[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Steve]

That 2nd one was excellent, Michael:-)
Steve


--- Michael Meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:
> FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO
> LEARN
> by Dave Barry
> 
>  1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
> pill and a laxative on
> the same night.
>  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
> why the human race has
> not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
> potential, that word would be
> "meetings."
>  3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
> "mental illness."
>  4. People who want to share their religious views
> with you almost never
> want you to share yours with them.
>  5. You should not confuse your career with your
> life.
>  6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get
> up and dance.
>  7. Never lick a steak knife.
>  8. The most destructive force in the universe is
> gossip.
>  9. You will never find anybody who can give you a
> clear and compelling
> reason why we observe daylight savings time.
> 10. You should never say anything to a woman that
> even remotely suggests
> that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
> actual baby emerging
> from her at that moment.
> 11. There comes a time when you should stop
> expecting other people to make a
> big deal about your birthday. That time is age
> eleven.
> 12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
> regardless of age,  gender,
> religion, economic status or ethnic background, is
> that, deep down inside,
> we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
> 13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the
> waiter, is not a nice
> person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It
> never fails.)
> 14. Your friends love you anyway.
> 15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
> that a lone amateur built
> the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
> Titanic.
> 
>  - from Anna Mumford
> 
> --
> The National Transportation Safety Board recently
> divulged they had covertly
> funded a project with the US auto makers for the
> past five years, whereby
> the auto makers were installing black boxes in
> four-wheel drive pickup
> trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
> accidents, the circumstances in
> the last 15 seconds before the crash.
> 
> They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states
> the last words of drivers
> in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
> Only the states of
> Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were
> different, where over
> 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer
> and watch this"
> 
>  - from Carol Bagshaw
> 
> --
> After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama
> made his way to the
> pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George
> Washington. "How dare you
> attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled
> Washington, slapping Osama in
> the face.
> 
> Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to
> end the American's
> liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched
> Osama in the nose. James
> Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed
> the government to provide
> for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and
> whacked Osama's knees.
> 
> Osama was subject to similar beatings from John
> Randolph, James Monroe and
> 67 other people who had the same love for liberty
> and America. As he writhed
> on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back
> toward the gate where he was
> to be judged.
> 
> As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot
> designation, he screamed,
> "This is not what I was promised!"
> 
> An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72
> Virginians waiting for you.
> What did you think I said?"
> 
>  - from Jimi Pocius
> 
> --
> A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
> She tells the >salesman,
> "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of
> my computer screen."
> 
> The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam,
> computers do not have
> curtains..."
> 
> And the blonde continues, "Hellooo... I've got
> Windows!!"
> 
>  - from Kevin Haggerty
> 
> __________________________________________________
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