL BETTER!

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked "Is it
true that they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get
cancer?"

"Yes Bubba, that is true."

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and
clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries...is that true,
Mister Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin....maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women
I've been wakin' up with."

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
josefBierBitzch.wmv from Rob Brucato

all other images from Rob Brucato

--
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