[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
 5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
 7. Never lick a steak knife.
 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,  gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built
the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 - from Anna Mumford

--
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly
funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby
the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup
trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in
the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers
in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of
Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where over
89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this"

 - from Carol Bagshaw

--
After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the
pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you
attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in
the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the American's
liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose. James
Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide
for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.

Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe and
67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed
on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was
to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot designation, he screamed,
"This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.
What did you think I said?"

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the >salesman,
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have
curtains..."

And the blonde continues, "Hellooo... I've got Windows!!"

 - from Kevin Haggerty