[Rhodes22-list] jokes(good batch)

[Michael Meltzer]

1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?... Goes-in-tight!
 2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?... Depends
 3. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?... Gagged!
 4. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?... A tearjerker.
 5. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex
life?... Because if you'll eat  that stuff, you'll eat anything.
 6. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?... Just one, but
it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
 7. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?... "Nice Dick!"
 8. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?... Toys for Twats.
 9. Why do we have orgasms?... How else would we know when to stop?
10. What's the definition of indefinitely?... When  your balls are slapping
up against her ass, you're in...definitely!
11. Define Transvestite... A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
12. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?... They are both used as a
meat substitute.
13. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?... Brothel sprouts.
14. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?... Two Mennonite.
15. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of  wood?... His hand caught
fire.
16. Why is sex like a game of bridge?... You don't need a partner if you've
got a good hand.
17. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?...
Gladiator.
18. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?...
Sperm is handmade.
19. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?... Put a nipple on it.
20. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?... Slow down and
use a lubricant.

 - from Anna Mumford

--
St Peter, in a very worried state, called all of his apostles and disciples
to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all
over the world.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to
better deal with the problem, they should try the drugs themselves and then
decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a
commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the
different types of drugs.

Two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. St
Peter, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple: "Who is it?"

"It's Paul"

St Peter opens the door. "What did you bring, Paul?"

"Hashish from Morocco"

"Very well son, come in." A knock at the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Mark"

St Peter opens the door. "What did you bring, Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in." Another knock at the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

St Peter opens the door. "What did you bring, Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in." Again, someone is at the door. "Who is it?"

"It's John"

St Peter opens the door. "What did you bring, John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in." Once again, a knock at the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Luke"

St Peter opens the door. "What did you bring Luke?"

"Speed from Amsterdam"

"Very well son, come in." The door, once again. "Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

St Peter opens the door. "What did you bring, Judas?"

"The FBI, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! EVERYONE UP AGAINST THE WALL!"

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
Jewish Zen

o The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
o If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions.  Argue.
o Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
o Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded
glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like
that.
o There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you
never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
o Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
o Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to
injuries and instill a violent, war-like nature. Encourage your child to
play peaceful games, like "sports doctor."
o To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the
following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
o Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
o Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not
every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
o If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
o Those who know do not kibbitz. Those who kibbitz do not know.
o Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and
attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
o Do not kvetch. Be a kvetch. Become one with your whining.
o The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao
does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao
is not Jewish.
o Whenever you feel anger, you should say, "May I be free of this anger!"
This rarely works, but talking to yourself in public will encourage others
to leave you alone.
o Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second,
satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
o The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient
beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens
to be Jewish?
o Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul. Gaze upon your
original face before you were even born. Shocked? Remember, this was before
the nose job.
o Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things
faster.
o In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or
not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask
only, "Is it good for the Jews?"
o To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand
petals. You might want to see a specialist.
o Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
o Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do
you have? Bupkes.

 - from Sandy Fraser

--
(Mumf note: on this next one, Dave is right: it IS an oldie but goodie!)

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim
against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer
sued... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held
a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to
the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance
claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the
lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

 - from Dave Houpert